Zomby

Zomby: adjective. Having the qualities of a zombie, including reduced mobility, communication skills and/or intellect. The word can be used insulting sentences such as "Sarah Palin is so zomby that if she and your mother had a fight, they would end up tearing their own appendages off."

Zombism

Zombism: noun. Zombism is a denomination of Christianity created by the synthesis of Abrahamic beliefs and Voodooism. Adherents of this denomination believe that Jesus Christ did indeed rise from the dead, but as a zombie. According to Zombist lore, he then roamed the Holy Land eating the brains of unsuspecting head surgery aspirants who followed him in giant queues everywhere he waddled. Eventually, word reached the leadership in Rome of the newly formed undead army keeping the Holy Land cut off from its water supply by clumsily falling into rivers and aqueducts. The Romans sent in a massive army which slaughtered the already half-dead bodies and then threw them into the Mediterranean Sea. Legend has it that some pieces drifted as far as Jamaica where they were discovered by Josepho Smitho in a golden microwave. When he opened it, the zombie pieces attacked him, ate his brain and Josepho Smitho spent the rest of his undead life travelling Jamaica and preaching a newly formed religion which only made sense in his own head and the heads of his few followers. Apparently, its main tenets were "brains, brains and braaaaaaaaaaains." 

Unspotted

Unspotted: adjective. The word unspotted has several definitions, but the two major ones (free from spots and free from moral stain) are so commonly used that it is not necessary to explain them on this blog. The third meaning of the word unspotted, however, is irresistibly obscure. In this sense, someone or something unspotted has been spotted before but freed from this state. An unspotted dalmatian, for example, either had spots that disappeared, a bad moral reputation that was reversed or was spotted by someone but the person who had spotted it was hit by a memory-erasing laser beam and forgot all about having spotted a dalmatian, making it unspotted. When this is kept in mind, Mother Mary (the virgin unspotted) could either have had a stainless moral reputation, a stealthy way of moving or (the most probable meaning) absolutely perfect skin.

Depandance

Depandance: noun. The state of being reliant on a panda for existence. To solidify their understanding of depandance, the creators of this blog Skype-called the famous linguist-biologist Rachel Cardaughter who, while stroking the head of a panda in Beijing zoo, explained "See these fleas? They are completely depandant. If the panda suddenly disappeared, they would die within twenty four hours. Now look at me. I am paid by the zoo to take care of the pandas. If the pandas suddenly disappeared, I would not die within twenty four hours. I would be sent to court and executed within perhaps one week. That is why I would be classified as semidepandant. My twenty year old son, however, would be classified as indepandant, as the disappearance of any panda would not cause his death."

As a side-note, we would like to thank Mrs Cardaughter for her heavenly bamboo cupcakes she sent over. At least that is what we think they were, given their green colour. It is sad that the rest of them were eaten by a giant purple dragon which broke in through the door soon after we had a couple of bites.

Porosism

Porosism: noun. The absolutist belief that everything is (to some degree) porous. Porosists insist that a vacuum is the most porous thing possible, as it poses the smallest barriers to the free travelling of water. Air comes next, followed by liquids and eventually solids. According to Porosists, even a slab of iron is porous, as it lets through water if eroded enough. The counter-movement to this belief is Antiporosism, whose adherents believe that in truth, nothing is porous. The evidence they give for this claim, however, is hard to find and even harder to comprehend. 

Scissity

Scissity: noun. The word scissity has two definitions:
1. The angle between the blades of a pair of scissors.
2. The volume of a proboscis monkey's nose.

Twoth

Twoth: noun. The word twoth has two commonly used meanings:
1. One is an alternative way to say "second," but this sense of the word can not be used in the middle of the words "first" and "third." Instead, twoth should either be used alone or in between the words oneth and threeth.
2. Another meaning of the word twoth is a pair of teeth grown together. Often, in slang terms, these teeth are called Siamese teeth.    

XV

And so it happened that Lady Catherine, Mr and Mrs Collins, Mr and Mrs Darcy, Mr and Mrs Horst and Mr and Mrs Hurst were in their giant box, prepared to begin their journey through space and a little time.

"I will miss my family though," said Elizabeth, "I hope they have a postal service where we're going."

