Sipher

Sipher: noun. A cipher created by J. Edgar Hoover, which was decrypted by wrapping paper through and around a sieve in a complex and confusing way, which resulted in the decrypted message falling out of the bottom of the sieve. Many associates of Hoover's saw this in practice, but no one has been able to replicate it since Hoover's death. This suggests two theories, that either Hoover was an alien or he was magic. The commonly accepted theory is that Hoover was magic, which is supported by the fact that he was able to create an openly-existing-top-secret-undercover-agency.

Fragment VII

The group of four departed in two carriages the next morning. Charlotte, Elizabeth and Mr Darcy traveled in one carriage and Mr. Collins had a carriage all to himself, which was understandable, as he was determined to take his herrings with him on the journey.

The goings were slow, as there was unpleasant and stormy weather, which meant the roads were of an appalling quality and they had to stop twice to change horses, as they tired rather quickly. The second time they stopped was somewhere in Lincolnshire on a rather lonely inn next to the road. The inn was named “Ye Olde Marineate”, which was due to an unfortunate sign-making error and was doubly unfortunate, because the word is actually verb.

Inside the inn was a lonely female innkeeper, who seemed excessively bored and utterly indifferent about the arrival of the guests. Mr. Darcy ended up having to harness the horses for both of the carriages, as Mr. Collins was unable to do so for his carriage.

Just as they were about to leave, the innkeeper seemed to awaken, “Are you heading on that foolish adventure, everyone else seems to be going on these days?”

Despite the vague question, Elizabeth immediately understood what the innkeeper was referring to. “Yes, why?” she inquired.

“I warn you! That adventure is not what it seems to be, however if you pay me a large sum of gold, I will cast a spell on you, which will protect you from all the potential dangers of the adventure." the old woman replied.

Demember

Demember: verb. To remove a finger from the hand of someone. This was a form of torture used in by the Mali Empire to punish those, who attempted to drink milk. This was especially prominent during the reign of Mansa Musa II, who happened to be lactose intolerant and so banned the drinking of milk under the punishment of demembering. There were some, who attempted to avoid the punishment and still drink milk, but they were quickly discovered by the world's first form of Inquisition/Police.

Unmember

Unmember: verb. An archaic version of the word "to forget". The word was last used by Chaucer and even in his time it was rarely used in writing and practically never used in spoken word. There are various theories about when the word was first used, but the most prominent and accepted one is that it was first used the year before Bede was born and it was actually an used in association with an accident by Bede's mother.

Antagonism

Antagonism: noun. The philosophy that everyone around you at all times is out to get you and even if there's no one around you, they're still there to get you. There are theories that this word was first coined by a amateur-psychiatrist, who was trying to cover up his paranoia. However the details are sketchy as it is all under the censorship of the US government and it's all very hush-hush and we can't really say any more. How suspicious...

Protagonism

Protagonism: noun. The belief that in one's life one's path will ultimately lead to a successful and happy ending, no matter what choices are taken along the way. This philosophy was proposed by the great Jacques Derrida, unfortunately rather than being accepted as the humorous ridicule it was meant to be, it was taken up by the philosophical community, as a valid 'ism'. This distressed Derrida so much that he withdrew from contact with any and all brass instruments until the end of his life.

Brider

Brider: adjective. This comparative is a combination of the words broader and wider. It was first used by accident by a Philosophy professor in the early 1970's who was attempting to emphasise the importance of the scope of a work in the evaluation of it's metaphysical impact on the disharmonising postulate of an adept at epistemology. Essentially his focus had to be wider and broader, but the professor succeeded in creating brider. It has probably been one of the greatest accomplishments of his life, even though he isn't very highly regarded for it.

Exchecker

Exchecker: noun. An office of the British government, which is in charge of all dictionaries, vocabularies, syntactics, semantics, etymologies, hermits, eloquentics and other such related preoccupations. The office was established by Henry the VI and was just about the only remarkable act of his reign. The office is headed by the Lord of the Exchecker, which is a hereditary position held by the house of Nym and the incumbent is Armistead Johnoah 37th Baron of Nym.

Nym

Nym: noun. A word which is in no way related to a base word, which has been used as an origin for a search. This is the often disregarded syntactical category, alongside synonyms and antonyms. Nyms are oftentimes the most populated category, but due to a massive campaign in the late 1875's against the category, they are now mainly disregarded by the global linguistic and language-enthusiast community, much to the chagrin of the Honourable Lord Nym, Chancellor of the Exchecker.

Fragment VI

The three enjoyed each other’s company for the rest of the afternoon, while Mr Collins laboured by a nearby tree with a rather large pile of herring and an ingenious device of his construction, which launched herring at a surprising speed in the general direction of up. Despite this brilliant invention, Mr Collins was unsuccessful in cutting down the tree by nightfall and so returned to the mansion quite disappointed.

“Tell you what dear, shall we take a relaxing holiday and go on a small adventure with the Elizabeth and Mr Darcy, rather than immediately returning to Lady Catherine? It will help you take your mind off all of the herring”, suggested Charlotte after her husband had retold his troubles.

“But Lady Catherine will be expecting us back promptly! We can’t possibly let her wait.” lamented Mr Collins.

“Why of course we can. We shan’t be gone for very long and I’m sure she can manage without us. Besides if she couldn’t manage, then why would she send us away in the first place?” schemed Charlotte.

“That is indeed a very good point, perhaps you are right.” agreed finally Mr Collins.

“Excellent, I shall confirm with Lizzy later tonight.” beamed Charlotte.

And that is precisely what she did. Lizzy was thrilled to have her oldest friend accompany her on the adventure and was very much looking forward to it, despite the fact that Mr Collins was coming along as well.

Delikacy

Delikacy: noun. This word has two absolutely fascinating meanings.

1. The efficacy of a deli. Essentially the likelihood that if you enter a deli, you will emerge with what you wanted. There are varying degrees of this, depending on where you are in the world. For example the delikacy of delis in Algeria is quite high, because if you enter a deli you will most likely emerge with something very similar to what you wanted, but not quite there. However in Morocco you will most likely emerge with a awful rash and a leek, no matter what you wanted.
2. Describing a food, which is specific to a region or culture and which also has a pleasurable taste. One may think that the word delicacy already achieves this, however it has been mentioned that the word delicacy is the universal term for something unspeakably awful but rare.

Gourda

Gourda: noun. A combination of the Haitian currency of the Gourde and also the well-known cheese Gouda. Logically it can then be inferred that a gourda is a large block of cheese, which is beige-coloured and tasting distinctly of port wine and jambalaya. This cheese is commonly made in Tenerife and also Sant Maarten, where it is sold as a delicacy, which is the universal term for something disgusting, but rare.

Scrupleton

Scrupleton: noun. A 100 scruples. As everyone knows the scruple is a unit of mass used by apothecaries, hence belonging to the Apothecaries' system. There are 3 scruples in a drachm and 288 scruples in a pound, but more importantly and much more sensibly, there are 100 scruples in a scrupleton. This specific unit of measurement was created by an apothecary from Brighton, who was well known for providing hemlock in the scrupletons. 

Sqrunch

Sqrunch: noun. A more accurate representation or onomatopoeia of the sound made when a bug is stepped on and crushed. This bug preferably must have a thicker shell or exoskeleton, as well as being sufficiently juicy. Only then can the sound that emanates from the broken wreck of a bug be described as a sqrunch. No one is entirely sure, when the word was first used, although there are theories that it was used post mortem by Galileo Galilei, when his theories were confirmed.

