Spermanent

Spermanent: adjective. Something that results from sperm and is permanent, such as stains, babies, and ruined political careers. The word and its adverbial form was popularised by a 1990s US sexual education video, which involved an ostensibly ‘hip’ man in a tracksuit preaching abstinence to teenagers. Towards the end of the video, the man pauses in his rapping, looks at the camera and says with a knowing smile that sex is bad because “babies are spermanent,” following the joke with an uncomfortably long wink and nod. The man was later identified as the famous foot model Pedro de Pedmonte, whose life goal since the 1990s has been to erase this embarrassing episode from his haunted memory. 

Woktheist

Woktheist: noun. Someone who worships woks, not to be confused with a ‘pantheist,’ someone who worships pans. What? You don’t like this word? You think it’s stupid? You think it requires very little skill to come up with a pun like this? Ok, look, I know my pun game hasn’t been that good lately and, well the truth is, I’ve just been going through a rough patch. My cat dumped me, I started drinking… it got so bad, I started waking up on other people’s couches… I don’t even know how I got there… once, I woke up next to a drag queen called Cassandra who said I slept with him – her – but I don’t believe it… I went to rehab and when I got back, my cat was back at my house with a weed habit… I took her back in out of the goodness of my heart and you know what happened? The bitch left me and took all of the money I was saving for that new tomato sauce they’re offering at Wallmart – no, not Walmart, I mean Wallmart; you know, that cheap Polish knockoff version? Forget it. Anyway, no, would you stop thinking about today’s word? I know, it’s stupid! Yes, yes it was meant to be a pun. Ok stop, I feel really embarrassed about this already, you don’t have to make it worse.  

Cannonical

Cannonical: adjective. Something inside a cannon. That’s it. That’s all we got. Look, will you appreciate the pun at face value or do you want a lengthy explanation of it? I honestly don’t know what people expect. Look, it’s funny, ok? Just supply the rest with your imagination. Think of all the ways you can misuse the word. No? Ok. God is this a thankless job. 

Gourdmet

Gourdmet: noun. A connoisseur of good gourds. Contrary to popular belief, gourdmets do not evaluate just the culinary qualities of gourds. While most gourdmets do specialise in this area, there are numerous gourdmets who evaluate gourds in relation to their other uses, for example qua jewellery, kitchen utensils, and musical instruments. Professional gourdmets in these areas can gage the qualities of a gourd by touching it, poking it, sometimes even by tasting it, though forms of contactless gourd-evaluation, such as smelling and sonography, are preferred.

Selbstie

Selbstie: noun. The word selbstie was developed by the Organisation gegen die Anglifizierung der deutschen Sprache (OGDADDS), also known by its English name and acronym: Organisation against the Anglification of the German Language (OATAOTGL). Meant as a purely German substitute for the English word ‘selfie,’ the word selbstie soon came under ridicule among Husserlian phenomenologists, who drew parallels between the word selbstie and Husserl’s exclamation “zur Sache selbst!”, a frustrated attempt to transcend the limitations of the subject and behold the object in and of itself. For Husserlians, a selbstie is an oxymoron, as a picture is about as far away from “die Sache selbst” as can be. For the same reason, the humiliated OGDADDS rejected a subsequent proposal to call selfies dingies, as a similarly vituperative Kantian response on account of the “Ding an sich” was expected. 

Unistance

Unistance: noun. A way of measuring the one-dimensional equivalent of distance. Some have argued that the very concept of unistance is pointless and, understanding no mathematics at all, the authors of this blog have to agree with this quite candid assessment. 

Hydrargumnal

Hydrargumnal: adjective. The word hydrargumnal has several definitions, all of which are also definitions for the word ‘mercurial.’ There is no factual difference between the word hydrargumnal and the word ‘mercurial’ besides the fact that hydrargumnal is preferred by scientists and other snotty purists.

1.      Unpredictable and capricious, quick to change one’s mind.

2.      Containing mercury.

3.      Behaving like mercury.

Perhaps the only difference between the word hydrargumnal and the word ‘mercurial’ is that the word hydrargumnal can never be used to refer to the planet or god Mercury. 

Bitheist

Bitheist: noun. Someone who believes in two gods, no more, no fewer. Two is the number of gods a bitheist worships, and the number of gods worshipped by a bitheist is two. Bitheism is often confused with Manicheanism and other dualist theologies, such as Zoroastrianism, but bitheism is different from these in two ways. Firstly, it is not a religion; it is a belief rather than a system of beliefs, a belief which is shared by and not exclusive to a number of religions. Secondly, it does not prescribe dualism: Bitheism is defined strictly by belief in two gods. Whether these gods represent antithetical values is a further article of faith.