Suddenly, there was a bang and then a poof accompanying the appearance of a giant cloud inside the box. As the cloud subsided, Mr and Mrs Bingley, Mr and Mrs Bennet, Mr and Mrs Wickham, Mary and Catherine appeared. No one seemed to understand how they got there, but this quite unexpected fortunate event saved the authors of this story a good deal of time trying to invent a way to get all of these characters together into one giant box.  

Seeing the correlation between Lizzy's wish and her baffled family's appearance, Mr Darcy exclaimed "I will miss my little sister" and to the surprise of all, Georgiana Darcy flew in with another bang and cloud.

Picking up the tempo, Mr Hurst - with quite atypical speed and sharpness - shouted "And man will I miss my secret stash of whiskey," after which everyone found themselves knees deep in bottles.

"Well if this works," said Mrs Collins staring intently at her beloved, "then I certainly will not miss my husband." However, to the surprise of no-one, Mr Collins did not disappear with a reverse cloud and reverse bang.

"Ha-ha" said Mrs Collins nervously, "Just joking, my dear."   

"Do not worry," smiled Mr Collins, "If there is one thing we share, it is that wonderful sense of humour of ours."

"Yes," Mrs Collins agreed hastily. "Well it was worth a shot," she added under her breath. 

Pastree

Pastree: noun. A tree endemic to Western and Central Europe that bears pastry. In England, pastrees typically grow scones, while French pastrees tend to grow croissants. Belgian and Dutch pastrees, on the other hand, grow little cakes, German, Swiss and Austrian pastrees grow strudels and snails, while Czech and Polish pastrees grow koblihy and kolache. 

Flaccidiser

Flaccidiser: noun. A medicament that is manufactured using the rich mineral waters of Lake Flaccid in North America and that is commonly referred to as "antiviagra." Without going into the details, flaccidiser is used to give a limp appearance to previously firm structures such as plant cells, dog tails, European self-confidence and Chuck Norris' body.

Mancipation

Mancipation: noun. The process of turning into a man. Quite often, mancipation takes plenty of time (puberty and the fate of Elizabeth Taylor come to mind), but the process can also happen overnight with the help of surgical instruments and a good amount of anaesthetics. A common phenomenon among mancipated former-women, however, is demancipation - the process of turning back into whatever one was before becoming a man. The most common reasons for demancipating cited by demancipists are the stereotypes and expected behavioural patterns that go along with being a man and suffocate freethinkers. A doctor we consulted, however, claims that "mancipation actually ain´t all bad. Call +899 222 631 211 and become a man today! We also offer surgeries to transform you into an illuminati." Clearly, the doctor knows his stuff. 

 

Skaudition

Skaudition: verb or noun. As a verb, to skaudition is to audition over skype, while as a noun, a skaudition is something completely different: an audition over skype.

EOrrorist

EOrrorist: noun. A terrorist of the Eastern Orthodox faith whose aim in life and death is to destroy decadently painted religious icons. Inspired by the logic of terrorists from other religions and denominations, EOrrorists claim the right to blow up religious material offensive to them, which includes not only ‘faulty’ icons (the Eastern Orthodox Church is very pedantic about iconography), but often also the remnants of the people who created them. Note that the word EOrrorist should not be confused with the word Eeyoreist, a person who worships the donkey character from Winnie the Pooh.      

Neighbourism

Neighbourism: noun. The idea that the justness of international military action is solely determined by the proximity of one country to the other. As a rule, Neighbourists are strongly opposed to military action when the aggressor is far away from its victim, but are more than happy to support invasions by the victim’s neighbour. This basically summarises a prominent view in Russia (the majority of whose population happens to be neighbourist) stating that the Russian Federation has a natural right to wage war on its neighbours (and often the neighbours of their neighbours) with which countries farther away have no right to meddle.

Ti

Ti: verb. Being swiftly removed from the face of the world after attempting to say the words "Tibet" or "Tiananmen Square Massacre." People who are tid are rarely ever found and, to be quite frank, no one even bothers to look for them because it is mathematically proven that an unoffended China is a happy China and consequently a China that will give cash.

