Papear

Papear: noun. An easily combustible, green, biotic material used for inscribing things in green pens. This pea product is essential for the functioning of secret services in countries such as Saudi Arabia and Mauritania, where green papers (being regarded as unfinished flags) do not arouse any suspicion and can well be used for sending secret messages.

Peariod

Peariod: noun. A length of time (usually between the end of winter and early summer) during which a pea plant begins and ends its life cycle. Contrary to popular belief, a pea does not "have an issue" monthly during its peariod and does not, therefore, have to be locked up for seven days and proclaimed unclean. 

Peadophile

Peadophile: noun. A person with a strange attraction to young peas. More often than not, this attraction will be strictly culinary (or at least "that's what they all say") but there are cases of people admitting to having wished at some point in life to take their young peas to "the next base." Thankfully for legislators around the world, peadophiles tend to squish their young peas when attempting to propose to them, which saves quite a couple of pages on wedding laws.

Hippea

Hippea: noun. A hippea is a pea adhering to a counter-cultural movement rejecting the mainstream values of Western society. Hippeas will jump out of pea soups, fight for their brothers and sisters of different pod skins and smoke one's marijuana to no end. Which reminds me: where did I put the pink fluffy dragon that almost killed the neighbour's unicorn?

Chickenpea

Chickenpea: noun. A pea used for chicken-fodder.Yes, this is how low this blog has sunk. In fact, anyone reading this blog must not only come to the conclusion that the authors are insane, but that anyone reading the blog regularly must be insane as well. We would, therefore, be very much obliged if you could donate to our foundation "Insane Bloggers in Need" to help us overcome our absinth, marijuana, cocaine and Baltic tea problems. 

Chicpea

Chicpea: noun. A pea with a smart, casual and understated fashion sense that some would describe as trendy or even trendsetting. First cultivated some eight thousand years ago, chicpeas have developed an impressive variety of styles from gangpea (cool and chilled) and sporpea (active and optimistic) to pemo (depressed and masochistic) and peath (depressed and bloodthirsty).

Sahoarder

Sahoarder: noun. Someone who selfishly hoards the Sahara desert for reasons not entirely understood by the Western scientific community. The word Sahoarder became popular in the world of journalism after Mohammed VI of Morocco proclaimed the following memorable line on the Moroccan occupation of Western Sahara: "We shall not give up one inch of our beloved Sahara, not a grain of its sand." This rather cliche quotation earned the king the title of the number one Sahoarder in the modern world.

Merloin

Merloin: noun. While many people are of the opinion that merloin is simply a misspelling of the word merlion (a mythological creature which has gained substantial popularity in Singapore), a merloin is actually a body part of merpeople and sea cows. In merpeople (at least according to Walt Disney), the merloin is the lowest part of the body with recognisably human characteristics. In sea cows, the merloin is said to be the most delicious part of the animal. This is a hoax. Sea cow meat is incredibly disgusting, which is why angry sailors drove Steller's sea cows extinct in the belief that such unholy excuse for food should not roam the seas. A similar fate met the dodo bird.  

Pimpess

Pimpess: noun. A pimpess (sometimes also called a pimpette) is a woman that provides her customers with prostitutes. Contrary to one popular misconception, a pimpess is not the same thing as a 'madam,' as pimpesses are generally regarded to be more masculine and more obsessed with golden chains. Contrary to another popular misconception, pimpesses do not just provide females with access to male prostitutes - they do transgender too.  

Flankre

Flankre: verb. To flankre (or flanker in US English) is to feign a blankre - a blank stare - in order to either avoid conversation or to get a look at something one should not be looking at, all the while appearing to be deep in thought about something else. The word flankre can be used in sentences such as "I sat in my car flankering at the dead body on my windshield, hoping that the policeman would not come over to make conversation" or "the woman flankered at her boss' flawless abs and slobbered a little."

Blankre

Blankre: noun. A long expressionless gaze in one direction caused by absent-mindedness, often also called a blank stare. Blankres (or Blankers as they are called in America for God knows what reason) are an oddly frequent occurrence especially among children, married couples, unmarried couples, people in contact with idiots, senile people and the dead. Often, blankres are associated with having no clue what is going on, which is quite frequent among the aforementioned people, particularly the dead.  

Powlured

Powlured: Adjective. For a word to have a new plural for every power of 2 that defines the quantity of the word. For example: 1 spouse, 2 spise, 4 spises, etc. This was originally used as a military tactic to quickly communicate the size of enemy forces; an example of how this is used to communicate size: instead of saying that there are 13 boxes; one would say that there are boxeses, boxes and a boc.

Promoice

Promoice: verb. Supporting the right of a person or animal to make a choice in a matter concerning them. Many promoicers will support a convict's right (or promoice a convict) to choose between a death sentence and a life sentence. Staunch promoicers, however, will break into barns asking chicken if they want to be set free.

Prolactactive

Prolactactive: adjective. Controlling a situation with the cunning use of lactation. The word prolactactive can be used in sentences such as the following: "The prolactactive mother was able to settle the uncomfortable situation involving annoyed plane passangers and a crying infant by stuffing her breast into the child's face." 

Clothesbury

Clothesbury: verb. A religious practice involving the day to day burial of clothes for exhumation the next time they are needed. Clothesburying continues to be very popular among cultures in which people who are hanged, and consequently clothes that are hung, are a reprehensible insult to the earth. Whereas in the modern world, people use clothes hangers to hang their clothes, people espousing clothesburial use special clothesburiers - special sealed containers that can survive in the ground for hundreds of years.  

Crispianity

Crispianity: noun. A religion worshipping the wonderfully soft crunchiness of crisps. According to crispianity, all idolatry concerning this heavenly meal is welcome, as it reportedly encourages greater love for the almighty crispessence, a holy force in all humans which (when sufficiently nurtured) enables them to become one with the almighty crunchiness.  

