Marbel

Marbel: verb. To gaze wonderingly at the surrounding world with at least one fake eye. During the age of piracy, it was common for sailors, who had suffered a head wound to marbel at the world they got to sea (sea what I did there (and there)) as they sailed around. It actually became illegal under Henry Morgan, as there was a risk of the false eye falling out as the seamen marbeled, which would render them even more useless then they had been up to that point.

Spritly

Spritly: adjective. Describing someone who is either on a sugar-high from Sprite©, or someone who is unusually active despite their advanced age. The first meaning of the word can only be used for someone under the age of 25, while the second meaning of the word can only be used for someone over the age of 65. For those who are aged between 25 and 65, there is unfortunately very little we can do. Contact the Life complaints desk, if you fell that you've been cheated. They can be contacted at whatdoyouwantnow@wereallydonotca.re

Harmoralise

Harmoralise: verb. To give moral judgment by multiple people, while singing in harmony. This was a technique extremely popular amongst the nuns of the convents of 14th century Holy Roman Empire, who reprimanded their younger nuns using this manner, as they believed that this placed them on a moral high-ground, while also strengthening their connection to the Lord. The technique has since been abandoned leading to the decline of choir-standards globally, so much so, that in modern times nothing compares to the beauty of the nuns harmoralias. 

Antihypochondriasis

Antihypochondriasis: noun. A disease, which leads to a stern belief that one isn't succumbing to any form of disease, even when clearly ill. The early symptoms of this is a staunch denial of a cold or the claim that one hasn't suffered from a disease for over 7 years. Late-stage symptoms include attempts at attempting to continue regular life, while feverish, claiming normalcy while vomiting or attempting to eat food, while seizing. This potentially fatal psychological disorder has no known cure, but it is believed to be caused by overly protective mothers, who manage to protect their children from disease during their childhood, but also create an illusion of invincibility.

Sock-up

Sock-up: noun. The period after Christmas known globally by all operators of waste incinerators. It is the large pile-up of socks, which are thrown away as presents, which were appreciated on Christmas Day, but as the owner realised their 'unique' colour decided to dispose of, for the sake of his entire close family. There have been movements to try and prevent sock-up every year, by destroying all awful socks, while still in stores. However all that this has achieved is the burning down of several Tesco stores, as well as others.

Fragment XI

Everything happened exactly as Lady Catherine instructed. There was an early lunch and afterwards everyone prepared or delegated the preparation of their belongings, so that everyone including Mr. Collins was outside the inn just as Mr. Babbage was walking into the courtyard.

“Ah, how excellent to see you all here! Elizabeth, Darcy how marvelous that you could come to join my little venture. And you must be the acquaintances that I’ve been informed about,”, then with a look of significant anxiety, “and of course Lady Catherine, without whom none of this would have been possible. How will I ever repay you?”

“Well, you can begin repaying me by taking my luggage and leading us to our destination swiftly and without inane detours.” was Lady Catherine’s ‘nonchalant’ reply.

Mr. Babbage immediately rushed over, somehow managed to accommodate all 7 of Lady Catherine’s suitcases and then proceeded to quickly begin walking out of the courtyard. As he did so, he also began to explain. “To those of you, who are new to this journey, I shall briefly explain what will soon begin to unfold. Around a year ago, my experiments lead to me to what I soon realised was a new source of a potentially unlimited source of power, specifically a source of kinetic energy for an object. I knew that this could have many extremely beneficial applications for society, however my inner child got the better of me and I sought out an investor, who would be willing to sponsor a trip into the night, specifically up through the atmosphere and beyond. And that’s how I stumbled upon Lady Catherine.” Babbage finished the last sentence with a shudder, but thankfully Lady Catherine didn’t notice.

Hilfrarious

Hilfrarious: adjective. Describing of the edge of a slope or hillock, which has been worn or strained due to constant rubbing. Essentially a hill that has been frayed. There I've given it to you on a platter. Hopefully at this point you can figure out which two words were combined to make this one; if not, then I am very very sorry. Anyhow, the word was first used by the polar explorer Roald Amundsen, during his time as a mountaineer, when he complained to Edmund Hillary about the state of Ben Nevis. The well known botanist Benjamin Nevis was of course insulted, as he didn't consider himself a hill.