Infrustration

Infrustration: noun. The feeling one gets when one loses something, knows that he has lost it and still cannot find it, even though it should be really easy to find and one is looking in the right direction. This happens on varying scales to different people, where some suffer from it frequently and some never at all. The common and accepted theory is that the object that has been lost has been stolen by pixies or leprechauns and can only be returned, once a long enough period of infrustration has been suffered.

Trainge

Trainge: verb. To change train or subway/metro lines. This word was first used and subsequently popularised by a group called the Subways from New York, who spent their days riding various subway lines and trying to determine, what were the fastest routes from a stop to another stop, including various factors, such as people density and frequency of performers. They created the word to simplify their communication to each other, which was semi-pointless as they communicated with each other very rarely, being extremely anti-social.

Scovillity

Scovillity: noun. The measure of the spiciness of spicy foods, based on the Scoville scale. The Scoville scale was devised in 1912 as a scale of pungency of spicy foods and has since been often used by manufacturers of spicy sauces to promote their product. It was Wilbur Scoville himself who coined the word scovillity. He did so in an attempt to popularise his scale and to increase his own ego. The conversation during which the word was first used went something like this:
"Wow, this is a rather spicy chilli pepper."
"Do you know its scovillity?"
"Its what?"
"Oh, you know, scovillity. It's this useful technique I created..."
You can imagine how it went from there...

Fragment V

“So to what do we owe the pleasure of having you as our guests?” inquired Elizabeth.

“Ah, you see I have been sent by the honourable Lady Catherine de Bourgh to cut down the mightiest tree in Derbyshire with a herring. A task I plan to achieve tomorrow, so that we may return to Lady Catherine as soon as possible.” answered Mr. Collins.

The unpleasant odour was still very much presalent around Mr. Collins, hence he was encouraged by the others in the room, to begin his task now, as they believed it may take him longer than he anticipates.

Elizabeth was baffled, “Charlotte dear, how can you possibly bear this atrocious caricature of a man as a husband? He must be so exasperating.”

“Oh, one gets used to him. On the positive side, he is so engrossed with Lady Catherine and his own ego that absolutely everything goes past him, it’s no difficulty for me to keep my own agenda or plans. Sometimes I wonder if he still remembers that I live in the same house as him.” replied Charlotte. “And how have things been here at Pemberley, Elizabeth has only livened the place I trust Mr. Darcy?”

“Oh yes, most certainly. We couldn’t be happier and Georgiana couldn’t have asked for a better friend. However I have realised that we may have to leave you tomorrow morning, as we have a trip planned.” exclaimed Mr. Darcy.

“I absolutely forgot about that, how silly of me!” reprimanded herself Elizabeth, “I’m afraid Charlotte that a friend of Fitzwilliam’s has invited us on an adventure and we’ve been planning to leave for quite some time, it shall be impossible for us to cancel the trip now!”

“Oh that’s quite alright, I’m sure that we shall be on our way quite promptly. Whether we leave with a tree or without, that is yet to be seen.”

“In that case, I propose we summon Mr Collins back and send him to have a lovely fragrant bath, while we enjoy some supper and discuss all that has happened, since we’ve last seen each other.” issued Elizabeth and so they engaged themselves for the afternoon.

Butterflious

Butterflious: adjective. Describing something which is vaguely related to a butterfly and is also most definitely marvellous. For example in 1935 a German constructor named Wilhelm Schonitz constructed a giant butterfly net, which was intended to catch happy emotions, as they floated towards the heavens and then redistribute the happiness amongst the suffering populace. This idea was called butterflious by many, until it was used to aid the Nazi was effort, having been reconfigured to capture idealism, rashness, irrationality and violence. Some believe that the net was actually one of the main causes of World War Two.

Oligobatics

Oligobatics: noun. To counteract the popularity of acrobatics in Ancient Greece, as well as Ancient Texas, and the inherent discrimination of acrobatics, the Celtic Dwarf/Little-People Society created oligobatics, as a discipline much more accessible to the general public. In fact the discipline was a huge success and the originators were praised for their excellent, and much more inclusive idea. However the Greeks simply couldn't accept this, so they sabotaged the 100th annual oligobatics championships, thereby sending the sport into obscurity and almost extinction, except for a small group of practitioners near Basel, Switzerland. The word originates from the Greek word "oligos" meaning small, few or little.

Efamiliate

Efamiliate: verb. Cause (someone) to become close or affectionate to someone; befriend. The Movement for the Rationalisation of the English Language created this word in the early 1827's as a direct antonym to the word estrange. However in their desperate plight to create a suitable word, they overlooked the trend of society at the time, which would have clearly shown them that society at the time did not require positive-minded words, rather looking for words with a similar connotation to estrange. Hence the word quickly fell into obscurity with some people openly criticising it. Since then it has been called one of the greatest mistakes of the Movement.

Diadrammatic

Diadrammatic: adjective. Describing something, which in some way represents a theatre work, a dilemma, a perplexing situation or unusual event. This very wide definition was first proposed by the French photographer Nicéphore Niépce, who enjoyed incorporating dramatic scenes into his photographs and daguerrotypes, hence making them diadrammatic. It is likely that we shall never run out of diadrammatic things, as there will always be dramatic events happening, that is unless the great Platypus-Cat of Salem takes over. Of course. 

Electraumatic

Electraumatic: adjective. Describing something, which can cause trauma using electricity. For example repetitive use of a Van de Graaff generator can lead to severe psychological trauma and hence can be described as electraumatic. This is a recognised medical condition, and hence there are several medical abbreviations associated with this term. For example LOLSBOEE (Little Old Lady Suffered Because Of Electraumatic Experience) or EEIP (Electraumatic Experience Induced Paranoia) and also SLEEP (Sudden Latent Electraumatic Experience Paralysis).

Trespassment

Trespassment: noun. The action wherein one trespasses into a different one's property, while under the influence of a herb of some sort. For example when one enters a military facility, while under the influence of coriander can be considered an act of trespassment. In 2011 this word was voted by the British public of Adelaide to be the 2nd hardest word to spell in a spelling bee. It came second only to the word 'aardwolf'. This is particularly interesting, because aardwolves can often be perpetrators of trespassment, due to their frequent ingestion of thyme, while hunting.

Vocabulistics

Vocabulistics: noun. The study of vocabulary, one who studies this is a vocabulist. The two branches of vocabulistiscs are psychological vocabulistics and historical vocabulistics. The first branch is the study of the effects of specific vocabulary words on an individual or how one's vocabulary develops over time or under different circumstances, while historical vocabulists study the development of the average vocabulary throughout history and how new words have influenced historical events. Pastism shows that this veer blog will be the most important subject in all of historical vocabulistics.

Fragment IV

Elizabeth Darcy emerged from the mansion doorway in an exquisite, yet simple and utilitarian dress. She was ecstatic at getting to see her oldest friend once again, less so about the olfactory sensation that was Mr Collins.

“Why Charlotte, you could have written to let me know you were coming! Come right in.” announced Elizabeth excitedly. As Mr Collins began to follow his wife she turned to him, “I’m afraid Mr Collins that you shall have to enter through the back door, we recently had new carpets installed.”

Hence Mr Collins collected his bearing and his herring and went on the 15 minute walk to the other side of the house. In the mean time Elizabeth showed Charlotte the room, she would be staying in (conveniently far away from Mr Collins’ room), while they talked about motherhood and Charlotte’s plans once the baby arrived.