Jugnaut

Jugnaut: noun. An unstoppable force with a jug on its head. Most jugnauts come into being after people attempt to stop juggernauts by restricting their vision with containers. However, jugnauts soon turned out to be far more dangerous than juggernauts, as they had even less foresight than the latter and would run around in wild fury. Luckily, they soon died of starvation due to their inability to remove the aforementioned jugs from their heads, instead attempting to force food through different orifices.

Horrorosous

Horrorosous: adjective. The word horrorosous is one of the first words with which Spanish enriched the English language. The adjective, coined by Spaniards and Latin Americans struggling with learning English, at first denoted the state of something being horrible or horrifying. However, as time went on and the word was assimilated into English, it gained the meaning of "something so horrible or horrifying that it might as well have originated from a horror film."

Bunburied

Bunburied: adjective. One of these two mutually non-exclusive events:
1. The state of a bun under the surface of the earth.
2. The state of temporarily being rid of one's responsibilities through the invention of a dreadful invalid.

Leggy

Leggy: noun. An organised military force with a specialisation in kicking and firing arms using their legs. Leggies are most commonly used by countries where animal warfare plays an important role in foreign conflicts and in countries with high amounts of radiation. It is a common misconception that leggies fight using other people's legs. Such warfare would be very unhygienic and morally questionable, especially if the legs are still connected to their owners.

Mobileisation

Mobileisation: noun. One of the ultimate signs of the end of the world: the mobilisation of mobile phones into Satan's army to fight against their righteous owners (or alongside their rebellious ones) in an epic battle. Mobileisation was a relatively late addition to the unofficial Prince Philip Bible and is still rejected by the majority of the Christian world with the exception of the Anglican denomination which has stated that "the belief in mobileisation is an individual decision among our adherents."

Stabbilisation

Stabbilisation: noun. The act of making someone or something less prone to overturn by stabbing it (often from different sides). The word stabbilisation originates from the defence of Brutus and other Roman senators after their collective murder of Julius Caesar, saying that they were merely trying to prevent Caesar from bleeding too much in one way or the other so as to achieve his standing upright. The defence of the first senator who stabbed Caesar is unknown.

Incensitiveness

Incensitiveness: noun. A state of detachment from worldly pains and pleasures due to excessive oral consumption of incense. People temporarily in the state of incensitiveness are called incensitive. People in a state of permanent incensitiveness are most probably dead.

Wrungle

Wrungle: verb. To wring something so forcibly that it turns into a figurative jungle. The word wrungle is most commonly associated with compulsive hand-wringing, a neurotic dysfuntion causing people to tangle their fingers together in such a manner that it often becomes necessary to surgically remove them. That is, the people from the hands, not the hands from the people. After all, the fingers do not deserve to be punished for their owner´s idiocy. 

Uranation

Uranation: noun. The word uranation has two quite commonly confused meanings:
1. The act of transforming something into uranium.
2. The act of turning someone (such as Abraham, Isaac or Jacob) into a nation, uranation being derived from the words "you´re a nation" which sounds an awful lot like some sort of strange spoof phone call you get at twelve o´clock in the evening: "We haaaave a winner! Congratulations, Isaac from the Land of Canaan, God has just confirmed uranation!!!"  

Critterion

Critterion: noun. An official requirement in the annually revised Guidelines for Critter Categorisation - a document used to distinguish critters from non-critters - ensuring that non-critters do not creep into the Critter International Association. The critterions are as follows:
1. Must be living.
2. Must do things that a critter usually does as defined by the newest copy of the Collins dictionary. 

BiYOLOgy

BiYOLOgy: noun. The science dealing with the living of two lives according to the rule "you only live once." While the connection would seem paradoxical at first glance, most modern philosophers acknowledge that certain specific cases do make biYOLOgy relevant to the real world. This attention from the great minds of the philosophical world also happened to lead to the inadvertent creation of the word biYOLOlogy: the study of the science dealing with the living of two lives according to the rule of YOLO.

The cases in which biYOLOgy is relevant to the real world are the following:
1. When a person leads two parallel lives.
2. When Hindus are right... but wrong.
Clearly the second case is the far more frequent one.   

Bullymea

Bullymea: noun. A medical condition manifesting itself in overt willingness and even strong desire to be bullied by someone, hence the words "bully me" being contained in this highly scientific term. While modern psychologists are quite agreed that the main causes of bullymea include masochism and conformity, psychologists such as Sigmund Freud were of the opinion that "penis phallic object ****ing penis and much more penis is penis squared."

Brabanter

Brabanter: noun. The exchange of playful and friendly remarks with the senator Brabantio from Shakespeare's play Othello. Other than that, there is very little to say about this word as it does not seem to describe a realistic scenario - Brabantio is in a bad mood from the beginning to the end of the only act he appears in. 

Airid

Airid: adjective. Regions labelled as airid have very large areas of open space. It is no coincidence that most regions considered airid will also be arid. In fact, the popularity of the latter word in characterising practically the same area has led to the de facto extinction of the word airid in the English language.

Malariarea

Malariarea: noun. An area with a limited or higher risk of malaria transmission. The vast majority of malariareas (collectively known as the Malariamegarea) is within the tropics of Cancer and Capricorn with relatively few incursions northwards or southwards. However, it would not be correct to view the entirety of the area enclosed within the tropics as a malariarea. In fact, the geographic term Malariamegarea takes into account countries within the tropics which have successfully combatted malaria and altitudes (such as the high slopes of Mount Kilimanjaro) at which the risk of contracting malaria is as high as the risk of contracting it in Switzerland.  

Nominative misdeterminism

Nominative misdeterminism: noun. The theory that to avoid the significance of one's name a person chooses a profession which is as far away from the role of his name as possible. Examples of this include a Mr. Baker working in McDonalds' or a Mr. Tailor working as a life guard. The theory has been proposed and supported through studies by researchers at the University of Montana, namely Dr. Hunt, Prof. Spear and Mr. Slaughter.