As the writers of this blog love their freedom and the provocativeness that comes along with it, there is only one thing they wish to say to that: Free Ti-

THE WRITERS OF THIS BLOG ARE MOMENTARILY UNAVAILABLE. PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING FRAGMENT WITHOUT WONDERING WHERE THEY COULD BE AND WHO WROTE THIS MESSAGE IN CAPITAL LETTERS.

XIV

"Well?" asked Babbage, standing in front of a line of slaves that had just transported a giant shiny box before the party, "What do you think? For the last six months, I´ve been working on a large version of the box you disappeared in last time. I was thinking that perhaps I could get another idiot to climb into it and test it out."

"Is that really why we´re here?" Exclaimed Elizabeth.

"Precisely," Lady Catherine suddenly replied, "now let us all get into that thing and go wherever it might take us!"

With her forceful authority and a massive umbrella with which she pushed Mr Collins and everyone else on board, Lady Catherine became the unofficial leader of the expedition into the unknown. Well, at least for a while. It became official when Mr Collins confirmed Lady Catherine´s authority in his most secretly kept pink unicorn diary which incidentally became a source of plenty amusement after he got sucked out into space - but more on that later.

"You stay here, Babbage, and get those pesky servants to stay behind too," Lady Catherine ordered most severely, "you shall be the location we report back to."

"Ti-" exclaimed a servant and disappeared.    

Asunderpants

Asunderpants: noun. An article of clothing worn for the purpose of separating the buttocks. Asunderpants are very popular in cultures where a clean bum is a sign of good breeding, as the undergarment reduces friction between the body and faeces by 50% in normal people and 99% in fat lards. Sadly, one seems to hear very little of asunderpants and, consequently, cultures that place a large importance on clean backsides, indicating the decadence of modern society. 

Voilent

Voilent: adjective. There are three common (and not, per se, mutually exclusive meanings) of the word voilent:
1. A violent violet.
2. A violent violin.
3. A violent violinist.
The word is not to be confused with the word voidlent, the act of giving up absolutely nothing for Lent.   
 

Barcass

Barcass: noun. The "carcass" of a boat - probably one of the most tragic sights in the eyes of experienced navymen and navywomen. A barcass is distinguished from a mere wreck by three major factors: it must be on shore, its basic skeleton must be visible and it must be decomposed to the extent that human attempts to make the boat a more hospitable place are indistinguishable.

Hititism

Hititism: noun. Hititism, not to be confused with Hittitism (the belief in the superiority of the Hittite way of life), is one of the most prominent philosophies in the twenty first century. According to hititists, the solution to life's problems is the same as the solution to malfunctioning televisions: a good hit. Dedicated hititists will hit everything from problematic steering wheels and unexploded ammunition to unresponsive technology and shopkeepers. Because of this, most hititists are now in prison or exiled.   

Fock

Fock: noun. The singular form of the word "fox." It is a common misconception that the word "fox" is the last term in the line of degression beginning with "foxes." It leads to a belief popular among many that the word "fox" is singular, which is evidently untrue as it is one of the very few words commonly classified as quasingular. The word fock itself actually denotes any physical part belonging to a fox. This ambiguity was used by Shakespeare for comedic effect in his partially child-friendly rendition of Romeo and Juliet featuring Romeo, Juliet and the entire cast dressed up as foxes, Juliet's famous soliloquy being altered to:

"What's a Foxague? It is nor fock, nor fock,
Nor fock, nor fock, nor any other fock
Belonging to a fox."

Choose

Choose: noun. Pronounced "chooz," the word choose is the singular form of the word "cheese" and the ultimate singular of "cheeses." The rule of thumb for distinguishing a choose from cheese and both of these from cheeses is the following: a choose is any small piece of cheese with a weight of less than five grammes, but both choose and cheese can be distinguished from cheeses not by quantity but by their origin - while cheeses have to originate from several separately manufactured pieces of cheese, cheese and choose have to originate from one sole piece.

Quasingular

Quasingular: adjective. The intermediate state between singular and plural - a contraction of the words "quasi" and "singular." Quasingular words are often words that are practically used as singular words but are technically more than that. The test to finding out whether a word is singular or quasingular is remarkably easy: one takes the word in its plural form and works it down to its "most" singular form. Through this test, we can find that some sequences only involve two terms, such as "trees-tree" or "geese-goose," indicating that the words concerned have no quasingular form, whereas some sequences, such as "cheeses-cheese-choose" and "foxes-fox-fock" (both of which shall be discussed in later posts) have three terms, the intermediate one being quasingular. 