Armitimate

Armitimate: adjective. The word armitimate is an antonym to the word ‘legitimate’ and a synonym to ‘illegitimate.’ To be armitimate is to be unauthorised by law or, less commonly, to be born out of wedlock. The second of these meanings was actually the original. In ancient times, the idiom was that while legitimate successors were ‘born of the leg,’ that is to say, ‘born from between the legs,’ illegitimate successors were ‘born of the arm,’ that is to say, they were brought into the family in the hands of another woman. Some classicist scholars trace the origins of the word ‘legitimate’ to the story of Dionysus, who was incubated in Zeus’ thigh, and was thus ‘legitimately divine.’ Similarly, Oedipus was recognised as the son of Jocasta and Laius by his swollen feet, making him ‘legitimately incestuous.’ The word armitimate, the theory goes, was simply conjectured by later Anglophone scholars.  

Dipthong

Dipthong: noun. A dipthong is the sound made by dipping into a pool or another body of water while wearing a thong. Dipthongs vary to an enormous degree depending on a number of factors ranging from the speed of the dipping to the material and size of the thong itself. Research has shown that heterosexual males find female dipthongs 26% less attractive than risethongs, the sound made by rising out of a pool or another body of water while wearing a thong. Nevertheless, the same study found that heterosexual males find female dipthongs 501% more attractive than male dipthongs (the statistic was the exact reverse for homosexual males) and 4004% more attractive than male diptongs, the sound made by a male dipping into a pool or another body of water while wearing nothing but tongs.      

Dimultaneous

Dimultaneous: adjective. Happening at two different moments. The word dimultaneous is useful in a number of situations, for example in arguments with creationists, viz. the following sentence: "Archaeological evidence conclusively proves that the Jurassic and Jesus' life were dimultaneous." Alternatively, one could also use the adverbial form: "Archaeological evidence conclusively proves that the Jurassic and the life of Jesus happened dimultaneously."

Perpendicularism

Perpendicularism: noun. (In literature) the state of complete non-correspondence in meaning, grammar, metre, or any other literary device. Perpendicularisms are often used by authors for dramatic effect, for example in the story of the Little Red Riding Hood. The backstories of the two main characters, the Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf, contain a range of perpendicularisms. While the Little Red Riding Hood lives in a shack built of corrugated metal and comes from a broken family of eight children with a grandmother addicted to crack, the Big Bad Wolf is an only child born to rich wolf aristocracy, whose dead grandparents bequeathed to him two mansions at the edge of the forest. Growing up in these conditions teaches the Little Red Riding Hood complete self-abnegation: she remains a virgin until her death and never has a single taste of marmalade. Meanwhile, the only values the Big Bad Wolf develops are a firm belief in trickle down economics and social Darwinism, his sense of entitlement leading to rampant sexual desires and an odd old-lady fetish.

Extrospection

Extrospection: noun. Extrospection is the act of examining one's own outward appearance and behaviour. Without realising it, most if not all people extrospect themselves on a daily basis. The mere act of looking into a mirror is extrospection (that is, unless the given individual happens to be a vampire). Often, people also attempt to analyse how they themselves behave while, for example, interacting with other people. Consequently, people who are very extrospective in this regard are sometimes mistakenly called introspective, though admittedly, it is true that people who deem it important to extrospect their actions also tend to introspect their feelings. It is thus rare for an extrospective person not to be introspective and vice versa.

Oppositionalism

Oppositionalism: noun. The belief that the more opposition exists to an opinion, the more valid that opinion is. Oppositionalism is a widespread phenomenon especially among conspiracy theorists, who tend to believe that the opposition their views generate reveals that they have discovered a truth the establishment does not want the world to know. An oppositionalist will often question the motives of their opponents, a frequently cited example being that of vocal atheists. The oppositionalist claim is that if an atheist really did not believe in God, they would not try to convince other people of his inexistence. Hence, the real reason why atheists try to convince people not to believe in God is that they serve the Antichrist, the existence of whom validates one’s pre-existent belief in God.  

Pathology

Pathology: noun. The science of finding paths. There are various types of pathology, though the most important one by far is cartographic pathology, the prime representative of which are applications such as Google Maps. However, pathology is often conceived of in a more abstract manner, as a science of finding the right path in life. Thus understood, almost all philosophies and religions make pathological claims, i.e. philosophies and religions are pathological. 

Ruralism

Ruralism: noun. Belief in the superiority of the rural way of life. Ruralism often entails thinking that urban people are somehow disconnected from “real life,” and that jobs not involved in production or manufacture of goods are not real jobs. Ruralists tend to view themselves as the undiluted ideal of their region or country, with any departure from the rural way of life or thinking being an unpatriotic heresy. It is a popular opinion held within urban communities that many aspects of ruralist philosophy are adopted or maintained out of the mere desire to spite urban dwellers. Interestingly, ruralism is not exclusive to rural areas, as many urban dwellers tend to idealise, indeed even to fetishize, the country and the people living in it.