Bloglog

Bloglog: noun. This refers to two similar and yet different things.

1. A record of all the posts published on a blog, beginning with the beginning of recorded time, generally then having a lot of blank space and then actually highlighting the posts of the blog. It is required by the United Nations that these logs begin with the beginning of time, so as to ensure continuity and absence of multiplicity.

2. A congestion of posts on a blog, which are scheduled to be published in the future, but until that happens, they create confusion in the schedule, resulting in the anxiety and stress of the author of such a blog and can even lead to cranial expansion/expulsions.

Gobbledygook

Gobbledygook: noun. Contrary to popular belief, this word does not describe a nonsensical language. Instead it refers to the consumption of a specific root-vegetable, which was grown by the Mesopotamians in the early history of civilisation. One of the earliest crops cultivated by the Sumerians was the 'gook', and once the cooking technique for this was perfected, it became the most popular dish in all of Mesopotamia from Ur to Nineveh. Hence the rapid consumption was of this commodity was referred to as gobbledygook. 

Misodevtera

Misodevtera: noun. A dislike of Mondays. This word comes from Ancient Greek and reflects several interesting things. Firstly it reflects the Greeks' dislike of a certain Japanese soup, as they were willing to make it their 'dislike' prefix. Next it also hints at the original point of Monday, as the second day of celebration, as 'detvera' literally translates as 'second in order'. Finally there is also interesting matter of The Boomtown Rats, who wanted to name their hit song this, however were threatened with a court case by the Greek government, and so had to settle for a far less catchy title.

Disimportance

Disimportance: noun. The state or fact of not being of great significance or value. This word was created by someone, somewhere, I mean who cares...really. There was this clever and very interesting back story that I'd come up with, I mean researched, but suddenly I don't really care if you find out, how unfortunate. I hope you drown in the sarcasm.

Mafeminism

Mafeminism: noun. The advocacy of women's rights by men. An increasingly popular trend, which has emerge in the last decade and is adopted by the majority of men, either to attract women or because it's seen as fashionable. The few genuine mafeminists are often times berated by those around them for being insincere and confused-looking.

Inadverbium

Inadverbium: noun. The philosophy that stresses the disimportance of adverbs in prose writing, as well as writing in general. This was conceived by author Michael Gilbert and the founding motto of the philosophical stance was then uttered by him, when giving literary advice to his daughter, the great Harriett Gilbert, "For God's sake, don't use adverbs." Since then this has been adopted by many literary figures, and some have taken it as far as to use only nouns and verbs in their writing, nothing else. That type of writing is known as "trash".

Fragment X

The sudden appearance of Lady Catherine was quite a shock for the entire party, and put quite a damper on everyone’s mood for conversing, except Lady Catherine’s own of course. In fact she dominated the conversation for the rest of the evening, discoursing at length about such varied topics as silk, skirts, shawls, gowns, gloves, evening wear, satin and tailors.

Everyone retired rather early, blaming the tiring journey, except for Mr. Collins, who was of course enthralled in the lecture, err...conversation. Eventually Mr. Collins must have nodded off, as he awoke in the same place in the morning and to his astonishment, found Lady Catherine in the same seat, with a different dress and a breakfast plate, still talking about lace. The rest of the company soon descended for dinner and when they discovered Lady Catherine still on her lecture tour, decided to move to a different part of the inn for breakfast.

However it wouldn’t be a tour without different lecturing halls, as Lady Catherine marched into the room, where Elizabeth, Charlotte and Darcy were attempting to have breakfast in peace, and continued to talk. However this time, she was discussing the plans for the day.

“Babbage has informed me of the recent developments this morning, before you all dignified u with waking up. He firmly believes that the craft shall be ready to depart in the early afternoon. Therefore I have organised the kitchen to serve an early lunch, after which Mr. Collins you shall pack my belongings and we shall all meet with Babbage in the courtyard to depart.”