Transgrass

Transgrass: noun. This refers to the grass in parks, which no one is allowed to step on, despite it being a public space meant for relaxation and the wooden benches aren't really the most comfortable are they? This does not apply to grass one is not allowed to step on in botanical gardens or some such, because there it's understandable. Of course it is a transgression to step on transgrass, one that is punishable by chareing.

Adsorp

Adsorp: verb. To cover one's surface or the surface of an object in a thin layer of honey, so as to attract bees or bears, either will do. This action was perfected in medieval times as a reward for particularly excellent service to the king, usually involving treason or attempted murder. It proved to be economically unfeasible due to the price of honey and so the practice was abandoned by the time of feudalism.

Funtire

Funtire: noun. This word of course first emerged from a misspelling of the word 'furniture' but has since then come to mean various things.
1. The attraction in a playground, which resembles a swing but is much less effective or fun. It's cumbersome and difficult to swing properly and yet bafflingly remains popular in modern playground, despite the elements of 'play'.
2. A joke tire created by the company Dunlop, which when inflated to a certain point would cause the car to feel as if it were on water and driving through waves, rather than on a flat road. The tire was created to cater to people who were bored of regular driving and also seamen, who had unfortunately found themselves ashore.

Libromania

Libromania: noun. The utilisation of books in every piece of furniture in one's home. This is of course caused by an excess of books in one's home and the necessity to 'do something with'em'. There is a surprisingly large number of ways in which one can incorporate books into one's furniture, if one is sufficiently creative. It has also been discovered through libromania that even with the best protection money can buy, books are not water-resistant.

Chare

Chare: verb. To burn slightly or scorch with a candle. Linguists and etymologists have long debated about the origins of the specifications within the word. The current and most prevalent theory is that it originated with the first victim of chareing. It is thought that the man was retelling a rather dull story of a someone being slightly burned or scorched and a particularly bored member of the audience decided to conduct an experiment of his own. Thus the storyteller finished his tale with: "And so the man was chareeeeee..."

Apeary

Apeary: noun. A storage for the apehives of jungle apes. As is commonly known apes like to spend a portion of every year relaxing without having to fear for their lives or gather food. Thus they have very conveniently created a hierarchical system, in which apes work together to create resting apearies for some apes before then rotating, so that by the end of the year each ape has had an opportunity to rest. This complex system created by nature and evolution rivals in quality many of the so-called resorts of the so-called humans in their so-called civilised world.

Meercurial

Meercurial: adjective. Describing a person who is subject to sudden and unpredictable changes of mood or mind, whilst in the Netherlands or its vicinity. The word has been used repeatedly to describe the royal family of the Netherlands, but most definitely does not refer to any form of a debilitative genetic disease, which may have been caused by certain persuasions of royal families.

Veinus

Veinus: noun. In Middle South Asian mythology it is believed that humans emerged from a particularly rich vein in a rock deep underground and then spent the next billion years crawling out, only to emerge and realise they would much rather be back underground. This vein of unusually fertile rock is referred to as veinus [pronounced vein-us]. Nobody knows where the veinus is or the tunnel that the primordial humans emerged from. There is every possibility that the veinus is still spewing forth humans and one day the ground shall erupt with millions of mole-like humans, who have survived on dirt for millennia.

Eartgh

Eartgh: ejaculation. An expression of absolute disgust over a soup. The use of this word has only ever been recorded by authors and journalists as being associated with a particularly unpleasant soup and so in an act of great forwardness, authors of dictionaries adapted the word, so that it could only be used in association with soup. Their reasoning behind this is a matter of speculation.

Marsz

Marsz: interjection. This word is the proper spelling of the often misspelled army command "March!". In fact the word should be pronounced more along the lines of 'marsh' and refers not to walking orderly forwards, but to the holding of the upper body in a constant position without being affected by outer forces to sway one's body. That is why a soldier may be walking perfectly well, but will still be expelled from the army, because he was slouching.

Jupitier

Jupitier: noun. A person (usually a man) who pities the actions of women named June. The reason jupitiers are usually men is due to the natural antagonism between women named June and all other members of the female gender. This is also one of the reasons that a jupitier may exist. Why exactly jupitiers believe that Junes need our sympathies is as of yet unclear, although some historians believe that by analysing the past it is clear that the world will be destroyed by a woman named June and it won't be her fault...probably.

Satturn

Satturn: noun. The process a Sat-Nav (GPS, Navigation system, whatever you wanna call it) has to recalibrate and change the route after the driver has taken initiative and changed the route himself, despite very specific and clear instructions on the part of the Sat-Nav. To try and reduce the number of occurrences of satturns (as it causes pain to the grave of Eleanor Roosevelt), the UCSNS (Union of Conglomerated Satellite Navigation Systems) has made it so, that every time a satturn occurs a penguin dies somewhere in the world.

Uranius

Uranius: noun. The top secret term used by the US government and its intelligence agencies for the top secret US supply of fissile uranium, which is only to be used in the utmost emergencies. There are  3 people in the world, who all have to use their top secret keys in the top secret base at the top secret same time to allow the top secret warheads to utilise the top secret uranium. These keys are held by the President of the Senate, President pro tempore of the Senate and Dan Quayle. What happens when Dan Quayle dies or when a President pro tempore of the Senate isn't currently in office nobody knows, because it's top secret.

Neptuneocracy

Neptuneocracy: noun. This word literally translates from the Greek as "government by fish" (well...maybe not literally). This form of government was particularly popular in Ancient Greece and was maintained on the island of Crete until 1894, when King Torpedo Torpedo XXXVIII was deposed in a revolution led by a congregation of Small Lanternfish, who then all collectively died when their ego was damaged. The neptuneocracy of Ancient Athens also explains their loss against the simple-minded brutes of Sparta.