Petent

Petent: noun. A licence conferring the exclusive right to an invention relating to pets. Nearly 90% of all petents made since the year 2000 have been different flavours of doggy treats, including grass, snow, cat, caviar, coke, cocaine (for dogs in withdrawal), sake, mochi, asparagus, cherry, and the ever-popular fresh poo flavour. The remaining petents have largely been concentrated within the cat-scratcher industry, because scratching poles are boring and any real cat needs to scratch at varying heights, inclines, and curvatures. 

Remonsterate

Remonsterate: verb. To turn someone or something into a monster again, or, perhaps more typically, to restore their monstrous appearance. A wonderful example of remonsterance is when Una orders the disrobing of the false Duessa in Spenser’s Faerie Queene, exposing nether parts that would not be appropriate to show on daytime television. Contrary to popular belief, remonsterating does not have to involve someone else; one can remonsterate oneself, for example as a werewolf would (the voluntariness of such transformation being of little importance). 

Strodent

Strodent: noun. A strident rodent. A strodent is typically very loud and harsh-sounding, or supports controversial opinions aggressively. An example of a strodent is Nigel Farage. My first hamster was also a strodent. She was of the firm belief that the Americans had faked the moon landing and whenever I had friends over, she would argue with them vituperatively, eventually confusing her conspiracy theories and shouting “jet fuel can’t melt steel beams” at the top of her lungs. Needless to say, I didn’t have many friends growing up. 

Maline

Maline: verb. To draw a very bad line. Maths teachers, in particular, are very susceptible to malining, because despite the amount of practice they get drawing lines, the sheer number of lines they have to draw makes it extremely likely that they will make a mistake at some point. After an incidence of malinance, maths teachers typically disappear for great lengths of time, which they spend moping and eating ice cream out of the tub with their bare hands. Sometimes, in particularly severe cases, a teacher will not return to their school, and is spotted within some six months with a fake moustache and a nose job in Cuba.

Special Snowflake Syndrome Paradox

Special Snowflake Syndrome Paradox (SSSP). The seeming contradiction when a person derives a sense of uniqueness and superiority from criticising other people for purportedly thinking themselves unique and superior. 

Gayflakism

Gayflakism: The persistent and unshakable belief that LGBTQ people have an insatiable need for attention and that their efforts to achieve equal rights are in fact attempts at making the world acknowledge them as special snowflakes. People suffering from this misconception tend to have an insatiable need for attention themselves and try to fulfil it by airing their idiotic notions on the internet. 

Trale

Trale: noun. A trite tale. Trales are most often aired at annual family reunions, for example when your aunt Sue recounts yet another one of her shopping exploits during which she, through strategic use of coupons, made 12 quid, ending her story with a dull moral about not getting ripped off by big companies (dignity, no doubt, being a bourgeois concept invented to hold back the struggling proletariat). Or maybe you may think of your uncle James who tells yet another trale of his petty squabbles with local authorities, this time on being allowed to build a useless portico at the back of his house, the moral here being “well it’s my bleedin’ plot o’ land, innit!” 

Memenationophany

Memenationophany: noun. The realisation that the only remaining way one connects to the world and communicates with other people is through memes. Typically, one tends to have a memenationophany between the 70^th and 100^th time one tags a friend in a meme on Facebook, either without commentary, or with a very short one, such as “dis u.” Interestingly, only 20% of all people who report having gone through a memenationophany decide to do something about it, and only 40% of this number actually do. The vast majority simply accept their social awkwardness and proceed to tag a friend in yet another meme. 

Bigotrism

Bigotrism: The misguided belief that one’s politics are primarily determined by one’s attitudes towards the rights of racial and sexual minorities, and not by one’s socio-economic circumstances. People who suffer from bigotrism typically make few useful contributions to public debate, as most of their arguments are based on appeals to abstract issues that their opponents care very little about in the first place, such as basic human rights. Bigotrists tend not to realise the political implications of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs; they underestimate the need to appeal to one’s financial security before one’s compassion for other people.

Twit

Twit: verb. To post an idiotic tweet. People who twit are alternatively called twits and twitters, depending on how derogatory one intends to be. As with all things, it may seem that determining whether one is twitting or not is a highly subjective matter. Luckily, there is but one truth, and being an idiot is not a matter of opinion but of objective fact. 

Memephany

Memephany: noun. A sudden and important realisation about something to do with memes. The most common memephanies are that Pepe is read as “peh-pay” and not as “peep,” that the doge meme is much dead such six feet under wow, that Australia is an actual country and was not made up for the amusement of the European bourgeoisie, that socioeconomic stereotypes perpetuated by meme culture are surprisingly accurate, and that Donald Trump is not a meme but an actual person, and the president of the United States of America at that. 

