Lantern o'jack

Lantern o'jack: noun. On the eve of October 31st at 9pm, four children (Jack, Kathy, Wilhelm and Boris) were kidnapped from the streets of Akron, Ohio by a solitary man in his fifties, who then whisked them away to his solitary farm on the border of Ohio and Pennsylvania. The police conducted a state-wide search for the missing children, but it nevertheless took them almost two months to discover the lonely farm, by which time it was far too late for the children. And so on the eve of December 24th, Jack and Kathy's parents received the wondrous gifts of a Lantern o'jack and a game of 'Bobbing for organs'.

Bet you were waiting for that to become funny at some point...trick or treat?

Spuke

Spuke: noun. Eject matter from the stomach through the mouth, where the eject matter consists entirely of Halloween candy. Parents throughout the world gain great insight into spuke on the night of October 31st - November 1st and all those not in America curse the Americans for introducing such an awful holiday to their formerly peaceful, content and spuke-free country.

Slowa

Slowa: interjection. This word was never actually popular at any point in history, but when the word 'louda' was officially recognised, the Oxford English Dictionary decided that for the sake of consistency and symmetry they needed to include slowa as well, despite the fact it had probably never been uttered before then. This is in fact a practice performed by the OED multiple times in the past and has led to such words as 'incomplete', 'undead', and 'left'.

Louda

Louda: interjection. A deformation and cannibalisation of the word 'louder' used so often in the 1960s and 1870s that it became necessary for the word to become part of common speech. In fact it was voted the word of the year in 1965. It was preceded by 'khaki' in 1964 and 'chartreuse' in 1966.

Pageination

Pageination: noun. The process of converting a poor, helpless boy into a traditional young male servant. Pageination experienced its renaissance in the early 19th century, where the only people protesting against the practice was the National Women's Girls Association, which felt that it was unfair that only boys had the opportunity of undergoing pageination. 

Chanteuse

Chanteuse: verb. To say or shout repeatedly to an audience of businesspeople, who have absolutely no sense of humour or fun. Chanteusing is particularly common at new product presentations and developer conferences, where, as it is commonly known, those people, that you see roaming the streets seemingly half-heartedly searching for something funny or something they could laugh at, congregate.

Deselytise

Deselytise: verb. To try and dissuade people from from joining a religion, cause or group. This is often employed by members of the Church of Atheism, who try and prevent perfectly normal people from exercising their freedom of choice and the ability to do with their lives whatever they like. There are some cynics who would argue that atheism in itself has become a religion, but those guys are just wackos.

Strifle

Strifle: noun. A prototype gun created in Google's secret labs, which instead of shooting a projectile, causes the target to feel a bitter and angry disagreement and disappointment with whatever he is doing at the time. Really we shouldn't be telling you about this, because it is still very much a secret project. In fact, WHY WOULD I TELL YOU ALL THIS? IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. I HATE MYSELF FOR THIS!! WHAT HAVE I DONE?????

Threshould

Threshould: auxiliary verb. Used to indicate either that a person must or ought to step over a barrier or obstacle or that three people ought or must to do something. The past tense of threshall. It is used in such sentences as: "Jamie, Michael and Philomena threshould go talk to the police about the body they found in the forest yesterday, but they're afraid to admit they first tried to cook it over a campfire, thinking it was a doe.

Kurtness

Kurtness: noun. The extent to which someone is like a Kurt. This is based on an extensive longitudinal study conducted in 1996, in which the extent to which all males, based on their names, are close to being a Kurt. As a baseline, the name Kurt was given a Kurtness number of 100. All names following then will have a lower Kurtness number and the closer to a 100 their score is, the more they are like a Kurt. The name Karl for example has a Kurtness score of 94, while both the names Geoff and Kanye have a Kurtness score of 24.

Craul

Craul: verb. An alternate spelling for the word 'crawl', used particularly on the Shetland islands and in Namibia. It is thought by etymologists that this wasn't simply a natural change from Old and Middle English, but instead it was a conscious change by the Shetlanders and Namibians to differentiate them in at least some aspect from everyone else.