Later that afternoon they were joined by Mr Collins for tea and even Mr Darcy turned up. Mr Darcy had recently been suffering from schizofernia due to an unfortunate gardening incident and so was sticking to the parts of the house, further away from the garden. Mr Collins in the mean time had managed to partially remove the stench from himself and Elizabeth had him surrounded by so many flowers, incense and myrrh that he was actually bearable for shorter lengths of time.

Prevalencia

Prevalencia: noun. The famous town that once stood, where modern day Valencia, Spain stands. No one remembers the name of the original town anymore, hence the scientific and archaeological community agreed upon the term prevalencia and then further conjugated this term to include for example the prevalencian society, the prevalencian bronze ages, the prevalenciar people and the prevalencio-basque wars.

Obesimum

Obesimum: noun. A particularly offensive and impolite term, usable when referring to a mother suffering from obesity of some form. This word is considered unacceptable in all levels of society. There is a story of a man uttering the word in the 1990's to a group of friends, who promptly reported him to the police and the man was excommunicated by the Pope to the island of Elba three days later. He died of a walking-jellyfish attack and his last words were reported to be "Some friends I've got..."

Obesidad

Obesidad: noun. Not to be confused with the Spanish word for 'obesity', this word refers to a parental figure in a family, who can be described as big-boned. Some consider obesidad as a euphemism, however the Oxford Society for the Mystical Interpretation of Euphemisi and Various Wordly Paraphernalia clearly states that the word is a meta-euphamism, with a strand of allegorical chiasmus on the 'a'.

Tyrannosaurexia

Tyrannosaurexia: noun. A disease caused by malnutrition, specifically the severe lack of neon in one's diet. It is often confused with Kwashiorkor, however the distinct symptom of Tyrannosaurexia is the shortening of the upper limbs of the infected, as well as a prolonging of the snout...er...face. The disease was first named by the famous explorer David Livingstone. In fact the medical missionary shouted it to H. M. Stanley during a famous conversation, which went something like this:

"Dr Livingstone, I presume?"
"Tyrannosaurexia."

Bulimia

Bulimia: noun. The lost country in the middle of the Amazon rainforest, which has been speculated about. There are various theories that claim that the officials of Brazil hide from the rest of the world an entire country, which exists within the Amazon rainforest, so as to increase their own borders and thereby their sense of self-worth. Bulimia was searched for by Francisco Pizarro, Vasco de Gama and others, however they all mysteriously died of an unknown illness, I'm sure that doesn't mean anything. Brazil hopes that continued deforestation will rid it of the problem of Bulimia. 

Overweightness

Overweightness: noun. The degree to which one is overweight, as well as the degree to which one is being weighed down by a problem, burden or in-law. This word became very popular in the vocabulary of doctors in the 1960's, especially after the baby boom in Europe and Asia. The sentence: "Overweightness was high in the city due to the overweightness of the population" appeared in many different satirical comics and cartoons of various newspapers, along with caricatures of various family members.

Parently

Parently: adverb. Describing something, which resembles the actions or behaviour of a parent. Used often by kids of an age below 8 years old, who imitate their parents, they use the word to justify their actions to their fellow sand-pit comrades as they drag around a miniature shopping cart shouting, "Why the hell is everything so expensive these days?!"

Forgy

Forgy: noun/adjective. This word has two very different meanings, which should not be confused even in the most dire circumstances.

1. A food orgy. These were very popular in the halls of Ancient Rome, especially in the halls of well to-do citizens, emperors, senators and clergy. A forgy would be held within a convivium, and there were three lavish courses served to the guests reclining on couches. The courses were in order gustatio, mensae primae and mensae secundae.
2. Relating to a forge. A forge is a type of hearth used by blacksmiths, and the word forgy has oftentimes been incorrectly used to describe hearths, which in fact weren't forges at all. There are various types of forges including coal, gas and finery forges.

So what that this post is only educational and not funny?! Deal with it!

Rapitalism

Rapitalism: noun. The word Rapitalism is central to two very different ideologies.
1. The belief that all wealth should naturally belong to the better rapper.
2. The belief that all women naturally belong to the better rapi - I mean rabbit.

Soakialism

Soakialism: noun. The belief that everyone must be of the same degree of wetness. Many attempts have been made to promote Soakialism around the world. For example, it used to be the law in Scotland that whenever it started raining, everyone had to run out into the streets naked to get equally wet. However, this law often came under attack as the different shapes of people always led to some degree of inequality.

Xpearience

Xpearience: noun. An experience concerning pears. It can be used in sentences like:
"What's your favourite Xpearience?"
"Well, there was this one time that I found a pear and I -"
*snore, snore, snore*
"Never mind"

Sodamasochism

Sodamasochism: noun. Sodamasochism is what happens when soda starts to flog itself, whether the sode concerned happens to be baking soda, soda drinks or baking soda volcanoes. Sodamasochism is also quite common among dyslexic people, although it is quite unclear how much pleasure they can gain from it.

Flagjellant

Flagjellant: noun. A person who likes to flog himself with a flag. The most painful form of flagjellantism is the one practiced in Nepal, as flagjellants from Nepal use their own country's spiky flag, which digs into flesh far more effectively. Contrary to popular belief, a flagjellant is not a flagellant who whips his flesh until it effectively becomes jelly, but we do hope that you have understood this fact prior to us pointing it out.   

Flogarithm

Flogarithm: noun. The word flogarithm denotes flogging at regular intervals. Often used during the Renaissance period when old techniques of punishment met modern ideas about mathematics and music, flogarithms are now no longer displayed publicly, but still remain an integral practice in the bedrooms of sadomasochists. 

Fragment III:

At length, Mr and Mrs Collins made it to Pemberley. As Mr Collins clambered out of the carriage, he fell face down into a pile of dog poo, but this didn’t seem to matter much considering the state he was already in.

“Darling,” Mrs Collins called after him as she pulled a herring out of her heaving bosom, “are you all right?”

“Yes, love,” Mr Collins replied, opening his mouth in a way so stupid that some of the excrement fell onto his tongue, “Although I have eaten better.”

Mrs Collins squeezed herself past the luggage onto the fresh air. The colour immediately rushed back into her cheeks. “Oh Derbyshire,” she sighed with delight. Mr Collins stood up, his round face brown and his hair sticking upwards covered in herring oil, vomit and doggie doo, all making him look rather sporklike. Charlotte did not wish to see and turned her face towards the walls of Pemberley instead.

“Just like on the postcard,” she remarked.

The two began to take out their luggage, restocking all bags that had to be restocked with the herrings that had fallen out. Charlotte opened a secret compartment in her handbag to take out her perfume, which she immediately sprayed all over herself and her belongings, leaving only Mr Collins smelling like a humid fish with diaorrhea. Quite rightly, she concluded that spraying perfume on him would be a terrible waste that wouldn’t really fix anything. She walked up the steps and rang the doorbell, which was soon followed by a slight creeking noise.

“Lizzy, so lovely to see you!”

Rakeoon

Rakeoon: noun. There are two very different definitions for the word rakeoon, which are listed below (however, we were asked to put a space in between them so as to not stir up conflict between the users of each):

1. A giant sporklike rake used for raking as well as for digging. Its usefulness is disputed for both of these purposes.

2. A raccoon employed as a leaf cleaner.

Sporklike

Sporklike: adjective. An adjective denoting the qualities of a spork. Not to be confused with the words porklike, sportlike, corklike, forklike and especially not with the word spoonlike - one can see how easy it would be to make such grave mistake. The question that usually arises though, is what exactly about a spork is sporklike. Is it the merging of forklike and spoonlike qualities or is it a wider range of qualities like being spiky, round and metallic at the same time? That truly is a question.