Gnuisance

Gnuisance: noun. Someone or something annoying in the manner of gnus. A gnuisance makes annoying grunting sounds, smells, kicks, headbutts others, or has a silent g. Much talk has been dedicated to how to pronounce the word gnuisance. After some ten years, the Movement for the Rationalisation of the English Language decided that the word should be pronounced with a silent g, as that was deemed to be hilariously self-referential. The movement then briefly renamed itself to the Moovment for the Rash-n-lihzeyshun of thee Inglish Langwidge, but readopted its former name once it sobered up in the morning.    

Agnustic

Agnustic: noun. A person who is not sure gnus exist and refuses to take a definitive position on the topic. A common reason for agnusticism is lack of first-hand evidence counterweighed by access to plenty second-hand evidence. Conversely, some agnustics have plenty experience with gnus but embrace a form of Pyrrhonian Scepticism with regards to the world in general. The word agnostic should not be confused with the word agnoustics, the sonic capabilities of a gnu.  

Spiritsuality

Spiritsuality: noun. A proclivity for drinking alcohol. A person who practices spiritsuality is spiritsual and is often called a spiritsualist. My uncle is a self-proclaimed spiritsualist. Having grown up in times of deepest and darkest Communism, he turned to the only publicly accepted form of religion when he was but a teenager. My mum was close to becoming a spiritsualist, but decided that her genetic makeup was not too favourable to a safe sort of spiritsuality. My dad, on the other hand, is a spiritsualist only on Sundays, which is, lamentably, how most people treat religion these days. 

Discribe

Discribe: verb. The word discribe has two definitions, the former being by far the more popular one:

1.      To malign something or someone, usually but not necessarily in print.

2.      To stop a scribe from being a scribe. This can be done in numerous ways, for example by firing them and writing them a very bad review so that they are never hired again. Other popular discription methods include plaguing a scribe with deep existential questions about the value of their work, inducing writer’s block on them, or simply chopping their hands off.

Decomposter

Decomposter: noun. Someone who or something that destroys a compost. A compost is not necessarily destroyed through violent disruption. An irony of the compost is that it can be too good at being a compost, and consequently composts itself. Thus, it becomes its own decomposter. 

Outperator

Outperator: noun. Someone who specialises in removing things. Outperators separate into two groups: Firstly, those who merely change the location of the thing they are removing, for example by moving it outside from inside, and secondly, those who destroy the thing they are removing. The boundaries between the two categories are often flexible, so for example a garbage man may be referred to as the first kind of outperator insofar as he removes garbage from the garbage can, but he may also be referred to as the latter kind of outperator insofar as he brings the objects to be burnt, recycled, or composted. 

Neorxnawanker

Neorxnawanker: noun. Colloquially, a detestable inhabitant of Neorxnawang, the Anglo-Saxon version of heaven. A Neorxnawanker typically brings a lot of trouble, usually through daftness rather than malice. The term should not be confused with Neorxnawanger, the proper name for any citizen or permanent resident of Neorxnawang, though not for green-card holders or anyone applying on any sort of visa, be it a work-permit or a student visa (those wishing to study in Neorxnawang are hereby reminded to print their F-1, I-20, and I-94 documents before arrival or they will be turned away at the gate).

Carnipotent

Carnipotent: adjective. Powerful in the ways of meat. There are several ways in which a person can be conceived of as carnipotent. Firstly, one can have a powerful body, thus wielding great meaty power. Secondly, one can be strongly in control of one’s own body, by being agile. Thirdly, one can be in control of another’s body, for example by being a general in an army or by being a mind-controlling evil genius. Fourthly, one can simply own a lot of meat; a butcher is a classical example of carnipotence. The list goes on for ages and ages, but what is important to note is that carnipotence is most frequently contrasted with herbipotence (power in the ways of plants) and omnipotence (not the traditional concept of all-powerfulness, but simply power in the ways of both meat and plants).    

Duhknow

Duhknow: exclamation. This is an interjection used in a very specific situation. It is applicable, when one is undergoing a psychological test or experiment, where one is being presented with information and has to decide if it is something one 'knows' or one 'remembers'. If the answer is quite obviously that it is something one 'knows', then shouting Duhknow loudly and passionately is an appropriate response that definitely won't annoy the experimenter.

Duhno

Duhno: interjection. An exclamation used when a fact or statement to which the response is quite blatantly negative. Examples of questions to which this would be an appropriate response include: "Ok, sir/madam I'm finished how does this look? Should I cut a little more off the back?", " Excuse me sir/madam, do you have a moment to talk about Jesus Christ?" or "We don't have Coke, but would you like a Pepsi?"