Savisage

Savisage: noun. The face and expression of a person presenting fierceness and hatred. This word emerged out of the Movement for the Rationalisation of the English Language, and was used specifically to describe the faces of the opponents of the movements, as they observed the continued successes of the movement in removing ridiculous words and phrases from the English language.

Contitent

Contitent: noun. A term used in science-fiction to describe a large land mass that is satisfied with its shape and location on its planet and so does not have any wish to move or change. This word was first used by Isaac Asimov, although his literary agent immediately claimed that the word was simply a spelling error. Asimov continued to claim the novelty of the word and a bitter rivalry developed between the author and his agent. The feud hasn't been solved to this day and it continues amongst their respective estates.

Entschuldigah

Entschuldigah: noun. A word often exclaimed by tourists in German-speaking countries after having accidentally run into someone, stepped on someone's toe, or spilling someone's drink, but realising that in their current state of not quite-sobriety they'll never make it to the end of the word and might as well give up now. Due to the popularity of the word amongst English speakers, it has been added to various official dictionaries, such as that of the University of Northumberland.

Fwee

Fwee: interjection. A word exclaimed by someone who has just been kicked in the rear end by a donkey or ass whilst also being on a bus heading for El Paso either from Dallas, TX or Anchorage, AK, having the previous night stayed in a hotel that only showed reruns of terrible TV sitcoms from the 2020s and also having spent at least 43.24 minutes in the company of at least 2 Speakers of the United States House of Representatives.

Staye

Staye: noun. Accommodation or a period of staying as a visitor or guest in an inne. This word was created by a Richard Murphy, who was angry at the abuse of silly suffixes preserved from Middle and Old English, which were being abused by the proprietors of expensive, but flimsy accommodation establishments and created this word as a mockery of their supposed wit.

Trape

Trape: verb. To trap someone or something using only tape and one other object of the person setting the trap's choice. There is only one account in all of history of someone being trapead. It occurred in 1987, when a man was caught and subsequently mauled by a liger after being caught in a vending machine, which contained a cleverly concealed bear trap, secured in the vending machine using a large amount of tape.

Examplary

Examplary: adjective. Referring to a test, assessment or quiz that has been particularly well-created and should be used as a standard to uphold other forms of assessment to, due to its superior quality. The most examplary quiz in history was created in a public school in Bedfordshire, but it is believed that due to its almost unattainable perfection, it was confiscated by the global government to be used when the global education crisis final reaches its climax.

Aforeaforementioned

Aforeaforementioned: adjective. Referring to something, which has already been mentioned in a sentence or conversation twice before and hence the word 'aforementioned' isn't satisfactory for explaining the relevancy and recurring nature of the word in the conversation. The word was first introduced by William Shakespeare in one of his many lost plays, this one specifically from the historical tragedy 'Hammurabi and Code', where the tragic heroine Code sacrifices herself and protects her lover Hammurabi from the oncoming Assyrian armies by throwing herself with her spears and daggers into the midst of the battle.

Extrapole

Extrapole: verb. To rescue a Polish person from a tricky or unpleasant situation and then subsequently explain said tricky and unpleasant situation to those who caused the aforementioned tricky and unpleasant situation, whilst utilising the aforementioned Polish person as a prop to explain the aforeaforementioned tricky and unpleasant situation.

Ciclycal

Ciclycal: adjective. Referring to something that occurs in backwards cycles or is backwardly recurrent. For example, consider a Phoenix, who is born old from a flame and then grows younger and younger until he hides himself in an egg, at which point the egg erupts in flames and an old phoenix is born from the flame once again. The life of this phoenix could be called ciclycal from the point of view of a regular, quite ordinary phoenix.

