Sipher

Sipher: noun. A cipher created by J. Edgar Hoover, which was decrypted by wrapping paper through and around a sieve in a complex and confusing way, which resulted in the decrypted message falling out of the bottom of the sieve. Many associates of Hoover's saw this in practice, but no one has been able to replicate it since Hoover's death. This suggests two theories, that either Hoover was an alien or he was magic. The commonly accepted theory is that Hoover was magic, which is supported by the fact that he was able to create an openly-existing-top-secret-undercover-agency.

Fragment VII

The group of four departed in two carriages the next morning. Charlotte, Elizabeth and Mr Darcy traveled in one carriage and Mr. Collins had a carriage all to himself, which was understandable, as he was determined to take his herrings with him on the journey.

The goings were slow, as there was unpleasant and stormy weather, which meant the roads were of an appalling quality and they had to stop twice to change horses, as they tired rather quickly. The second time they stopped was somewhere in Lincolnshire on a rather lonely inn next to the road. The inn was named “Ye Olde Marineate”, which was due to an unfortunate sign-making error and was doubly unfortunate, because the word is actually verb.

Inside the inn was a lonely female innkeeper, who seemed excessively bored and utterly indifferent about the arrival of the guests. Mr. Darcy ended up having to harness the horses for both of the carriages, as Mr. Collins was unable to do so for his carriage.

Just as they were about to leave, the innkeeper seemed to awaken, “Are you heading on that foolish adventure, everyone else seems to be going on these days?”

Despite the vague question, Elizabeth immediately understood what the innkeeper was referring to. “Yes, why?” she inquired.

“I warn you! That adventure is not what it seems to be, however if you pay me a large sum of gold, I will cast a spell on you, which will protect you from all the potential dangers of the adventure." the old woman replied.

Demember

Demember: verb. To remove a finger from the hand of someone. This was a form of torture used in by the Mali Empire to punish those, who attempted to drink milk. This was especially prominent during the reign of Mansa Musa II, who happened to be lactose intolerant and so banned the drinking of milk under the punishment of demembering. There were some, who attempted to avoid the punishment and still drink milk, but they were quickly discovered by the world's first form of Inquisition/Police.

Unmember

Unmember: verb. An archaic version of the word "to forget". The word was last used by Chaucer and even in his time it was rarely used in writing and practically never used in spoken word. There are various theories about when the word was first used, but the most prominent and accepted one is that it was first used the year before Bede was born and it was actually an used in association with an accident by Bede's mother.

Antagonism

Antagonism: noun. The philosophy that everyone around you at all times is out to get you and even if there's no one around you, they're still there to get you. There are theories that this word was first coined by a amateur-psychiatrist, who was trying to cover up his paranoia. However the details are sketchy as it is all under the censorship of the US government and it's all very hush-hush and we can't really say any more. How suspicious...

Protagonism

Protagonism: noun. The belief that in one's life one's path will ultimately lead to a successful and happy ending, no matter what choices are taken along the way. This philosophy was proposed by the great Jacques Derrida, unfortunately rather than being accepted as the humorous ridicule it was meant to be, it was taken up by the philosophical community, as a valid 'ism'. This distressed Derrida so much that he withdrew from contact with any and all brass instruments until the end of his life.

Brider

Brider: adjective. This comparative is a combination of the words broader and wider. It was first used by accident by a Philosophy professor in the early 1970's who was attempting to emphasise the importance of the scope of a work in the evaluation of it's metaphysical impact on the disharmonising postulate of an adept at epistemology. Essentially his focus had to be wider and broader, but the professor succeeded in creating brider. It has probably been one of the greatest accomplishments of his life, even though he isn't very highly regarded for it.

Exchecker

Exchecker: noun. An office of the British government, which is in charge of all dictionaries, vocabularies, syntactics, semantics, etymologies, hermits, eloquentics and other such related preoccupations. The office was established by Henry the VI and was just about the only remarkable act of his reign. The office is headed by the Lord of the Exchecker, which is a hereditary position held by the house of Nym and the incumbent is Armistead Johnoah 37th Baron of Nym.

Nym

Nym: noun. A word which is in no way related to a base word, which has been used as an origin for a search. This is the often disregarded syntactical category, alongside synonyms and antonyms. Nyms are oftentimes the most populated category, but due to a massive campaign in the late 1875's against the category, they are now mainly disregarded by the global linguistic and language-enthusiast community, much to the chagrin of the Honourable Lord Nym, Chancellor of the Exchecker.

Fragment VI

The three enjoyed each other’s company for the rest of the afternoon, while Mr Collins laboured by a nearby tree with a rather large pile of herring and an ingenious device of his construction, which launched herring at a surprising speed in the general direction of up. Despite this brilliant invention, Mr Collins was unsuccessful in cutting down the tree by nightfall and so returned to the mansion quite disappointed.