Fragment XIII

Eventually, it transpired that Mr Horst, the new husband of Caroline no-longer-Bingley, had been in charge of supervising a time travel contraption which disappeared, along with Mr Horst, a couple of months before during a highly dangerous experiment.

"The problem," explained Mr Horst, "is that you, my good sir and teacher, made a fatal mistake in your calculations. While the contraption did indeed carry me through time, its main use seems to rest in travel through space. My movement through time was enhanced by an entire one minute, but my movement through space was incomparably larger and I happened to end up in an apartment in London, Grosvenor Street."

"And, I daresay, that is how you met Caroline Bingley! Isn't that right?" exclaimed Elizabeth.

"No," said Mr Horst dryly, "I was arrested and sent to prison from which I escaped with the help of a spoon and... of course that's how I met Caroline Bingley! It was love at first sight and all of that rot. Honestly, lady, you aren't too bright, are you?"

Caroline sneered. Elizabeth was embarassed. Babbage was gone.

"Well," said Mr Darcy adressing Caroline, "I see that you have finally found a man matching the wonderful arrogance I have always admired in you." 

Caroline was silent. Mr Horst was offended. Babbage was still gone.

"I don't know about you, but I need the loo," remarked Mr Hurst quite suddenly. His wife gave him a scolding look.

"Could you at least say 'urinate?'" she said with marked disgust.

"Sorry, love, can't talk, I need a good piss," said Mr Hurst looking around for the men's room. His eyes finally rested on a lovely potted plant where he proceeded to empty his bladder.

Mrs Hurst was shocked. Elizabeth was appaled. Babbage had just come back.

Salove

Salove: noun. A contraction of the expression "saliva of love" denoting the saliva exchanged during physical displays of affection, particularly (but not limited to) the saliva exchanged during kissing. The word salove is pronounced very much like "saliva of love," just without the "liva of" part. At the same time, the "love" part of the word is given very special emphasis by some native speakers, leading to the common transcription of "sa-LOUGHHHVE."

Trevility

Trevility: noun. The trio of evil - an antithesis to the trinity, the trio of good. People who believe in the Trevility put forward the view that the three great evils in the world (the Illuminati, Satan and Santa Claus) are one entity. The evidence they give for this is indeed quite convincing:

1. Santa is one with the Illuminati not only because of his conical hat (which is triangular in two dimensions), but also because of the popular carol which states that "he sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake" and "he knows if you've been bad or good" (which is followed by some moralising rubbish).

2. Santa is one with Satan because recently found evidence supports a historically discouraged but popular view that Santa is only a misspelling of the name Satan. Indeed, many cultures report that Santa (or his cultural equivalent) gives naughty children coal and potatoes, both of which are found deep under the surface of the earth...

3. Satan is one with the Illuminati because of his other name: Lucifer, which translates to "bringer of light." Similarly, the Illuminati are "the enlightened."

Of course, another piece of evidence for the oneness of this entity is that all three aspects of it are linked, meaning that their relationship cannot be depicted as a line... but as a triangle.       

Minister′

Minister′: noun. A very popular (and need I say mathematically witty) abbreviation for "prime minister." Fusing the mathematical prime symbol (used for set complements, derivatives and so on) with the political function of a prime minister, the word minister′ was invented by one of the few people who dabbled in both sciences: Aristotle. Needless to say, the authors of this blog detest Aristotle for his boring monologues and unconvincing arguments, but we have to grudgingly admit that he did make some fine contributions to the English language before it was even invented. 

Obstickle

Obstickle: noun. An object preventing one from one's desired course of action that is simultaneously either a tick, a stick, sticky, involving ticking or involving tickling. An example of an obstickle would be wanting to walk straight through a forest but encountering a stick barring your way. Another example would be wanting to escape a horde of children but being tickled to death. 

Duty-expensive

Duty-expensive: adjective. While duty-free shops grant their customers an exemption from paying value added tax, duty-expensive shops are required by law to do the opposite, having to make the value added tax higher than it usually would be. Usually, ordering a shop to be duty-expensive is a sign of political machination aimed at destabilising a businessperson's position in the market. However, the difficulty of implementing such measures means that most corrupt politicians will simply repeatedly order police investigations of a firm, leading to its bankrupcy as such investigations often entail closing the firm down for an indefinite length of time.