Blalnd

Blalnd: noun. A bald blonde. One of the most tragic things you could ever see. In fact, according to Forbes' list of the most tragic images, a blalnd is 5102nd right after an eagle with its head stuck in a blow-drier and a raccoon stuck in a washing machine. Flagellant blalnds will be happy to note though that they are considered more tragic than topless mushrooms, unemployed monkeys and wet kittens.

Stanism

Stanism: noun. The belief that Stan is the answer to life, death and everything in between. The notable exception to this rule is pumpkin pie, as no one can be powerful enough to hold down the power of something so glorious. A person with such belief system is most commonly referred to as a Stanist. An example of the word used in a sentence would be "Stanists have firm stances on Stanism."

Compear

Compear: verb. There are two commonly used senses of the word compear.
1. To make a comparison between a pear and something that is not a pear.
2. To make a comparison between two pears.
3. To make a comparison between an apple product and something that is not an apple product.
The word can be used in sentences like: "You can't compear pears to apples, because they are so different. If you want to compear something properly, do it with pears and pears. Alternatively, you could also try compearing Apple products to those of Samsung.

Appel

Appel: verb. The act of pleading in court on behalf of an apple. The most famous occurrence of an appel dates back to twentieth century USSR. To sum up the court case, a former official of the Communist party was blamed for assaulting an apple without doing so in the name of the proletariat. As the apple could not sue him by itself because of how bashed up it was, the case was taken up by an agent of the KGB who presented a very convincing appel that led to the arrest of the former official, followed by his execution and hard labour in Siberia.

i

i: pronoun. Unlike I, i is a pronoun that could best be summed up as the first case of the halfth person. The halfth person is used almost as the first person, only by people who are missing a half of their body or a half of their mind; the latter occurrence could be the result of fatigue or simple lobotomy. The only difference between the halfth person and the first person is that the aforementioned "I" takes the form i and is read as the "i" in "in."

Part II

It took about two weeks for Mr Collins to depart from his sweet wife, who rejoiced at the fact that she would finally have some time for herself. This joy did not last too long though, as Lady Catherine’s severe punishment was soon extended to her too by association. And so the two packed their suitcases with several herrings and left for Derbyshire, somewhat reconciled with their fates and yet hopeful that they might return by the time that Charlotte’s baby, which she was carrying for three months by then, could be presented on its first day to its glorious future patrons, Lady Catherine and her daughter.

“I didn’t tell Lizzy that we were coming, my love,” Charlotte moaned in the carriage, slightly worried and feeling very sick.

“Do not worry, my dearest,” Mr Collins attempted a consoling tone, “my God, you are as green as an olive branch! Here, have some gascream.” Mr Collins handed his wife a container he had brought along, but Charlotte did not seem too happy. She looked around in deprivation until Mr Collins finally broke the silence with the words, “Oh dear me, I didn’t give you a spoon.”

As he bent forward amidst the luggage and rotting herrings that had been spillt over the floor to look for the spoon, Charlotte’s face twisted and turned. The smell of herrings was as thick as her husband’s skull and her head reeled in confused thoughts about her husband, Lizzy, Lady Catherine, Derbyshire, her family and rotting herrings. Finally, she clutched her stomach in agony and threw up all over her husband’s back.

“Ooh, a warm breeze,” Mr Collins remarked with pleasure, “how delightful. Only it is a little damp - must be the stuffiness of the place.”

And on they travelled for a few more days. All along, Mr Collins never noticed he had vomit on his back, and his wife was only too happy for that as she wasn’t prepared to keep giving him new clothes. At least he served her well as a vomit absorber and in any case, the smell could never be bad enough to overpower that of the fish. 

Plumder

Plumder: verb. To plunder a plum tree, usually for plums. Contrary to popular belief though, plumbering doesn't just happen for the lack of plums. Many plumderers plumder for random articles that may be of value, such as plum leaves, plum wood and the occasional twenty carat diamond. 

Vindictator

Vindictator: noun. A person who claims absolute power over a piece of land or community of people on the basis of being wronged before. It isn't really important whether the vindictator was wronged by the specific group of people he or she is ruling. In fact, it is more desirable for the vindictator to be wronged by someone completely unconnected, as he or she will feel less compelled to randomly take revenge on his or her subjects.

Rocktopus

Rocktopus: noun. A rock guitarist who plays so fast that to the audience he appears to have eight hands. In old English, however, a rocktopus was more often than not an octopus who liked to wear rocks as a fashionable accessory. With the increase in popularity of rock-stars and the decline of octopus fashion sense, the older meaning completely gave way to the new one and the only people who will still call octopi with rocks on their heads rocktopi are pompous old men wearing monocles.  

Shorrow

Shorrow: noun. The melancholy song of a beached whale. It's sad, really. Look into its eyes and see how the salty water is flowing down its cheeks like streams of giant tears - only you know they aren't tears, but it does not lessen the tragedy of the situation in any way. You know the right thing to do. Yes. Gather all your might and push it back into the sea. With the power of its god Poseidon, you yourself can rescue this beached whale... go out there and make a difference!

Parasparagus

Parasparagus: noun. Besides being a popular Roman name, the word parasparagus denotes an asparagus somehow gone wrong. Dysfunctions that would earn an asparagus the title of parasparagus could include overt chewiness, overt woodiness, overt tastiness, overt sugar content and overt ovary productivity within its reproductive organs. In many countries, the proper reaction to being served a parasparagus with overt ovary productivity is ovation.  

Pokesman

Pokesman: noun. An elected official for a group of individuals whose chief duty it is to poke people. This word is not to be confused with the words 'pokemon,' 'pacman' or 'poked salmon' and especially not with the equally obscure word smokepan, an instrument often used to collect and solidify smoke, the users of which run around looking a bit like butterfly chasers.

Messyah

Messyah: noun. The prophet of dirtiness, filth and general disorganisation. Most of his followers are children, though it does seem that the Messyah has gained plenty of followers among the newly rich of formerly poor countries, such as Russia, China and Saudi Arabia.

Fragment I:

Due to the disruption of our former story with a weird mini-epic about a certain Mary and an obese lamb, we have fallen behind with obtaining and posting updates about our parallel universe, causing plenty of confusion. After the accidental homicide of several hundred raccoons, we have come to the conclusion that we shall discontinue both of the stories rather than sticking to an earlier proposed plan of fusing the two storylines together, as the other option would require far too much effort and would probably cause an unnecessary cultural clash between Herb from a parallel universe and Mary from the equally puzzling Scotland. We have, therefore, not only decided to change the fragment names from letters to Roman numerals, but also changed the topic of our discourse. Observing the popularity of fan fiction in the recent days, we have been led to vote for that genre and shall stick to it for at least another week. The topic (at least for now), is Pride and Prejudice in Space...

"Mr Collins!" Lady Catherine shouted irately, "I thought I made myself perfectly clear when I said that your quest was to find a shrubbery and not a blubbery!"

Mr Collins began to stutter, "L-l-l-lady Ca-catherine, I am perfectly aware of your most sacred instructions upon the topic of gardening and the planting of small bushes, hedges, flower beds -"

"Then why," Lady Catherine screamed, "did you not follow them?"

"Well, you see, I thought that the effect of the little path down the middle between the one hedge and the other could be better achieved with blubber than with conventional greenery and the fact is that-"

"I have heard enough!" Lady Catherine cut him short, "You have failed, Mr Collins. Your punishment shall be most severe."