“Tell you what dear, shall we take a relaxing holiday and go on a small adventure with the Elizabeth and Mr Darcy, rather than immediately returning to Lady Catherine? It will help you take your mind off all of the herring”, suggested Charlotte after her husband had retold his troubles.

“But Lady Catherine will be expecting us back promptly! We can’t possibly let her wait.” lamented Mr Collins.

“Why of course we can. We shan’t be gone for very long and I’m sure she can manage without us. Besides if she couldn’t manage, then why would she send us away in the first place?” schemed Charlotte.

“That is indeed a very good point, perhaps you are right.” agreed finally Mr Collins.

“Excellent, I shall confirm with Lizzy later tonight.” beamed Charlotte.

And that is precisely what she did. Lizzy was thrilled to have her oldest friend accompany her on the adventure and was very much looking forward to it, despite the fact that Mr Collins was coming along as well.

Delikacy

Delikacy: noun. This word has two absolutely fascinating meanings.

1. The efficacy of a deli. Essentially the likelihood that if you enter a deli, you will emerge with what you wanted. There are varying degrees of this, depending on where you are in the world. For example the delikacy of delis in Algeria is quite high, because if you enter a deli you will most likely emerge with something very similar to what you wanted, but not quite there. However in Morocco you will most likely emerge with a awful rash and a leek, no matter what you wanted.
2. Describing a food, which is specific to a region or culture and which also has a pleasurable taste. One may think that the word delicacy already achieves this, however it has been mentioned that the word delicacy is the universal term for something unspeakably awful but rare.

Gourda

Gourda: noun. A combination of the Haitian currency of the Gourde and also the well-known cheese Gouda. Logically it can then be inferred that a gourda is a large block of cheese, which is beige-coloured and tasting distinctly of port wine and jambalaya. This cheese is commonly made in Tenerife and also Sant Maarten, where it is sold as a delicacy, which is the universal term for something disgusting, but rare.

Scrupleton

Scrupleton: noun. A 100 scruples. As everyone knows the scruple is a unit of mass used by apothecaries, hence belonging to the Apothecaries' system. There are 3 scruples in a drachm and 288 scruples in a pound, but more importantly and much more sensibly, there are 100 scruples in a scrupleton. This specific unit of measurement was created by an apothecary from Brighton, who was well known for providing hemlock in the scrupletons. 

Sqrunch

Sqrunch: noun. A more accurate representation or onomatopoeia of the sound made when a bug is stepped on and crushed. This bug preferably must have a thicker shell or exoskeleton, as well as being sufficiently juicy. Only then can the sound that emanates from the broken wreck of a bug be described as a sqrunch. No one is entirely sure, when the word was first used, although there are theories that it was used post mortem by Galileo Galilei, when his theories were confirmed.

Infrustration

Infrustration: noun. The feeling one gets when one loses something, knows that he has lost it and still cannot find it, even though it should be really easy to find and one is looking in the right direction. This happens on varying scales to different people, where some suffer from it frequently and some never at all. The common and accepted theory is that the object that has been lost has been stolen by pixies or leprechauns and can only be returned, once a long enough period of infrustration has been suffered.

Trainge

Trainge: verb. To change train or subway/metro lines. This word was first used and subsequently popularised by a group called the Subways from New York, who spent their days riding various subway lines and trying to determine, what were the fastest routes from a stop to another stop, including various factors, such as people density and frequency of performers. They created the word to simplify their communication to each other, which was semi-pointless as they communicated with each other very rarely, being extremely anti-social.

Scovillity

Scovillity: noun. The measure of the spiciness of spicy foods, based on the Scoville scale. The Scoville scale was devised in 1912 as a scale of pungency of spicy foods and has since been often used by manufacturers of spicy sauces to promote their product. It was Wilbur Scoville himself who coined the word scovillity. He did so in an attempt to popularise his scale and to increase his own ego. The conversation during which the word was first used went something like this:
"Wow, this is a rather spicy chilli pepper."
"Do you know its scovillity?"
"Its what?"
"Oh, you know, scovillity. It's this useful technique I created..."
You can imagine how it went from there...

Fragment V

“So to what do we owe the pleasure of having you as our guests?” inquired Elizabeth.

“Ah, you see I have been sent by the honourable Lady Catherine de Bourgh to cut down the mightiest tree in Derbyshire with a herring. A task I plan to achieve tomorrow, so that we may return to Lady Catherine as soon as possible.” answered Mr. Collins.

The unpleasant odour was still very much presalent around Mr. Collins, hence he was encouraged by the others in the room, to begin his task now, as they believed it may take him longer than he anticipates.