Humging

Humging: noun. [Pronounced the same as 'humming'] This word refers to the act of someone attempting to sing along to a song without knowing the words properly and so simply mouthing along and guessing what may or may not come next. A person caught in the act of humging very soon afterwards experiences regorse towards his own person, which is quite understandable.

Regorse

Regorse: noun. The feeling one has after they have committed something they initially saw as funny or amusing, but then realised it actually hurt the victim and feel bad about it. Some people may misappropriate this as guilt, but that would be incorrect. Guilt involves compromising some sort of moral standard. With regorse no such code of conduct has been breeched, but the perpetrator still feels bad, despite not doing anything against his moral standards. Some people may see this as simply accidents, but they're just d**** (censorship provided by the ICCBSS).

Teaing

Teaing: noun. The act of preparing a tea bag on a spoon, along with sugar on a shelf and the tea cup in the right place (milk is optional), so that  one can prepare a cup of tea in one fell swoop. It requires a certain level of mastery to be skilled at teaing, there are masters around the world, who claim to be able to teach the techniques necessary. However; it is commonly accepted that only months of meditation and introspection can lead to becoming successful at teaing. 

Axcuse

Axcuse: noun. An attempt to lessen the blame attaching to chopping someone up with an axe. Examples of axcuses in the past have included: "Well I had an axe and I had to do something with it, didn't I?" and "I'd just sharpened it and wanted him to see how sharp it was!" There is a case in the legal annals of Denmark, where a man was acquitted of all his crimes because, "his axcuse was freaking amazeballs!" (translated from the Danish).

Ducktaper

Ducktaper: noun. The end of a duck that diminishes or reduces in size towards one end. It is hotly contested by the ornithological community as to which end of the/a duck this actually is and whether an archetypal duck should be selected, which would be the standard for all other ducks. The Faroe Islands have offered Malcolm the Duck to fill this position and although he is supported by the majority of the Duck senate, the ambassador of Sealand has repeatedly used his veto power to prevent his ascension.

Yyeti

Yyeti: noun. The abominable snowman of South America. Unlike the abominable snowman of other regions of the world, the yyeti has been observed in nature and is a confirmed natural phenomenon on the slopes of the Andes in Chile and Argentina and sometimes Bolivia. However; there is a theory that the yyeti dislike Bolivia, because in the past the Bolivians hunted the yyeti for their fine, warm furs and for their delicious, delicious blubber.

Inthrall

Inthrall: verb. To place into slavery or servitude while being in Scandinavia. This word has often been confused with the word 'enthrall', but quite understandably this is not a switch that wants to make. The word was particularly popular in discussing the history of early Britain, due to the frequent cases of inthralling conducted by Vikings at the time. One may say, "But hold on, Britain ain't Scandinavia!" Of course one would be right in our current time, however at that point in history, there were so many vikings and so few free non-vikings that Britain is a technicality of Scandinavia at that point in history.

Empathitary

Empathitary: adjective. This word is only used in association with the gland that can be found under the basal ganglia and next to the hippocampus. The gland secretes the neurotransmitter and hormone, which is responsible for empathy, sympathy and homeopathy in people. A study conducted by Miller in 1996 showed that certain parts of the population have a smaller empathitary gland than is average in humans; this included Republican senators, bus drivers and journalists.

Socialitis

Socialitis: noun. A pathological need to disconnect from society due to an enlarged empathitary gland, which has been inflamed due to an excess of information about other people's lives, that it shouldn't care about, being presented to it. Symptoms include being called a 'recluse' and a fascination with hermit crabs. As of now there are no known medicinal cures and the only known effective treatment is to spend 37 days living with llamas in the steppes of Patagonia.

Graphingism

Graphingism: noun. The belief that Graph Theory is the best thing in the universe bar none. This belief is upheld and has been upheld by a secret order of discrete mathematicians, who are entirely true to their name. It is said that the symbol of the organisation is a graph with an odd number of odd degree vertices and only those who discover this graph are permitted to join the organisation. Albert Einstein worked very hard to discover the way into the organisation but ultimately failed, which discrete mathematicians have gloated about for years.

Extreordinary

Extreordinary: adjective. Describing something which is entirely usual or regular and has absolutely no interesting repercussions. Rather boringly life is mostly composed of extreordinary moments, which in no way enrich one's life. The philosopher Hume once suggested that life is only enjoyable if a person finds a way to laugh at how pathetic everyone else's extreordinary moments are.

Serendipitious

Serendipitious: adjective. Describing something which occurred or happened by chance and is worth pitying. This may include such unfortunate things as a family with no money discovering a litter of kittens on their door step for them to take care of, or more frivolous things such as seeing someone find a rather large cockroach in their soup and then burning their hand on a hot plate as they retract in shock and bump into a waiter carrying a hot plate by their chair at that very moment.

Candlid

Candlid: adjective. Describing someone who is truthful and honest, while also having a short fuse. Perhaps the most famous example of a candlid person was the famous author Ernest Hemingway. Hemingway was well known for ubiquitously speaking his mind (which led to some rather unpleasant bar fights), but was also extremely short-tempered and easily set-off (which also led to some rather unpleasant bar fights).

Eggnite

Eggnite: verb. This word has two very similar and yet very different meanings.

1. To start a fire using an egg and only an egg. There are only two recorded cases in history of this ever happening, but it is such an incredible occurrence, that a word was created anyway.  One case of something being eggnited was during the great protest against democracy in the Holy Roman Empire and there is some debate among scholars as to whether the fire was caused by the eggs or the torches the protesters were carrying.
2. To set an egg on fire. This is fairly regular canonical practice, performed by priests and the like globally on the 8th of May to commemorate geese.

Quizophile

Quizophile: noun. A person addicted to quizzes to such an extent that they devote their entire free time to doing quizzes. People such as this are most easily recognized by a rapid tick in the left eye, being described frequently as being a "sweaty mess" and smelling distinctly of turnips. Quizophiles are found in highest densities around the outskirts of larger metropolises, but never within the centres of the metropolises themselves.