"No, no, no, not the soft cushions!!!" Mr Collins pleaded.

"No... your offence was far graver than that... it was even too grave for a comfy chair..."

Mr Collins verdurated in horror.

"You..." Lady Catherine paused slightly, shocked that she should ever utter a punishment so severe as this, "shall travel to Derbyshire and cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with... a herring!"

"It can't be done!" Mr Collins screamed.

At that precise moment, a group of at least eight fairies flew into the room with sparks flying around them as if they were being burnt at the stake (which would still, of course, be a far more merciful punishment than cutting down the mightiest tree in Derbyshire with a herring).

"Of course it can be done," said the blonde one with the tall heels "All you have to do is believe in yourself!"

With those wise words, the fairies flew out again, leaving behind an inspired Mr Collins with glittering eyes and a radiance that he seemed to have borrowed from Buddha.

"And so to Derbyshire I shall depart," He proclaimed.

   

Blubbery

Blubbery: adjective or noun.
1. As an adjective, the word blubbery refers to something with the qualities of blubber, the thick layer of vascularised adipose tissue found under the skin of cetaceans, pinnipeds and sirenians.
2. As a noun, the word blubbery refers to an outdoor garden display of thickly planted blubber. It is advised to purchase two blubberies and place one only slightly higher so it gets a two level effect with a little path going down the middle.

Germophone

Germophone: noun. The word germophone has several possible meanings:
1. One who speaks germanely.
2. One who speaks the language of germs.
3. One who speaks to the Austrian dish called germknödel.
Clearly, it is possible for a person to fullfil more than one of these criterions, as it is very easy to have a pertinent conversation with a giant plum filled dumpling.

Spikeful

Spikeful: adjective. The quality of being full of spikes. It is a common misconception that hedgehogs are spiky rather than spikeful. In fact, they are both, as spikes tend to grow from the inside to the outside, meaning that most spikes are both in and out of a hedgehog at the same time. What people also tend not to realise is that baby hedgehogs are spikeful rather than spiky, since it takes a few days for their spikes to actually start coming out from under their skin after birth.

Nunununununiumisation

Nunununununiumisation: noun. Recalling the good old days when we posted our first word ununununiumisation which, with its good nature and childhearted simplicity, we now see almost as a baby´s first word, we have to fill in a gap that must have left our readers wondering: can a nun undo unununium? Our answer to this is: yes. A nun can undo unununium - or ununununiumise - if she happens to be the fortunate person who does come up with a new name for it, in which case she will be the first and probably last person to Nunununununiumise. 

Bisickle

Bisickle: noun. The most powerful weapon of a dedicated Communist. A bisickle is a sickle that faces both sides, enabling increased efficiency in reaping. While many evil Capitalists have suggested that bisickles are dangerous to their users, it is obvious that they are only jealous, as the following testimony of Ivan the farmer proves: "The reason why I lost my whole arm while operating a bisickle is not due to its dangerous potential but due to the fact that one day, I was working on my field when an evil Capitalist came up to me and tried to steal it from me, saying that Uncle Sam needs it for his country. I saved it, but lost my hand... glory to the Motherland!"

Notice to Readers 2

We have come back from Nigeria to verify for ourselves what has only gotten to us through rumours: that the insane Scotsman we left in charge of the blog and gave money to for doing so was growing more insane every day and, what is more, no one understood him. A quick google search also revealed that he was only using already existing names of towns and giving definitions to them, which is the most terrible display of a lack of imagination on his part. For these reasons, we have come back to restore the blog to its former glory. (the fact that the Nigerian king's email was a fraud and we only had enough money to buy plane tickets back had absolutely no impact on our decision)

Cowdenbeath

Cowdenbeath: verb. To cowdenbeath is to baythe a cow in a den. Wheyle the porpose of doihng somthin leyke this is dispyutable, the ohrigin of this word is lehss soh. Linguists have trayced the word cowdenbeath back to an ahncient, humbly brought up king whu belivved that cows werre the incahrnation of Sahtan. At beying ohffered veal, the king wuld always shewt: "Cows, dem beasts!" but becauhse he had a lisp, it sewnded mohre leyke "Cow, dem beath!" The hard-of-hirring sehrvants thought that the king was vehry heyginnick aboot his fud and wahn'ed his cows bahthed beforre beying sehrved. How the den helped, no one rilly knyuw, but they saw that the king was beying vehry persihstent aboot this detayl and so theyy chohse to obeyy on that matterr.   

Gargunnock

Gargunnock: verb. To man a piess of leyght armamehnt atop of a veyicle. A pehrson who ohperaytes this machinn is noht culled a gargunnocker but a gargunner, which is vehry lohgical, as we also happen to cull a certain bird a "roadrunner" rather than a "roadrunnocker" - theh'res rison in ehvrything. Farthermohrre, the word gargunnock is noht to be maddled up with other things that ahlso start with the le'ers "gar," as for some rison, they yusully happen to denohte fictional characters, such as Garfield, Gargamel and Gargantua. Wun particularrity aboot these characters is that they'rre rather large in sohme way or another (Gargantua in heiyght, Garfield in width and Gargamel in comparison to the Smurfs), which is an ehxtra (and I daresay queyte valid) rison whey not to confyuse thehm with ohperayting a piess of leyght (and theref'r small) machin'ry.  

Fragment E:

Thohse plohnkers whu stahrted this trahdition of maehking spehcial Sundy pohsts must haev been out of theyre meynds treying to come up with something soh tediyus. The thought of which mayde me realeyse: Since they profehss to haev no interneht connehction, they will hardly feynd out if Ey dohn't do the Sundy story... well thats an ehxtra half an hour to drink whisky and Irn bru!

Moneydie

Moneydie: imperative verb. The word moneydie is queyte yunique as it ohnly exihsts in the impehrative form. Taeken to minn somthin leyke "oh perish thou veyle form of currency," it is vehry yussful when assehssing the twisted valyues of mohdern materialist sohceyety, the discuhssion of which can ahlways be wehll concludded bey uttering the phrase "moneydie!"

Cowie

Cowie: noun or adjective. Behohld the pow'rr of the greyt hornid word that hohlds such plehntiniss of diffrent fayces:
1. Noun: A small cow.
2. Noun: An infanteyle cow.
3. Noun: A small infanteyle cow.
4. Adjective: Leyke a cow.
5. Adjective: Leyke a small cow.
6. Adjective: Leyke an infanteyle cow.
7. Adjective: Leyke a small infanteyle cow. 

Wormit

Wormit: verb, noun or interjection. The word wormit has sehv'ral pohssible dehfinitions, the mohst friquintly yused of which arre the fohllowing:
1. Verb: To ruin somthin with the prehsence of worms, as in the seh'ence: "He snickily wormitted the flewer."
2. Noun: Sleymy, wreything and disguhsting vermin, such as worms.
3: Interjection: An exclamahtion utt'rr'd in shohck ov'rr somthin spoiyled, as in "Oh wormit! Mey piey has gohne bad!"  

Teasses

Teasses: plural noun. The word teasses has the fohllowing twu minnings:
1. Tea-leyke dohnkeys (whuse resehmblance to tea culd be caused bey tea-bag-string-leyke taihls or perhaps tea-leaf-leyke irrs).
2. Tea-leyke buttocks.

Kingoodie

Kingoodie: noun. An ehnviable traiht passed ohn thru genehtics that is prehsent in wun particular family, for example parple eyyes, grayceful necks or three hands. The word is noht t'be confyused with the word kinggoodie, a sarrcastic rehference to "Good King Wenceslas" whu almohst sohld his country to the Gehrmans, but will forehver be remehmbered as the gey whu trudged thru snohw to giv a fyuw coihns to a peahsant.      