Succint

Succint: adjective. Describing something, which is concisely, briefly and clearly explained, but is also incorrect. For example, if the definition for this word had been written as "Describing something, which is complexly explained", then that definition would be succinct. The theory behind the word is that famous lexicographer Anthony Allen once misspelt the word, but to not ruin his reputation, he then created the definition of the word. Really, quite sneaky of him.

Toism

Toism: noun. The school of thought that suggests that any infinitive in the English language must be preceded by the word "to". The English language can thank Richard Cawdrey for this ridiculous philosophical stance, when he decided to incorporate it into his dictionary in the early 17th century. The dictionary was a little bit rubbish anyway. Nevertheless the philosophy became immensely popular, so much so that in these modern days, very few people actually know that it's only a school of thought, rather than a rule or law. And yet wouldn't things be so much simpler if infinitives were as follows for example: Exist: have objective reality or being; live, especially under adverse conditions.

Happarise

Happarise: verb. To make something or someone happier or simply improve the mood of. This word was first introduced by Charles Babbage as part of the Movement for the Rationalisation of the English Language, when he realised that English lacked a word for this uncommon, but helpful action. Unfortunately because the world is such a dreary place, the word has been only used three times since it's creation. Twice in a history book about World War Two, first at the start of the war in relation to Hitler and then at the end of the war in relation to Churchill. The third account of the word is its use under undisclosed circumstances in Oxford, United Kingdom.

Adventageous

Adventageous: adjective. Describing something or someone, who or which takes advantage of the advent season. This can either be a clever marketing strategy to sell what are in fact absolutely awful chocolates, that nobody would eat willingly without incentive, or it can be someone who ignores his diet and personal prohibition because "it's the holidays, after all." The word was first used by market analyst John B. Furter, who made have had some angst built up inside him, because of a famous relation of his.

Staze

Staze: verb. To give such a strong and tantalising stare or gaze, so as to freeze the staree or gazee in place. This technique was frequently employed to an extreme effect by the Gorgons of Ancient Greece, who contrary to myth, were actually a family of highly skilled sculptors, who froze their subjects in place with their stare, while they carved their exact replicas out of marble. The rumour about snake-heads and other such nonsense was started by their rivals, a significantly less skilled family of sculptors. However their clever undermining strategy will soon be eradicated thanks to this blog.

Squeel

Squeel: verb. To create the sound of small wheels grazing against very polished linoleum and the resulting friction emanating an ear-piercing screech. One may say that this is an awfully specific sound, however only in the French part of Belgium, 7 donkeys were reported as having gone mad, due to incessant squeeling from a nearby parrot, who had spent too much time in a school and a supermarket.

Teein

Teein: noun. The chemical that exists in the human body, when during a game of golf the player succeeds in actually delivering the ball into the hole. The chemical is secreted by the pancreas and is essentially an amino acid with an added ketone group, as well as two additional benzene rings. The chemical was first isolated by avid golfer Robert Boyle (chemist in his spare time), after extracting the blood of 345 golfers during their game.

Fragment IX

Lady Catherine emerged from the kitchen looking slightly displeased and Mr. Collins squealed in joy.

“Lady Catherine! But what in the world are you doing here?” inquired Mr. Collins.

“Ah, Mr. Collins, excellent I was looking for you. I am here to oversee the completion of a commission by an employee of mine.” retorted Lady Catherine. A moan came forth from Mr. Darcy as two facts came together in his head. “A much better question, and one you should have answered without me having to ask it, is why in the world you are here Mr. Collins?” Lady Catherine turned her gaze towards Mr. Collins.

“Oh, um, well, you see, ah…” Mr. Collins yet again struggled for coherence.

“I believe I can explain that”, interjected Mr. Darcy, “I had forgotten that I met Babbage at one of your soirees Lady Catherine, but anyhow, we became acquainted and Babbage invited me and Elizabeth to come and see the completion of his creation. Mr. Collins and his wife came just in time to join us. And so here we are.”