Elizabeth was baffled, “Charlotte dear, how can you possibly bear this atrocious caricature of a man as a husband? He must be so exasperating.”

“Oh, one gets used to him. On the positive side, he is so engrossed with Lady Catherine and his own ego that absolutely everything goes past him, it’s no difficulty for me to keep my own agenda or plans. Sometimes I wonder if he still remembers that I live in the same house as him.” replied Charlotte. “And how have things been here at Pemberley, Elizabeth has only livened the place I trust Mr. Darcy?”

“Oh yes, most certainly. We couldn’t be happier and Georgiana couldn’t have asked for a better friend. However I have realised that we may have to leave you tomorrow morning, as we have a trip planned.” exclaimed Mr. Darcy.

“I absolutely forgot about that, how silly of me!” reprimanded herself Elizabeth, “I’m afraid Charlotte that a friend of Fitzwilliam’s has invited us on an adventure and we’ve been planning to leave for quite some time, it shall be impossible for us to cancel the trip now!”

“Oh that’s quite alright, I’m sure that we shall be on our way quite promptly. Whether we leave with a tree or without, that is yet to be seen.”

“In that case, I propose we summon Mr Collins back and send him to have a lovely fragrant bath, while we enjoy some supper and discuss all that has happened, since we’ve last seen each other.” issued Elizabeth and so they engaged themselves for the afternoon.

Butterflious

Butterflious: adjective. Describing something which is vaguely related to a butterfly and is also most definitely marvellous. For example in 1935 a German constructor named Wilhelm Schonitz constructed a giant butterfly net, which was intended to catch happy emotions, as they floated towards the heavens and then redistribute the happiness amongst the suffering populace. This idea was called butterflious by many, until it was used to aid the Nazi was effort, having been reconfigured to capture idealism, rashness, irrationality and violence. Some believe that the net was actually one of the main causes of World War Two.

Oligobatics

Oligobatics: noun. To counteract the popularity of acrobatics in Ancient Greece, as well as Ancient Texas, and the inherent discrimination of acrobatics, the Celtic Dwarf/Little-People Society created oligobatics, as a discipline much more accessible to the general public. In fact the discipline was a huge success and the originators were praised for their excellent, and much more inclusive idea. However the Greeks simply couldn't accept this, so they sabotaged the 100th annual oligobatics championships, thereby sending the sport into obscurity and almost extinction, except for a small group of practitioners near Basel, Switzerland. The word originates from the Greek word "oligos" meaning small, few or little.

Efamiliate

Efamiliate: verb. Cause (someone) to become close or affectionate to someone; befriend. The Movement for the Rationalisation of the English Language created this word in the early 1827's as a direct antonym to the word estrange. However in their desperate plight to create a suitable word, they overlooked the trend of society at the time, which would have clearly shown them that society at the time did not require positive-minded words, rather looking for words with a similar connotation to estrange. Hence the word quickly fell into obscurity with some people openly criticising it. Since then it has been called one of the greatest mistakes of the Movement.

Diadrammatic

Diadrammatic: adjective. Describing something, which in some way represents a theatre work, a dilemma, a perplexing situation or unusual event. This very wide definition was first proposed by the French photographer Nicéphore Niépce, who enjoyed incorporating dramatic scenes into his photographs and daguerrotypes, hence making them diadrammatic. It is likely that we shall never run out of diadrammatic things, as there will always be dramatic events happening, that is unless the great Platypus-Cat of Salem takes over. Of course. 

Electraumatic

Electraumatic: adjective. Describing something, which can cause trauma using electricity. For example repetitive use of a Van de Graaff generator can lead to severe psychological trauma and hence can be described as electraumatic. This is a recognised medical condition, and hence there are several medical abbreviations associated with this term. For example LOLSBOEE (Little Old Lady Suffered Because Of Electraumatic Experience) or EEIP (Electraumatic Experience Induced Paranoia) and also SLEEP (Sudden Latent Electraumatic Experience Paralysis).

Trespassment

Trespassment: noun. The action wherein one trespasses into a different one's property, while under the influence of a herb of some sort. For example when one enters a military facility, while under the influence of coriander can be considered an act of trespassment. In 2011 this word was voted by the British public of Adelaide to be the 2nd hardest word to spell in a spelling bee. It came second only to the word 'aardwolf'. This is particularly interesting, because aardwolves can often be perpetrators of trespassment, due to their frequent ingestion of thyme, while hunting.

Vocabulistics

Vocabulistics: noun. The study of vocabulary, one who studies this is a vocabulist. The two branches of vocabulistiscs are psychological vocabulistics and historical vocabulistics. The first branch is the study of the effects of specific vocabulary words on an individual or how one's vocabulary develops over time or under different circumstances, while historical vocabulists study the development of the average vocabulary throughout history and how new words have influenced historical events. Pastism shows that this veer blog will be the most important subject in all of historical vocabulistics.