Moonzie

Moonzie: adjective. Pertaihning t'the moon. Unleyke the word "moony," the word moonzie has noht yeht been corrupted bey mohdern slang that tarn'd the dehfinition of "moony" into somthin mohre leyke "loony." As t'the word itsehlf, mahny pipple feynd it dihfficult t'imahgin how to yuse it in a seh'nce, bu' it is isierr than it looks, which shall be dehmonstrayted in the fohllowing example:

"Hey, look at that Buzz, we should bring this moonzie rock back to Earth."
"It's moon rock Neil, stop being so moonzie."
"Ermergerd Buzz, you're doing the same thing to moonzie as what happened to 'moony!'"

...

As yu can see, nune of these sehn'ces yused the word moonzie correhctly... mahybe it rilly isn't that easy to yuse it.   
   

Craiggiecat

Craiggiecat: noun. A cat belohnging to a cheyld naemed Craig or a cat belohnging to a man nahmed Craig whu is vehry juveneyle. Noht to be confyused with a cragcat, a cat trapped on a mewntin and even lehss to be confyused with the Cragglecat, A lehgendary feleyne of mahny faymous feats. Accohrding to the tayles, the Cragglecat was a cat that spat at a rat's bat's hat's mat. Now tha' is imprehssive.

Fragment D:

As Mahry has now deyed therre arre sum mohre things tu discuss.
Leyke witchyburns and pitforthies and mannrs on the bus.
But Eye am layzy (vehry much so) and Ey can't give a ... fan.
Which is whey Ey will yuse nyew words as quickly as Ey can:

Ey hayte the bourgeoisie Ey do,
Ey inchgrundle at theirr seyght.
Ey tehll them "auchindown on you!"
To gi'them a wee freyght.

Anuther fact aboot me is ey dohn't haev a craggiecat.
I'd cookney it thoh, if Ey did, there's noh dewbt aboot that.
The last word that remayns t'be yused Ey fear's quharity....
Well I shall trey with a mohral then: Give to muney mey charity.

(The numb'r is +210 991 234 956 925 875. Y'rr dohnation will suppor' a cupple'o'whisky brwrs Ey knoh)

   

Inchgrundle

Inchgrundle: noun. Therre arre twu pohssible dehfinitions for the word inchgrundle:
1. A big grundle (a grundle collohquially being defeyned as a small grumble).
2. A queyte short ... path to a futboll arena.   

Auchindown

Auchindown: interjection. An exclamahtion wun maehks when encewntering a vehry stuck up and snohbby indivijual (or in the werse cayse, a grup o'thehm). Dereyved frum the phrahse: "Oy, chin dewn," auchindown becayme knohn as a far morre poleyte exprehssion, thoh no wun rilly knohs whey. 

Quharity

Quharity: unknown. The ohnly word in the Ehnglish language tha' scorres an extra tehn poynts in scrabble. This is in addihtion to its other greyt achivmint: It is wun of the vehry fyuw werds in scrabble that dohn't requeyre another vewel after the letters "qu." Sadly, no wun knohs wha'it minns. 

Cookney

Cookney: verb. To cook sumthin' in a mahnner that can be, at behst, culled quahsi-cookery. Noht t'be confyused with cookneigh, the sewnd pipple look ewt f'rr when treying to cook a hohrse. A hohrse that is not yet cooked will neigh, wheyle a hohrse that is just at the poynt of pehrfect cooking will mayke the sewnd culled cookney, which sewnds vehry much leyke the sewnd of sizzling eggs paihred with the sewnd of a brohken bagpeype (oh the hohrrorr; mey Sco'ish eyes arre tirring up at the vehry thought! In Sco'land therre arre twu thihngs to avoyd: brohken bagpeypes and kilts with hohles).

Pitforthie

Pitforthie: noun. A pitforthie is the naem one culls an unwon'ed gift that did not cohst its giv'rr the sleightest ehffort or muney. Originayting from the wunce cohmmon exprehssion "pit for thee," the word draws on the utter lack of valyue of air in the grewnd, espehcially when symbohlically givn to sumwun. The word c'n be yused in seh'nces leyke the fohllowing: "Mey muthr gaev me underwearr for mey berthday... what a pitforthie! It's not leyke ey actually wear underwear under mey kilt!"

Witchyburn

Witchyburn: noun, verb, interjection. The word witchyburn yused to be yused soh friquintley, that it gaihned sehvr'l dihfrent minnings thru teyme:
1. As a noun, the word witchyburn decreybes the festihvities assohciated with barnin' a witch, as the fohllowing seh'nces shohw: "We'rre going t'haev a witchyburn! Darling, bring the pohpcorn."
2. As a verb, the word descreybes the actions of a witch barnt at staehk. It is a cohmmon misconcehption that witches sihmply burn. Witches do barn, but whehn the word "witch" is not explihcitly mehntioned in the seh'nce, it is nehcessary to say that she witchyburns. An example of this is in the twu fohllowing seh'nces: "The witch is barning. She is witchyburning!"
3. As an interjection, the word witchyburn is a vehry meyld currrseword, yused in sentences leyke: "Oh witchyburn, Ey forgoht to tell you that the risson we never had kids is bicause I had a vasehctomy."

Bogbain

Bogbain: noun. The cause of doom f'r bohgs. Thoh mayny pipple do noht leyke bohgs, sceyentists haev actully fewnd tha' bohgs are so-culled "carbon sinks." Wha' they doo is tha' thehy sihmply consyumm mohre cahrrrbon deyohxeyd than thehy prodyuss, thehrebey lohwering the amewnt of greenhews gahsses in the a'mosphirr. Sihmply put: bogbains arre bad (which is not ull that supreysing, as the larrgest cause of bohg destruhction is hyumankeynd). As a seyd nohte, the word bogbain is not t'be confyused with the word bogbrain, a queyt offehnsiv insult if y'r nahme happns to be Peter.

Fragment C:

Soh onwards from the inver did that Li'le Mahry goh.
She pick'd a clova on the wayy (it's strahnge, but i'was soh).
"Wherr are ya goin' li'le lass?" A strayngr as'd her nigh.
"Ey'm goin' off t'a driry bog," She tiftily repleyed.

Her intehntions therrr werre truly bad,
Rosehearty she was not.
She was a bogbain (yes, it's sad),
Spolit bogs with ohgre snot.

Queyte clohse to therre she lick'd a methlick,
"Ooh it taysts leyke candy floss!"
She lick'd it to the vehry stick,
And slipped on a peyle of denmoss.

I' was in frunt of a badger's hohle,
Built bey the badger king himsehlf,
And Mary flew in, mayde a roll,
And bang'd her hid on a shehlf.

She blehd out and deyd, but do not creye!
Roseworthy she was not.
As what they say is: "eyye f'r eyye,"
She was a mohnster with ohgre snot. 

Yes that wee Mahry, Oh queyte contrary,
Was not a good evil plan hatcher,
And soh the mohral to this poem is:
Death to Margret Thatcha!
... Oh wayt...
 
 

      

Roseworthy

Roseworthy: adjective. Sumthin' tha' is werth a rohse. With prevyuss preyces of rohses in the very dihstant past, to cull sumwun roseworthy was rilly a cohmpliment, whereas now, with the devaluahtion of rohses, culling sumwun roseworthy ohnly makes thehm werth sumthin a wee mohre than a rat's beheynd.     