Musclebrain

Musclebrain: noun. A person who is focused entirely on developing their muscles, sometimes also known as someone who is addicted to exercise. The existence of people such as this has increased exponentially in recent years, A study conducted by Johnson et al. in 2009 suggested that this recent increase was due to a decrease in the size of vital organs, leading to an evolutionary adaptation to try and add the extra lost mass by increasing muscle mass.

Swahilly

Swahilly: adjective. An adjective used to summarise the fact that the six tallest mountains in Africa are all in the zone under the cultural influence of the Swahili language. The word can be used in mundane sentences exchanged among travellers, such as:

"Kenya is very Swahilly"
"That's a rather redundant sentence. Saying that Kenya is very Swahilly is like saying that Portugal is very Iberian."
"Well all right, Mr Smarty pants, how would you use the word Swahilly correctly in a sentence?"
"I wouldn't."

Notice that in the above conversation, the only correct use of the word Swahilly occurs in the last sentence.

Saphire

Saphire: noun. The word saphire, pronounced "sap-high-err," means to hire a sap (otherwise called plant fluid). We are quite unsure why one would hire the fluid circulating in the vascular system of a plant, so we conjecture you may have been looking for the word SAPhire, the hiring of any of the following:
1. Seminal Acid Phosphatase, an enzyme produced by the prostate,
2. Self-Avoiding Polygon, a mathematical object of geometry.
3. Shrimp Alkaline Phosphatase, an alkaline phosphatase from a species of arctic shrimp,
4. Strong Anthropic Principle, the idea that the universe must inherently produce life,

Outertwined

Outertwined: adjective. While being intertwined is the state of being twisted with or closely connected to someone or something, being outertwined is the state of being absolutely separate or disconnected from someone or something.

Fragment XXIV

Mr Darcy grew red. "What do you mean to say, Babbage?" He demanded.

"Merely that I, as head of this cruise, absolutely reject going back to earth before doing some major work in furthering the knowledge of humanity."

Mr Darcy was about to say something but was interrupted by Mrs Hurst's arrival from the toilet. Being a lady, she immediately recognised the tension in the air and froze in her footsteps, thinking that the tension was caused by her. She stood a moment, deep in thought, until she finally realised what she might have done wrong and rushed back into the bathroom. The company was too confused by this dramatic event to return to its previous conversation.

Only when Mrs Hurst came back the second time did Mary make some stray observation about the plans of mice and men often going wrong, after which Lydia snorted and Mr Wickham yawned. It was then that Mr Darcy realised that Elizabeth's wish for her family to be on board with her by default included his most hated adversary.

Mr Darcy turned even redder.

Mr Wickham turned white.

Mr Collins turned green and vomitted.

Dragon

Dragon: verb. A contraction of the words "drag on," describing what happens when an activity spreads out over a tediously long period of time. Fun fact: the word "a" is the word with the highest letter "a" saturation in the English language.

Horsiculture

Horsiculture: noun. The science dealing with the cultivation of horses and like creatures to make them suitable for helping in agricultural practices. Contary to popular belief, breeding unicorns suitable for agriculture would technically be possible, as the creature which the Bible calls a unicorn and about which the Bible claims it will not plough fields is, by most accounts, not a horse-like creature and either refers to the extinct aurochs or some type of rhinoceros. If horse-like unicorns, therefore, were discovered somewhere on the face of the earth (we would recommend scientists to begin searching at the bottom of Richard Dawkins' garden), there is no known objection as to why they could not be used for agricultural practices.

Rheese

Rheese: noun. The lingering remnant of a cheesy smell on an object that isn't cheese. Rheese can be detected even hours after the concerned subject is no longer in contact with cheese, which is to the great consternation of cheese aficionados whose brains react with unrestrained drive for cheese gluttony even after a single whiff of rheese.  

Bluender

Bluender: verb. To make a mistake, whether grave or innocuous, due to or affecting something blue. An example fitting both these requirements would be confusing a grape for a blueberry and proceeding to eat the latter on account of this mistake. An example satisfying only the first of these requirements would be confusing a grape for a blueberry and making a decision (unconnected to this blunder, of course) not to eat either. An example satisfying only the latter requirement would be choosing the wrong pathway and stepping on a blueberry on the account of the mistake.  

Phallusy

Phallusy: noun. To commit a phallusy (sometimes also spelt phallacy, phallucy or phallicy) means to mistake something for a penis when it is, in reality, something completely different. Phallusies are relatively common while stargazing, talking to friends, looking at clouds or visiting restaurants. Objects prone to being the subjects of phallucies include bread rolls, sausages, Bibles and artichokes (for visual as well as linguistic reasons). One of the strangest examples of a phallusy is James Lacan's essay on why men have phalli while women are phalli. 

 : noun. When a word is missing in the dictionary.

Jurosickness

Jurosickness: noun. A medical condition whose main symptom is being sick of jurors. Contrary to popular belief, however, there are many other symptoms accompanying this disease, namely higher levels of hormones causing recidivism, oxytocin deficiency, hearing problems and uncontrollable gas. According to recent studies, jurosickness is most common among lawyers, judges and pregnant giraffes and is spread by the exchange of bodily fluids.

Fragment XXIII

"If I may," Said Georgiana, immediately flushing as the attention of the room (obviously with the exception of the fainted Lady Catherine, the drunken Mr Hurst and the defecating Mrs Hurst) turned towards her, "I would... em... I think it would be fitting if we umm... if while we are solving issues concerning bowel movements we could also solve the issue of well... getting back to earth, for a start."

"What a silly idea, child," Said Babbage impetuously, "Ladies and gentlemen, we are the first humans in space! It is our duty as representatives of mankind [note to modern readers: yes, Babbage did indeed say mankind even though the number of females outweighed the number of males in the giant space-box. In the interest of our more gender-sensitive readers, we would advise you to read the word 'mankind' as if it were 'humankind,' as that will forestall obvious misunderstandings concerning this nineteenth century text. Without further ado, therefore, let us let Babbage finish what he was saying] to further our scientific knowledge and broaden the horizons of the human [Ha! He used a genderless word here] mind."