Fragment IV

Elizabeth Darcy emerged from the mansion doorway in an exquisite, yet simple and utilitarian dress. She was ecstatic at getting to see her oldest friend once again, less so about the olfactory sensation that was Mr Collins.

“Why Charlotte, you could have written to let me know you were coming! Come right in.” announced Elizabeth excitedly. As Mr Collins began to follow his wife she turned to him, “I’m afraid Mr Collins that you shall have to enter through the back door, we recently had new carpets installed.”

Hence Mr Collins collected his bearing and his herring and went on the 15 minute walk to the other side of the house. In the mean time Elizabeth showed Charlotte the room, she would be staying in (conveniently far away from Mr Collins’ room), while they talked about motherhood and Charlotte’s plans once the baby arrived.

Later that afternoon they were joined by Mr Collins for tea and even Mr Darcy turned up. Mr Darcy had recently been suffering from schizofernia due to an unfortunate gardening incident and so was sticking to the parts of the house, further away from the garden. Mr Collins in the mean time had managed to partially remove the stench from himself and Elizabeth had him surrounded by so many flowers, incense and myrrh that he was actually bearable for shorter lengths of time.

Prevalencia

Prevalencia: noun. The famous town that once stood, where modern day Valencia, Spain stands. No one remembers the name of the original town anymore, hence the scientific and archaeological community agreed upon the term prevalencia and then further conjugated this term to include for example the prevalencian society, the prevalencian bronze ages, the prevalenciar people and the prevalencio-basque wars.

Obesimum

Obesimum: noun. A particularly offensive and impolite term, usable when referring to a mother suffering from obesity of some form. This word is considered unacceptable in all levels of society. There is a story of a man uttering the word in the 1990's to a group of friends, who promptly reported him to the police and the man was excommunicated by the Pope to the island of Elba three days later. He died of a walking-jellyfish attack and his last words were reported to be "Some friends I've got..."

Obesidad

Obesidad: noun. Not to be confused with the Spanish word for 'obesity', this word refers to a parental figure in a family, who can be described as big-boned. Some consider obesidad as a euphemism, however the Oxford Society for the Mystical Interpretation of Euphemisi and Various Wordly Paraphernalia clearly states that the word is a meta-euphamism, with a strand of allegorical chiasmus on the 'a'.

Tyrannosaurexia

Tyrannosaurexia: noun. A disease caused by malnutrition, specifically the severe lack of neon in one's diet. It is often confused with Kwashiorkor, however the distinct symptom of Tyrannosaurexia is the shortening of the upper limbs of the infected, as well as a prolonging of the snout...er...face. The disease was first named by the famous explorer David Livingstone. In fact the medical missionary shouted it to H. M. Stanley during a famous conversation, which went something like this:

"Dr Livingstone, I presume?"
"Tyrannosaurexia."

Bulimia

Bulimia: noun. The lost country in the middle of the Amazon rainforest, which has been speculated about. There are various theories that claim that the officials of Brazil hide from the rest of the world an entire country, which exists within the Amazon rainforest, so as to increase their own borders and thereby their sense of self-worth. Bulimia was searched for by Francisco Pizarro, Vasco de Gama and others, however they all mysteriously died of an unknown illness, I'm sure that doesn't mean anything. Brazil hopes that continued deforestation will rid it of the problem of Bulimia. 

Overweightness

Overweightness: noun. The degree to which one is overweight, as well as the degree to which one is being weighed down by a problem, burden or in-law. This word became very popular in the vocabulary of doctors in the 1960's, especially after the baby boom in Europe and Asia. The sentence: "Overweightness was high in the city due to the overweightness of the population" appeared in many different satirical comics and cartoons of various newspapers, along with caricatures of various family members.

Parently

Parently: adverb. Describing something, which resembles the actions or behaviour of a parent. Used often by kids of an age below 8 years old, who imitate their parents, they use the word to justify their actions to their fellow sand-pit comrades as they drag around a miniature shopping cart shouting, "Why the hell is everything so expensive these days?!"

Forgy

Forgy: noun/adjective. This word has two very different meanings, which should not be confused even in the most dire circumstances.

1. A food orgy. These were very popular in the halls of Ancient Rome, especially in the halls of well to-do citizens, emperors, senators and clergy. A forgy would be held within a convivium, and there were three lavish courses served to the guests reclining on couches. The courses were in order gustatio, mensae primae and mensae secundae.
2. Relating to a forge. A forge is a type of hearth used by blacksmiths, and the word forgy has oftentimes been incorrectly used to describe hearths, which in fact weren't forges at all. There are various types of forges including coal, gas and finery forges.

So what that this post is only educational and not funny?! Deal with it!