Rosehearty

Rosehearty: adjective. An objehct, anim'l, concehpt or pehrs'n that has eyther or bohth of the following quahli'ies:
1. A hart queyte li'erally maed of rohses.
2. A luving personali'y.
As wun may queyte cynically (bu' nehverthehss truthfully) conclud, the ferst dehfinition is bey far more frequently yused than the sehcn'd.   

Clova

Clova: noun. A twu livved clohverr. Yusually, clovas come intu being thru the lohss of one liff of a three livved clohverr. Somteyms, howehver, clovas arre the result of a four livved clohverr losing twu livves. At this, some styupid mathmatihcians would, thereforr, conclud that bey spli'ing a four livved clohverr in half, one wuld geht two clovas. This is obviously not tru thoh, as that wuld involve the spli'ing of a clover's stehm, which wuld mohst leykely result in its deahth. Occahsionally, clovas appir as a result of genehtic myutahtions, althoh this accewnts forr ohnly aboot 0.1 per cehnt of all clovas.     

Denmoss

Denmoss: noun. Moss that groews in dehns. Dill with it.

Tifty

Tifty: adjective. The quahli'y of being soh thrifty up to the poynt that one starts yusing leh'ers excehssively frugally. Sum actually boahst of tiftiness as a seygn of mehrit, bu' dohn't beliv thehm: it stahrts with a leh'er, continyus with another and after twehnty yrs of a slohwly detirriorayting marriage, y'r significant otherrr won't say a singl word to yu in four weeks.     

Methlick

Methlick: noun. A lickeable stick of metamphehtamine. Methlicks arre knohn to sum becauhse of the metamphehtamine creysis of the neyntin ehties, whehn it was fewnd out that in order to heyd their illegal loot, drug dealers disgueyesed theihr drugs as salt licks, lidding to a dramatic incriss in the numbers of prancing sheep, dazing lambs and funnily taysting mutton.

Broomfield

Broomfield: noun. Bewahre and hid this mehssage fast, as the authohri'ies may sun ban this pohst! Brooms arren't maed! It is ahll a governmehntal liey! In fact, they grow on broomfields and the gohvernment marks them up tehrribly befohre sehlling thehm tw'us. If y'ev'r tuk the teyme to saw off a part of y'r broom and stihck it in the grewnd, yu'd feynd that it will begihn grohwin' into a broomtree that will give yu ohffspring aboot tweyce a yirr. Hurry and trey it out!  

Fragment B:

The inver, thehrfore, Mahry left,
(without seeing the aquahorthies),
She was aboot to do a theft,
Which she lehrnt frum a wartled man's cohrses.

She wan'ed to steal a baldyquash,
She nohtic'd leying nearbey,
She wanted to, but shewted "Gosh!
There's a culsalmond abuve mey theigh!"

And soh she killied it huntly when,
She suddenly reahleysed:
"This mur'dr maehks me a bainshole then!
A filling that maehks me paraleysed"

So is there a mohral this fragment dos yield?
Perhaps, Ey do think thehr is wun:
Rather than steal, invehst in a broomfield,
Which satisfeys ehvrywun. 

Aquahorthies

Aquahorthies: plural noun. Wee hohrses that live in the wa'errr and haev tehrrible lisps. The reyson whey they arre wri'en in theyr plurl fohrm is that they are vehry sehldom sin as individyuals. In fact, sohme consihder aquahorthies t'be one geyant cehntrally controlld ohrganism.

Baldyquash

Baldyquash: verb. To baldyquash is to saprehss hairless pipple and othr ohrganisms that d'noht haev hairr. This word is noht t'be confyused with baldysquash, a pohpular Aberdohnian drink mahde by bald men out of squash plants, or altehrnatively, a drink mahde of squahshed hairless Aberdohnians. Back to the orihginal word thoh: it is shocking t'see the amount of baldyquashing that happens newadays. Ey've nohtissd a darrn number'o plonkers whu go around laffin' at hairless peruvians (Ey mean the dohg brid, not bahld Peruvians, tho Ey'm shurr that pipple discrihminate agaihnst them tu).  

Bainshole

Bainshole: noun. The word bainshole, altehrn'tivly spehlt baneshole, is the doom of sumthin that indyusses doom. For exahmple, a kneyfe stabbed into the back of a Rangers fan is culled a bainshole, as it is the doom  of a doom-fill'd pehrsn. The word is to be rehd as "bains-hole" and not as "bain-shole," as the lahtter pronunciahtion culd be confyused with the word bainshoal, the doom of a grup of fish, pohssibly bey a grup of dohlphins. Neythr is the word to be confyused with the word brainshole, as that is an aynchunt pit for stohring unyused braihns, which arre queyte ohf'n fewnd leying around Ehdinbra.

Culsalmond

Culsalmond: noun. Bohth of the dehfinitions of the word culsalmond arre queyte naughty, soh pliys luk awayy, if yurre easily offehnded.
1. A salmon in sumwun's rear end. Dohn't ask how it goht therre - they wohn't wish to ahnswer ahnywy.
2. A bactirria of the genus salmonella passing thru y'r rear end.
This noun is noht t'be confyused with the verb culsalmoned, which is the past tense of the nouns listed abohve being indyuced upon sumwun. 

Killiehuntly

Killiehuntly: verb-adverb. The yuss of the word killiehuntly is far mohre cohmplicayted than its actual dehfinition, which is: To kill bey hunting. As the word is a verb-adverb, it has to be sehparated when it ihsn't in its infihnitive fohrm. An exahmple of it is the fohllowin': "Ey killied this zebra huntly." Fyuw pipple knoh, that the song Killing me Softly was orihgin'lly culled Killieng me Huntly, as mard'rr bey hunting is far easier than mard'rr yusing sohft ohbjeycts leyke gummy bears and sponges.  

Wartle

Wartle: noun or a verb. The word wartle has two diff'rent minnings that arre wrih'en belohw:
1. As a noun, the word referrs t'a wee war' or what some would cull a baybe war'.
2. As a verb, the word referrs to the ahction of veylently sehtling dispyuts with turtles.
It is a myhst'ry how the town of Wartle go'its name, bu' consihdering the lack of turtles in Scohtl'nd and the abundance of wahrts, Ey meyself am of the opinyun that the ferst dehfinition has sumthin' to do with it.  

Haggs

Haggs: noun. A haggs is a straynge crohss betwinn a hag and a haggis. How it comes to be no one rilly knohs, but the feynal prohduct is queyte freytning: A geyant ewld wuhman kehpt together bey a sheep stohmach fil'd on the inseyd with sohmthin' leyke minc'd mitt. This criturrre haunts many Scotschildren's neyghtmahres.          

Fragment A:

Ey've deceyded that the prehvious stohry was way too bohring and unrealihstic, which is whey Ey am coming up wif a nyuw stohry leyne that I shall distihnguish frum the prehvious wun bey lehttering it rather than numb'ring it. Hir goehs:

Mahry had a wee lamb,
It's body leyne was as fat as a tram.
And evrywherrr that Mahry went,
Even in playces where munny she spehnt,
Pipple wuld cull h'r lamb a balgedie,
Wifout a gud balmoral,
Which was queyte a tragedy,
Consid'ring Mahry's gud mohrals.

So one day Mahry visited,
An inver ohn the coahst,
Much compassiun she had not elicited,
The lamb was shurre to be toahst.

She threw it in the wa'a therrre,
Lohcked up in sehvr'l bags,
She lehft it so it culd be shehrd,
Bey the spirits of the inver's haggs.    