"But what use will this scientific knowledge be," Elizabeth asked, "if we crash into the sun or get consumed by giant space monkeys?"

"Don't be silly," said Babbage in a very patronising manner, "One does not crash into the sun, as it is a sphere made up of gas. We would sooner burn up than crash into anything solid. As for the space monkeys, I doubt that we will run into any of those, for their diet is exclusively made up of giant space bananas and I do not see any of those floating around."

"I say we take a vote," said Mr Bingley, "Those who want us to get back to earth right now shall raise their hands."

Every hand in the room (obviously with the exception of that of the fainted Lady Catherine, the drunken Mr Hurst and the defecating Mrs Hurst) went up. Except that of Babbage.

"Well, then it is quite clear," Said Mr Bingley.

"Yes," Babbage agreed, "Quite, quite clear. You see, the only problem with all of this is that I am the only one on board who knows how to get us back..."

Eyey

Eyey: adjective. While someone who is nosy pokes one's nose into other people's affairs, someone who is eyey uses one's eye(s). For example, while people poking their noses through keyholes to sniff perfume would be referred to as nosy, people looking through keyholes would be referred to as eyey. It might have occurred to some "smart cookie" readers among you that the word eerie also falls, or at any rate used to fall, into this category of words. Indeed, according to the Pseudo-Oxford-Dictionary (POD), 99.99% of the occurrences of the word eerie in modern literature are incorrect, as there continues to be only one definition: using one's ears to spy on other people's affairs.

Rabbitten

Rabbitten: adjective. The word rabbitten has two very different meanings:
1. Someone or something bitten by a rabbit.
2. Someone or something bitten by a rabbi.
The word rabbitten made a famous appearance in the Quentin Tarantino's remake of the film Twelve Angry Men. In Tarantino's version, a court is attacked by a swarm of zombie rabbits and every time a person trapped inside is rabbitten, he is swiftly sentenced to being thrown out of the window to meet his personal oblivion. According to critics, the film "showed the true flaws of the American justice system and consequently the failings of human judgement in a refreshingly unprecedented manner," earning it a rating of 72%. 

Cosin

Cosin: verb. When two or more people partake in the same sin. All cosins are sins, but not all sins are cosins. For example, as far as numerous religious texts are concerned, incest is a cosin, whereas murder can only be a cosin when more people do the killing. However, if an individual is involved in killing someone who is committing suicide, then it is not a cosin, as one of the people concerned committed the sin of suicide while the other committed the sin of murder. A person who cosins is called a cosinner - a label which remains with the person until his or her death in the same way that an ex dies an ex even if his or her relationship was succeeded by many others.

πrate

πrate: noun. The (lamentably fast) rate at which pirates disappear from the world. The π in the word πrate, we were informed, comes from the radius of the world - the equator - around which the majority of pirates is found. According to our sources (the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster), the πrate is an indispensable component in the equation for calculating the rate of global warming, as scientists have found a very strong negative correlation coefficient between pirate numbers and rise in global temperatures. 

Pastignorance

Pastignorance: noun. Contrary to popular belief, pastignorance is not lack of information about the past, but lack of information about pasta. The 'a,' as they say, got lost on the way. People suffering from pastignorance will call their penne spaghetti and will swear on their mother's grave that lasagna is a type of shredded wheat. The best remedy to pastignorance is locking its victim in one room with an Italian for seven days. After seven days, a priest of the Flying Spaghetti Monster will check up on the victim and, as is written in the book of Leviticus, "when the hair in the plague [of ignorance] is turned white ... the priest shall pronounce him unclean." As for obtaining the Italian, the book of Leviticus leaves it to our invention.   

Dogcome

Dogcome: adjective. While the word doggone describes something gone so awry that it does not even look like a dog anymore (hence "dog gone" reflecting the state of moving further from resembling a dog), to be dogcome means to become good enough to be reclassified as dog-like. The word can be used in sentences like "I really used to hate my ex, but now she's pretty dogcome."

Progeneration

Progeneration: noun. The widening of the gene pool through a selection of partners with few genetic similarities; the opposite of degeneration. Contrary to popular belief, interracial marriages are not the epitome of progeneration. In fact, neither is fornicating with potatoes. The closest example to the epitome of progeneration (in reproduction with living species) would be producing offspring with comb jelly. As for inanimate objects, progeneration can well be achieved by producing offspring with a brick.

Fragment XXII

The company soon realised, however, that the problem of jam was not the greatest problem while trapped in a box somewhere in the orbit of the Sun. The first person who dared open this topic was Mrs Hurst.

"I do not know about you," she said, "but despite the presence of so many bottles which have pacified my husband, my own bodily pleasures do not seem quite satisfied."

"What exactly are you trying to tell us?" Mrs Horst inquired.

"Merely that I am in serious need of bowel movement after which I hope my husband will still be willing to quench my other bodily thirsts."

"Well I never!" Exclaimed Lady Catherine at such an overt display of nineteenth century sexuality.

"If you will," Interrupted Babbage, "I have equipped this box with a wonderfully elaborate latrine system which flushes faeces through a trombone-shaped set of pipes after which your excrement shall be fired into space at the speed of an unladen swallow. I have made this calculation right now, allowing for the lack of air resistance. In the presence of air, the speed of your faeces would be that of a swallow laden with the weight of a hollow coconut."

At that comment, Mrs Hurst swiftly moved towards the room Babbage had indicated, skipping over the body of Lady Catherine who had fainted about halfway through the explanation. 