Note: the writers of this blog are not pointing any fingers, but, as is common in the Philippines, indicate with their lips to certain maxisters that have sunk their roots in Czech politics.  

Deccelescalieration

Deccelescalieration: noun. A term denoting the phenomenon of people slowing down at the end of an escalator, causing complete havoc and destruction. Previously thought to be a myth, deccelescalieration has been scientifically proved by researchers from Hong Kong who devoted countless hours riding on some of the longest moving staircases in the world. They found that as the journey to an escalator's end draws to a close, it takes people 2.6 seconds (which is coincidentally the reaction time of a munchkin) to realise that they will have to walk, after which most of them do so. This delay is the reason why the average space between escalator travellers shrinks, building up tension that may eventually lead to death by trampling.    

Maxister

Maxister: noun. In the good old days, servants of the state used to be classified according to more important characteristics than the colour of their skin and the content of their character - their height. Politicians shorter than 160 centimetres (5.24934 feet or 0.000863931 nautical miles in the case of admirals) were classified as ministers, politicians between 160 and 180 centimetres (5.90551 feet or 0.000971922 nautical miles) were called mezzosters and those taller than 180 centimetres became maxisters. Note that the word maxister is not to be confused with a maxistir, which is a circular movement for the purpose of mixing with a magnitude of 0.1 on the Richter scale.  

Fragment XII

It was at that moment when something absolutely extraordinary happened. The ground started shaking, Lady Catherine toppled and a giant iron box appeared in front of Babbage without any attempt for justification by the great powers of the universe. As Mr Collins reached his hand out to Lady Catherine to lift her up, something even more extraordinary happened: he paused and instead of proceeding in his usual display of servility, observed how the doors of the vault opened and cold steam escaped the inside. Out stepped two quite elegant feet, followed by another two not so elegant feet and four feet that were appaling beyond description. 

"Caroline Bingley" exhaled Mr Darcy amazed. Indeed, Caroline Bingley stood in front of them with Mrs Hurst right behind her, Mr Hurst behind her and what seemed like a complete clone of Mr Hurst behind him.

"Horst, in fact," said Caroline in a very matter-of-fact tone, introducing her fiancé.

As Mr Horst came forward, Babbage turned pale. That paleness, however, soon gave way to a natural flush as he, with an air of complete exhileration, started sputtering and dancing around in joy. He grabbed Horst by the hand, shook it wildly and in disconnected phrases attempted to explain himself:

"Mr Horst! My long lost assistant! Former maxister to his majesty's cabinet! Oh dear oh dear!"

Tofucken

Tofucken: noun or verb. The most commonly used form in which the word tofucken appears is as a noun, the meaning of which is "tofu turducken." However, tofucken is becoming increasingly popular as a verb with the meaning of "turning something into tofucken." More often than not, this action is completely unintentional, giving rise to exclamations such as "You completely tofuckened that up!" which became so popular among the Japanese Mormon vegetarians in Iowa that they turned the expression into a very deep proverb: "If it ain't meat, don't tofucken it up."

Espouse

Espouse: noun. Without a doubt one of the most ingenious inventions of the modern era, an espouse is a legal partner in marriage in the virtual world. Although the chances are slim, it could turn out that one´s espouse is actually a real person, but the ways of finding that out are very limited. Even if your espouse were looking you straight in the eyes, you would probably not be able to tell it´s him, her or it (unless, of course, his, her or its profile picture actually happens to be of him, her or it, which is very rarely the case). The uses of espouses, sometimes also called espice, are innumerable. They can be used to clean an imaginary house, make imaginary cash or give you an imaginary sandwich. They are also good at stimulating other bodily appetites, but that might be a story for another day. 

Matter

Matter: noun. The male version of a mattress. It is a little known (or at least thoroughly concealed and ignored) fact, that mattresses can only be used by lesbians, bisexuals and male heterosexuals without feeling violated. It is complementary, therefore, that matters can only be slept in by gays, bisexuals and female heterosexuals without being scarred for life.