 

Balgedie

Balgedie: noun. A beli'led trahgedy concehrning spherical objeycts, such as balls and the leyke. A trahgedy concehrning balls tha' is no' beli'led is simply culled a balgedy. One can beli'le i' bey either mayking the ball phyhsically smahller or bey making fun of the trahgedy i' was concehrned in. An example of the word balgedie yusd in a seh'nce is: "Sue had a ball. The ball fell under a car and pohpped. 'Haha!' Laffed Jack, tarning the situation into a balgedie with his cruel mohckery of Sue's predihcament.          

Balmoral

Balmoral: noun. The word Balmoral has two vehry dihfrent minnings:
1. An ohral balm - a crimm that y' haev to smir on y'r mewth.
2. The mohral of a bahll - A hihdden didactic mehssage in a sphearical objeyct.
PS: It is pohssible to haev an ohbjeyct that fulfills both of thees critehrians.

Inver

Inver: noun. As this is mey fihrst blog pohst, leht me introdyuss a vehry pehrsonal tohpic to me: the Scoh'ish deyalehct. Ey will dehdicate mey teyme ohn this blog to prohpagate the Scoh'ish cause and show the werld the increhdible richniss of ewr lehnguegue. To begihn wif, Ey shall introdyuss the weydely used but not understud word inver, which is dereyved frum the Gaelic word "inbhir," meaning sumthin' leyk "ehstuary." The word inver, is, therefore, the Scoh'ish attehmt to maek those styupit nuts in England understand what we rilly mean whehn we say Inverness, Invergloy or Inverglen.    

Notice to Readers

We would like to take this opportunity to announce a very important occasion concerning this blog to our readers: A deposed Namibian king has recently sent us an email offering us twenty million dollars in return for flying to his secret hideout in the Namib desert where we shall be employed as story tellers for his sons, daughters and Pepe, his pet chihuahua. Obviously, we could not let such a situation pass us by and, since we presume there will be no internet connection where we are going (the King's email was, presumably, delivered by a carrier pigeon - or a pigeon carrier? - to a transcript factory in the outskirts of Windhoek),   we can no longer write new words on this blog. For this reason, we have hired a Scotsman (I believe his name happens to be Peter, but it might just as well be Pe'a, because of his weird pronunciation) to write the words for us. Do not worry... we have plenty money to keep doing so for the next few hundred years.

Antiantiantism

Antiantiantism: noun. Discrimination of and prejudice against aged or somehow outdated ants. Not to be confused with anti-antiantism, the movement set up in reaction to an elderly ant rights protest, the so called Antiantist Renaissance. The matter becomes even more complicated when confronted with aantiantianism, the neutral stance towards the discrimination of elderly ants, and aantiantism, the neutral stance towards aged ants in general. The most confusing part of this, however, is the fact that antiantism and antiantism, both spelled the same way, are two completely different things. While the former denotes adherence to or support of elderly ants, the latter denotes complete aversion towards all ants. From this, it can logically be deduced that although the word antiantiantism most popularly denotes the discrimination of elderly ants, it could also denote an antiquated form of ant discrimination or even ant discrimination against the elderly.  

Cougherrupter

Cougherrupter: noun. A cougherrupter is the most lowly, disgusting and infuriating type of human (if something that repulsive truly can be called human) on this planet. What a cougherrupter does is so despicable that we advise our more sensitive readers not to read beyond this point: A cougherrupter is someone who interrupts plays, operas and other performances with persistent coughing. The horror! Do these people think other pay to hear them dying of cancer, tuberculosis or whatever? And especially during the more quiet parts! We encourage you, when you happen to have the chance, to clobber any cougherrupter to death. It is legal in several American states, so just invent a ploy to get them there and carry it out quickly. Just please don't do so in the theatre (although who knows? You might get a big cheer and maybe even a medal of honour).   

Schizofernia

Schizofernia: noun. The constant feeling of paranoia stemming from the belief that all ferns are out to get you. Schizoferniacs often suffer from auditory illusions resembling the rustling of leaves and olfactory illusions resembling the fresh smell of a temperate forest in the morning. According to professors Wesley and Snipes of Dover University, Schizofernia often ends after a patient's death, though in one case out of ten, the patient still continues to complain of giant evil ferns pursuing them into the afterlife.  

Boredome

Boredome: noun. This is a word, which is considered to be so very interesting, simply because of its many semi-related meanings. Some of the meanings are as follows:
1. A dome within which everyone is bored. This is not necessarily because of the contents of the dome or the structure of the dome, but simply because it is an obligation or requirement that the occupant or inhabitant of a boredome be bored.
2. A dome which is made entirely out of robes constructed by illiterate dyslexics. There is only one case of such a boredome existing on record and it collapsed soon after in an incident involving a wolf.
3. A dome, which has been bored through entirely by some type of borer, whether that be animal or machine. For example a dome in Southern Germany was bored through by several large machines and then covered in yellow paint to become the world's largest half-sphere of Eidam cheese. The citizens of Munich are proud of their achievement to this day.

Fragment 21:

Having received his haircut, Herb felt he was ready to deal with the "situation" in his lab, which had been caused by the stickly Victimator. He returned to the time machine he had been inhabiting for the past few weeks and stepped forward in time just so that he would appear in the lab the moment after he had left earlier that day. During time travel the time machine had a tendency to play music with incomprehensible lyrics and so Herb spent the entire time flyricking. Herb arrived safely in the future...or the past...ermmm...anyways, he arrived safely and realised that his position in the time machine would be wholly undefendable and so he relocated. Herb stationed himself between his experiment attempting to produce a taurate and a machine meant to synthesise lichee. From here Herb felt he would be able to deal with the Victimator once he arrived.

Milligrubs

Milligrubs: noun. A large amount of little snacks which have at least 10 feet. Generally this word is used by entomophagous animals to refer to their afternoon snacks or supper. For a time the word was banned in Australia so that it wouldn't get confused with a popular children's TV show, although to be perfectly honest I've forgotten the name of that, oh well.

Mournithology

Mournithology: noun. The scientific study of birds with lugubrious names such as the crying bird, widowbird or mourning dove. Anticipating the immediate question many readers will have: no, being an expert Marvel fan and loving the character Deathbird does not make you a mournithologist. If anything, it just makes your life very, very sad.

Mammothsept

Mammothsept: noun. A clan of Mammoths. Mammothsepts were tightly knit communities during the Ice Age and the predominant form of social interaction in the Animal Kingdom at the time. They were well known for having Ice Hockey matches between mammothsepts as well as holding incredible feasts, which were in the end always ruined by the Saber-tooths who always poked someone with their obnoxiously large teeth and started a brawl.

Athiest

Athiest: adjective. The quality of being the proudest and most characteristic inhabitant of the Irish town Athy. As of the year 2014, the Athiest person on Earth is the deceased Ernest Shackleton. After all, it is quite difficult to be proud of being an Irishman. 

Malemaroking

Malemaroking: noun. Perhaps one of the most fascinating words in the English language Mallemaroking has this word as a close relative. The much more interesting word mallemaroking refers to the carousing of seamen on board Greenlandic whaling ships. On the other hand the significantly more boring word malemaroking refers to the man crowned King of Marrakesh at the annual Marrakesh disco.

Tableoid

Tableoid: adjective. Something that resembles the table. Yes, you are wondering which table that is. Well wouldn't you like to know. Looks you'll just have to look through the whole world and return home after one thousand years still not knowing which of the tables you saw there was the one that the word tableoid is based on. Either that or you can just forget it. We recommend the former.