Apostmanist

Apostmanist: noun. Someone who denies the existence of postmen. Most apostmanists base their belief system around the fact that hardly anyone ever sees postmen because of how early in the morning they deliver the news. When confronted with the evidence in the form of a newspaper on their doorstep, apostmanists thank random particle movement and go on with their daily lives.  

Forkspooner

Forkspooner: noun. A person who eats spaghetti with a fork and a spoon. An ancient battle is fought between forkspooners and the more numerous forkers, people who eat spaghetti only with forks. The third party in this conflict, forknivers, would seem far too small to make any difference in this battle, but its weaponry - forks and knives - is far deadlier than the weaponry of either of the two sides. Due to this balance between the three, there is no direct conflict and third world countries are divided into spheres of influence to do the fighting amongst each other instead.

Crewde

Crewde: noun. A coarse group of people working closely together (usually on a ship). According to the USA's top secret information on the server Wiki-leaks, the most common exchanges among crewdes are:
"Hey, how are you?"
"Your mother."

and

"Dude."
"No, duuude." 

Candied

Candied: adjective. To be candied is to be frank and brutally honest with regard to questions concerning candy. The word can be used in sentences like the following: "The American Association of Candy-makers was particularly candied in its answers to the tactlessly intrusive questions of the press. In response to the accusation of adding rat poison to mints, the AAC's spokesman candiedly asked the reporter what she would recommend them instead to give the mints a good kick."  

Gnudle

Gnudle: noun. The word gnudle has two commonly confused meanings:
1. The offspring of a gnu and a poodle. Gnudles tend to be hoofed and horned, but their other attributes are markedly similar to those of dogs.
2. A noodle made out of a gnu. Most commonly used as a hyperbole rather than referring to actual noodles meant for consumption, unusually slender gnus are called gnudles.

Dedestalinisation

Dedestalinisation: noun. The return to Stalinism in countries formerly under Stalinist influence, involving the slow reestablishment of the cult of personality, the Stalinist political system and the gulag system of labour camps. Nine out of ten randomly selected Russian politicians claim that Dedestalinisation is a hoax. One out of the ten randomly selected Russian politicians is currently dead. 

Antidote

Antidote: verb. To bestow or express excessive hatred or lack of fondness upon someone or something in a habitual manner. The word antidote can be used in sentences such as the following: "Cain truly antidoted Abel," or "God truly antidoted the people of Sodom and Gomorrah."

Fragment XXI

It was not long before Mr Collins was hauled back in by his wife, who had - to the great disapproval of Lady Catherine - undressed herself and tied her numerous garments together, forming a rope to throw to Mr Collins. Mr Collins was very alive and well by the time he was inside the giant box, which was to the great consternation of Babbage who was convinced that Mr Collins' head should have turned into a giant turnip according to all laws that had been formed about the universe so far. In fact, Babbage had secretly wished that upon the opening of the door, everyone would be sucked out into space, earning his crew the title of the first space-murdered crew in human history.

Unbeknown to Babbage, however, the box was just drifting through an area of high oxygen concentration surrounded by a relatively thick layer of ozone. Thanks to this absolutely unlikely explanation the writers of this story have just pulled out of their rear ends, it happened that no one died and that the crew was able to shut the box door before a swarm of angry Kamasutras could attack them. 

The entire episode left utterly no impact on the crew's morale and, after Mrs Collins was persuaded to dress herself again, the crew returned to the trouble plaguing everybody's mind: jam.

"I do not understand," Lady Catherine orated, "How anyone could dare to dip baked products into jam instead of smearing it on top. It is almost as indecorous as salmon harlotry."

"I couldn't agree more," said Mr Collins.

With that remark, the conversation was ended, as no one dared to raise their voice against Lady Catherine in such a confined area. 

Thingy

Thingy: adjective. Something possessing very material qualities as opposed to abstract ones. To be thingy is to be concrete as opposed to being nebulous. As for quite concrete objects, even they themselves have their own degrees of thinginess. While the air is very unthingy and a sponge is relatively unthingy, a Bible is relatively thingy, a rock is very thingy and a diamond is uberthingy. 

Anticarbonics

Anticarbonics: noun. A maniacal movement set up by Al Gore to combat carbon dioxide in the atmosphere through the strategy of PRRR: Prevention, Remedy, Reeducation and Reversal. The Prevention aspect of Anticarbonics entails the complete annihilation of carbon dioxide releasing substances, objects and organisms or their exclusion from natural systems. As part of this, humans (such as passengers on aeroplanes) are given plastic bags to put on their heads by the Al Gore foundation. The aspect of Remedy relies on removing already present carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, which is sucked up by giant vacuum cleaners. Reeducation relies on educating people about how their sheer existence poses a threat to their sheer existence (each participant of Al Gore's reeducation programme is then given a revolver with one bullet). As for Reversal, the Al Gore foundation expects that if its three earlier points are fulfilled, the world will be completely rid of its evil carbon dioxide and it will be a much cooler place.  

Canniballistics

Canniballistics: noun. The science of designing and accelerating cannibals so as to achieve a desired performance concerning their launching and travel through air. 

Cannibalist

Cannibalist: noun. A person who discriminates against cannibals in any way, shape or form. The name of the movement cannibalists adhere to has long been the subject of heated debate, as the more logically oriented wing espouses the use of the term cannibalism, which would, incidentally, also denote the phenomenon it was set up against. This is why other cannibalists prefer to call their ideology cannibalismism, but since the ending of the word is unprecedented in English, the rest of the movement prefers not to call itself anything at all.

Mermelade

Mermelade: noun. A very popular fruit preserve among merpeople.

Lemonate

Lemonate: verb. To cover something with a firm protective layer of lemons. A rather antiquated antecedent to the modern practice of laminating paper with plastic, lemonating remains a popular birth control device in the bedrooms of numerous masochists. 

Hiacinth

Hiacinth: interjection. The word hiacinth is a relatively uncommon greeting formed by the contraction of the phrase "hiya Cynthia," which is itself a contraction of the phrase "How are you, Cynthia?" Because of the specificity of the target audience for this greeting, even the most qualified linguists have not come across the word without having a Cynthia and a relentless innovator in their social circle.