“What a tremendously confusing explanation Fitzwilliam. You have much to learn in terms of rhetoric.” reprimanded Lady Catherine and Mr. Darcy did genuinely look hurt by the comment.

At this point Charlotte felt like she needed to interrupt. “Am I the only one, who doesn’t know or understand what this creation or invention is? I must say I’m rather confused.”

“Shush child, we’ll get to that.” silenced her Lady Catherine, “What is much more important now, is that supper is tended to. Elizabeth and Charlotte shall go and help that helpless fellow they call a cook here, while Fitzwilliam shall come and entertain me and my dear daughter, while Mr. Collins takes care of the carriages and horses. That’s why I was looking for you Mr. Collins.”

Quizissive

Quizissive: adjective. Describing someone who is obsessed with doing quizzes, whether that is on the internet, in newspapers, in pubs, with friends, alone, in his mind, out of his mind or elsewhere. This is a serious mental condition, which has been deemed extremely dangerous both to the sufferer and those around him. Therefore, if you or the people around you have been affected by being quizzisive, then do not hesitate to contact the appropriate authorities, i.e. The New York Times.

Spoorious

Spoorious: adjective. Not only being false or fake, pretending to be what it is not, but also extremely impoverished and poor. Essentially this was an example of the highest degree of Victorian insults. There exists one recorded case of its usage and that is by Queen Victoria, when she discovered that Sherlock Holmes was only a fictional character in a story. She used the word spoorious to refer to Doctor Watson and the impoverished part referred to his character development and mental capacity.

Invitus

Invitus: noun. A mostly unknown poem written by William Ernest Henley in 1874 and was meant as a predecessor for his later poem Invictus. However because the world is a dark, miserable and depressing place, only Invictus is remembered, while Invitus has fallen into obscurity. Historical restoration leads us to believe that the poem was about inviting one to share in the warmth of one's hearth. However the information is spurious. We have managed to recover two lines from the poem:

Under the nourishings of love
My head is rosy, cheeks flushed. 

Hoody

Hoody: 

1. noun. A hoodie, which has a design so that when someone puts it on, he appears to be Robin Hood. The only version of this ingenious art of clothing was created by Innovations Very Ltd. earlier this year and immediately went on sale. It was bought anonymously, but was later seen on the estate of a rather eccentric man from Shropshire, as he shot arrows at cows he had catapulted into the air with an actual catapult. 

2. adjective. Describing a story, which has the same story arc as that of Robin Hood, where some of the characters have different names and some minor details have been changed. As of this day, there have been 1,181, 573 cases of hoody films, novels, novellas, poems, epics or short stories.

Partialheimers

Partialheimers: noun. A medical condition, where the symptoms of Alzheimer's disease present themselves in a patient, who is much too young to suffer from the disease and they also aren't all of the symptoms. This particular disease was most prominent in the 18th century, where it happened to plague the majority of the Arabian peninsula and lead to what is known as "The Great Forgetting". It was later discovered that the disease is caused by a particular virus, which is transmitted from eating sand. It was then quite straightforward to eradicate the disease. And that is how the Sahara desert came to be.

Plattered

Plattered: adjective. This word has two very specific definitions, describing things in two different ways.

1. Describes a sound, if it resembles that of raindrops falling on metallic plates, which are made of iron, tin, nickel and copper and have an area of 2x5 metres. If the raindrops fall on anything else, then this word cannot be used to describe the sound. Sorry.
2. Describing something which resembles that plate, that's sort of like a plate for salad, but it isn't a bowl and it's too big to be a regular plate, and yet too small to be a platter. You know, that thing.

Calender

Calender: noun. In the early 1910's little notebooks, where people could record their plans for a specific set of days were becoming increasingly popular, however they were also incredibly expensive to produce. Hence a business started up, where a person bought this so called "calendar" and then rented it out to a large group of people, so that they could collectively write down their plans and afterwards rent it again, in case they needed to check what they'd written down. These people became known as calenders. Their business unfortunately went into decline with the invention of the lightbulb and there are currently only two functioning calenders still in the world, one in London and one in Quito.