Redract

Redract: verb. To remove a dragon from a scenario or situation, where he was deemed to have been erroneously placed. Redraction is often employed by non-fantasy writers who suffered from a brief case of phantasmagoria and included a dragon in their otherwise perfectly sensible story. Nevertheless this has sparked the creation of an online community dedicated to imagining works of literature before they were redracted. The highlights include the dragon that east Raskolnikov in Dostoevsky's seminal work, as well as the Chocolate-breathing dragon in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Prisee

Prisee: noun. The poor soul that is at the receiving end of being prised out of/from something. The earliest example of this is from a news report published in 1934 in an undisclosed country, wherein the following sentence appeared: "After being rescued from the lavatory, the thankful prisee rewarded his rescuer by running naked through the streets of REDACTED naked while screaming the true name of Lucifer."

Catastroclysm

Catastroclysm: noun. Quite literally the biggest disaster that could possibly, imaginably happen ever.  No event in history has even come close to being apt for this word to be used to describe it. If the super volcano underneath Yellowstone Nat'l Park ever does erupt, then the word may be a suitable choice, but even then it would be debatable. A potentially sufficiently-dangerous scenario would be if a meteor was crashing into the Earth as a pandemic was spreading across the globe, the super volcano was exploding and the Spice Girls were considering reforming for a come-back tour.

Withe

Withe: conjunction article. This is yet another, and the newest, creation of the modern trend to condense the English language as much as physically and literally possible. As is hopefully obvious to the ordinary reader withe is a combination of the words 'with' and 'the'. Thus it can be used in sentences such as: "I went to the zoo to observe the vultures withe guy I'd met in the torture museum."

Sumday

Sumday: noun. 'Sumday, bloody Sumday' is a phrase in the banker jargon, which refers to the ominous day when the precarious and largely imaginary foundation that the world economy is built upon collapses and the banking community finally has to sum up and own up for the colossal disaster that they will have at that point caused. There are various theories, of varying scientific verisimilitude, as to what will happen after Sumday. Some particularly apocalyptic fanatics believe that communism will rise in its ultimate form and take over the world, while more realistic folk believe that the world will simply cease to exist, except for  a bowl of petunias and a sperm whale.

Cicadian

Cicadian: adjective. This word is only found in natural language in conjunction with 'rhythm' in the phrase 'cicadian rhythm'. This refers to a person's sleep-wake cycle, when it is completely in the control of stupid, bloody-annoying angry crickets that just won't shut up. People with a cicadian rhythm are known to wake up at godforsaken hours of the night, due to incessant buzzing and chirping. Psychologists are currently investigating the apparent correlation between increase in violence and a cicadian rhythm.

Aspecial

Aspecial: adjective. Describing something which is entirely not special; a synonym for the word 'normal'. Legend claims that the word was created by the Knights of the Round Table as a cunning form of cypher, which they then employed to insult Sir Lancelot, without him realising he was being insulted. Since then the word has been employed to great success by bullies around the globe.

Askbomb

Askbomb: noun. A sudden and wholly unexpected query asked by someone in a non-chalant manner. The word is commonly used in the following sentence, usually by someone telling a story of a humorous, but slightly distressing event that occurred in their past: "And then he/she dropped the askbomb!" Askbombs are considered abominations of etiquette by the Venezuelan Gentlemen's Club.

Palindrone

Palindrone: noun. An unmanned combat aerial vehicle designed to target Sarah Palin and commissioned by the Union of Slightly Angry Democrats in Idaho (USADI). The crafts were commissioned by the USADI back in 1998, during her tenure as the mayor of Wasilla. However the factory commissioned to create the craft went out of business early in 1999 and so the USADI had to wait until 2006, when they finally found another manufacturer willing to produce the vehicles.

Epitomy

Epitomy: noun. Pity for someone or something who/which is the perfect example of a particular quality or type. This is very common amongst the bourgeoisie, who look upon the pinnacles of human existence or creation and pity them for having the difficult task of being the greatest thing/person ever born/created. Epitomy resonates so much with the middle class that it has been classified by some as the defining trait of the common people.