Fragment XX

Lady Catherine looked at Lady Catherine. Neither of them could believe themselves. In fact, neither of themselves could even believe either of themselves. Mr Bingley watched as Mr Collins floated towards the Lady Catherine in her space-mansion, unable to control his own movement due to the mansion's (or was it Lady Catherine's?) gravitational pull, but unwittingly able to contradict almost all the laws applicable in space that should have turned his head into a giant turnip.

Just at that moment, the entire company froze again as they noticed another Mr Collins floating from the other Lady Catherine's porch in their direction. He was wearing a clown costume and had a pineapple instead of a nose (although the latter detail did not make him markedly distinguishable from the former Mr Collins anyway). The two Collinses were floating towards each other, the expressions of each reflecting some sort of new-found divine love and just when it looked as if they were going to crash into each other, they both thumped into some invisible barrier, making them look like two unintentionally perfect mimes.

A crack went up, down and sideways throughout the barrier, spreading out as far as the eye could see in a matter of seconds. Charlotte looked at Mr Collins reproachfully.

"Now who's going to pay for this?" She demanded, "Don't you know that even in space, the most holy rule of all is 'you broke it, you bought it?'"

But she did not even finish speaking when the cracks filled the entire plane in front of Mr Collins and it burst with a giant crash. Babbage laughed.

"It appears we have ran into a magical-mocking-mirror," He explained, "It reflects whatever is on the other side in a particularly grotesque manner."

Mr Collins looked at a shard drifting off into space, reflecting the earth off in the distance. But, to his absolute horror, the reflection was completely accurate...

Springle

Springle: verb. To scatter or pour Pringles chips over (an object or surface). This is a trend that was very popular in the 1990's when Pringles Newfangled Potato Chips (which weren't so new at that point) became even more popular, increasing market demand, leading to an overproduction and hence an excess of Pringles in virtually all stores in every country of the world. Due to this excess essentially all food was springled and some went so far as to springle entire towns or cities, due to the amount of Pringles available. The situation was eventually resolved, when the horrible mistake was discovered by the manufacturers, who had spent several months in space thanks to their earnings.

Bedgotten

Bedgotten: adjective. An archaic term for someone who is very healthy despite their advanced age. This term may seem counterintuitive to some, but that's just the late 1500's for ya. The word first appears in poetry composed by a man for William III, as a love sonnet to describe his undying love for the royal. The man also happened to be 76 years old, so the use of the word bedgotten is actually quite apt. It is unknown if his royal highness ever heard the poetry, but scholars have argued that he did and it fact contributed to his untimely death, caused by falling off a horse.

Andor

Andor: conjunction. A newly emerging and increasingly popular connective for sentence, which is the same as 'and/or', but with the slash removed (much like Guns N' Roses without their lead guitarist). The word has the effect of cleaning up the sentence, because it removes the messy and unpleasant punctuation, which one does not wish to have in the middle of formal writing. By removing the slash it can be used in a formal context (again much like Guns N' Roses without their lead guitarist).

Readverb

Readverb: verb. The multiplying persistence of sound after a sound is produced. Unlike reverb, where the sound decays until disappearing completely with readverb the sound continues to grow louder and in strength, so that if it were left unchecked it could potentially surround the entire world. Thankfully every music studio is equipped with an emergency anti-readverberizer, which produces a sound so specific in frequency as to cancel out the readverb, thereby preventing a potentially cataclysmic catastrophe of a global scope.

Wilde

Wilde: adjective. Uncontrolled or unrestrained in terms of literary creation. This word was created by the Movement for the Rationalisation of the English Language in honour of the great playwright Oscar Wilde in the year 1850, which is interestingly several years before Wilde was born. The word was created to describe the emerging literary creations in the world of novels and poetry, where such risqué material was appearing, such as the showing of ankles.

Graey

Graey: noun. The politically-correct and international version of the colour of elephants or mice (unless they're white) or other gray...er...grey things. This word was proposed by the United Nations in October of 1962, because they had nothing better to deal with. The resolution was passed by the closest vote in United Nations history with 55 votes for, 2 against and 52 abstaining. Obviously this is the perfect solution tot he renowned dilemma; what do you mean greay would be better? You don't know what you're talking about? Shush, this is perfect!

Numerubor

Numerubor: noun. The embarrassment caused by confusing numbers or failing miserably at basic arithmetic. Numerubor is most common amongst students of advanced mathematics or further mathematics in high school and those studying for degrees involving mathematics at university. This is justified, by claiming that such people do not require skills in basic arithmetic, as they have to grapple with much more complicated concepts. However this does not make mistakes any less embarrassing and numerubor any more amusing.

Fragment XIX

As Mr Collins fainted he twisted so that as he fainted his body began falling out the doors of the box, rather than into the box. Mr Bingley shouted in warning and rushed towards the doors from hiding behind Jane to try and catch the temporarily indisposed Mr Collins, but did not reach him in time. Mr Collins' body slipped out of the box and seemed to float off very slowly into oblivion.

However that is not what Mr Bingley watched when he reached the door. As he did so, he got a chance to see what Mr Collins had seen and fainted because of. Mr Bingley was equally in shock, but thanks to a somewhat stronger constitution, he did not faint. To his great amazement floating before the box was a large elliptical silver sphere with golden baroque windows with precious red velvet curtains. He could see into one of these windows and was presented with a exquisitely decorated room of majestic carpets, a large crystal chandelier, as well as a grand fireplace and a mahogany table with chairs. What was most shocking was that at the head of this table sitting very upright was an identical copy of Lady Catherine.

As Mr Bingley observed this a voice suddenly filled the box, "Well I must say it has taken you all an excessively long time to get here and now that you are here I do not understand why you're all still standing there. How long am I supposed to wait?"