Fragment VIII

Elizabeth was rather startled by what the haggard woman had spoken, but assumed that an entity was commplacent. She soon forgot about what the woman had said, as the carriages soon began to move again, being driven away from the inn by the wolves, which began to approach too close to the horses to Mr. Darcy’s liking.

The rest of their journey was rather uneventful, and they soon reached Hull. The sky had darkened even further. There was an eerie silence in the town, as lightning crashed across the sky and rain splattered down onto the half-cobbled and half-dirt road. There was a rather run-down establishment, which Mr. Darcy assured them was an excellent place to stay (he had business dealings in Hull and so knew the local area).

Mr. Collins was uncertain about the entire venture. He felt anxious about having abandoned Lady Catherine so, without informing her of his disobedience, and so was even more anxious than usual. However, his qualms were soon quelled, when he spotted a well-known carriage immediately next to the establishment, in which they were planning to spend the night. His suspicions were confirmed, when they entered the inn. Lady Catherine’s voice could be heard emanating from the kitchen, “No, no, no. You simply can’t put that in there, that seasoning would completely ruin the entire meal. Well, of course I’m not going to touch it! You’re the cook aren’t you?”

Waht

Waht: noun. Although commonly thought to be a typo by word-processing software, they are in fact horribly wrong, and it is due to a simple error in the programming of the earliest word-processor that this is the case. The word was incredibly popular in the 1950's and the 1960's, however due to an error while creating Astrotype, the word was omitted from its dictionary. This had such a tremendous impact, that in fact nobody knows anymore what the word actually meant.

Disestiflement

Disestiflement: noun. The act of making someone more comfortable or less stifled. Essentially this means to make one less restrained and more at ease with whatever it is that he may be doing. The word is most commonly used in the theatre and film business, where it is used on novice actors or actresses. For example the well-known Elizabeth Taylor enjoyed shouting: "Will you disestifle already? Goodness me, you look more uncomfortable than a sheep in a wool sweater." Especially at actors, who had never acted with her before.

Commplacent

Commplacent: adjective. Describing a type of person who is very lazy, but also very common, meaning he is sedentary and unlikely to move across a larger area. Interestingly the largest proportion of commplacent people is in this millennium in Mongolia, which is particularly interesting due to the nomadic nature of their ancestors. The word was first used by the explorer of the Arctic regions, who used it in association with a family of seals that he met while exploring, and who he met again 17 more times while going around in circles.

Michaelmasmass

Michaelmasmass: noun. The extent to which a family values and holds in high esteem and importance the festivities of Michaelmas. Essentially if a family has low michaelmasmass then they either don't consider Michaelmas at all important or don't actually know about the holiday. On the other hand a family with a high michaelmasmass is likely to hold Michaelmas in importance equal to that of Christmas or even higher. It is possible for a family, which does not honour Christmas to have a michaelmasmass, as they are not mutually exclusive, despite common sense.

Tealie

Tealie: noun. A tie or bowtie, which is teal in colour. These are particularly popular in Mardi Gras festivals and Christmas/Kwanzaa celebrations. Tealies were declared the fashion accessory of 2014 by the Bhutan version of Vogue. This is particularly interesting, as a recent survey conducted in Bhutan revealed that there had only been one tealie ever recorded or seen in Bhutan. This was by the explorer Marco Polo, who happened to wonder into the Bhutanese royal court while travelling on his hot air balloon with his pet sloth on a journey to Atlantis.

Smoge

Smoge: noun. The smoke created by a smogie. This word was first used in Dublin in 1907, when the concentration of smoge in the city was so high that it forced the majority of the population of the city to flee into the countryside, as well as killing over a million cats, rats and possums. Thanks to a strong-eco-friendly effort on part of James Joyce the city was cleaned and world-wide levels of smoge have since then remained low thanks to a worldwide increase in cigarette quality.