Rapitalism

Rapitalism: noun. The word Rapitalism is central to two very different ideologies.
1. The belief that all wealth should naturally belong to the better rapper.
2. The belief that all women naturally belong to the better rapi - I mean rabbit.

Soakialism

Soakialism: noun. The belief that everyone must be of the same degree of wetness. Many attempts have been made to promote Soakialism around the world. For example, it used to be the law in Scotland that whenever it started raining, everyone had to run out into the streets naked to get equally wet. However, this law often came under attack as the different shapes of people always led to some degree of inequality.

Xpearience

Xpearience: noun. An experience concerning pears. It can be used in sentences like:
"What's your favourite Xpearience?"
"Well, there was this one time that I found a pear and I -"
*snore, snore, snore*
"Never mind"

Sodamasochism

Sodamasochism: noun. Sodamasochism is what happens when soda starts to flog itself, whether the sode concerned happens to be baking soda, soda drinks or baking soda volcanoes. Sodamasochism is also quite common among dyslexic people, although it is quite unclear how much pleasure they can gain from it.

Flagjellant

Flagjellant: noun. A person who likes to flog himself with a flag. The most painful form of flagjellantism is the one practiced in Nepal, as flagjellants from Nepal use their own country's spiky flag, which digs into flesh far more effectively. Contrary to popular belief, a flagjellant is not a flagellant who whips his flesh until it effectively becomes jelly, but we do hope that you have understood this fact prior to us pointing it out.   

Flogarithm

Flogarithm: noun. The word flogarithm denotes flogging at regular intervals. Often used during the Renaissance period when old techniques of punishment met modern ideas about mathematics and music, flogarithms are now no longer displayed publicly, but still remain an integral practice in the bedrooms of sadomasochists. 

Fragment III:

At length, Mr and Mrs Collins made it to Pemberley. As Mr Collins clambered out of the carriage, he fell face down into a pile of dog poo, but this didn’t seem to matter much considering the state he was already in.

“Darling,” Mrs Collins called after him as she pulled a herring out of her heaving bosom, “are you all right?”

“Yes, love,” Mr Collins replied, opening his mouth in a way so stupid that some of the excrement fell onto his tongue, “Although I have eaten better.”

Mrs Collins squeezed herself past the luggage onto the fresh air. The colour immediately rushed back into her cheeks. “Oh Derbyshire,” she sighed with delight. Mr Collins stood up, his round face brown and his hair sticking upwards covered in herring oil, vomit and doggie doo, all making him look rather sporklike. Charlotte did not wish to see and turned her face towards the walls of Pemberley instead.

“Just like on the postcard,” she remarked.

The two began to take out their luggage, restocking all bags that had to be restocked with the herrings that had fallen out. Charlotte opened a secret compartment in her handbag to take out her perfume, which she immediately sprayed all over herself and her belongings, leaving only Mr Collins smelling like a humid fish with diaorrhea. Quite rightly, she concluded that spraying perfume on him would be a terrible waste that wouldn’t really fix anything. She walked up the steps and rang the doorbell, which was soon followed by a slight creeking noise.

“Lizzy, so lovely to see you!”

Rakeoon

Rakeoon: noun. There are two very different definitions for the word rakeoon, which are listed below (however, we were asked to put a space in between them so as to not stir up conflict between the users of each):

1. A giant sporklike rake used for raking as well as for digging. Its usefulness is disputed for both of these purposes.

2. A raccoon employed as a leaf cleaner.

Sporklike

Sporklike: adjective. An adjective denoting the qualities of a spork. Not to be confused with the words porklike, sportlike, corklike, forklike and especially not with the word spoonlike - one can see how easy it would be to make such grave mistake. The question that usually arises though, is what exactly about a spork is sporklike. Is it the merging of forklike and spoonlike qualities or is it a wider range of qualities like being spiky, round and metallic at the same time? That truly is a question.

Blalnd

Blalnd: noun. A bald blonde. One of the most tragic things you could ever see. In fact, according to Forbes' list of the most tragic images, a blalnd is 5102nd right after an eagle with its head stuck in a blow-drier and a raccoon stuck in a washing machine. Flagellant blalnds will be happy to note though that they are considered more tragic than topless mushrooms, unemployed monkeys and wet kittens.

Stanism

Stanism: noun. The belief that Stan is the answer to life, death and everything in between. The notable exception to this rule is pumpkin pie, as no one can be powerful enough to hold down the power of something so glorious. A person with such belief system is most commonly referred to as a Stanist. An example of the word used in a sentence would be "Stanists have firm stances on Stanism."

Compear

Compear: verb. There are two commonly used senses of the word compear.
1. To make a comparison between a pear and something that is not a pear.
2. To make a comparison between two pears.
3. To make a comparison between an apple product and something that is not an apple product.
The word can be used in sentences like: "You can't compear pears to apples, because they are so different. If you want to compear something properly, do it with pears and pears. Alternatively, you could also try compearing Apple products to those of Samsung.

Appel

Appel: verb. The act of pleading in court on behalf of an apple. The most famous occurrence of an appel dates back to twentieth century USSR. To sum up the court case, a former official of the Communist party was blamed for assaulting an apple without doing so in the name of the proletariat. As the apple could not sue him by itself because of how bashed up it was, the case was taken up by an agent of the KGB who presented a very convincing appel that led to the arrest of the former official, followed by his execution and hard labour in Siberia.

i

i: pronoun. Unlike I, i is a pronoun that could best be summed up as the first case of the halfth person. The halfth person is used almost as the first person, only by people who are missing a half of their body or a half of their mind; the latter occurrence could be the result of fatigue or simple lobotomy. The only difference between the halfth person and the first person is that the aforementioned "I" takes the form i and is read as the "i" in "in."

Part II

It took about two weeks for Mr Collins to depart from his sweet wife, who rejoiced at the fact that she would finally have some time for herself. This joy did not last too long though, as Lady Catherine’s severe punishment was soon extended to her too by association. And so the two packed their suitcases with several herrings and left for Derbyshire, somewhat reconciled with their fates and yet hopeful that they might return by the time that Charlotte’s baby, which she was carrying for three months by then, could be presented on its first day to its glorious future patrons, Lady Catherine and her daughter.

“I didn’t tell Lizzy that we were coming, my love,” Charlotte moaned in the carriage, slightly worried and feeling very sick.

“Do not worry, my dearest,” Mr Collins attempted a consoling tone, “my God, you are as green as an olive branch! Here, have some gascream.” Mr Collins handed his wife a container he had brought along, but Charlotte did not seem too happy. She looked around in deprivation until Mr Collins finally broke the silence with the words, “Oh dear me, I didn’t give you a spoon.”

As he bent forward amidst the luggage and rotting herrings that had been spillt over the floor to look for the spoon, Charlotte’s face twisted and turned. The smell of herrings was as thick as her husband’s skull and her head reeled in confused thoughts about her husband, Lizzy, Lady Catherine, Derbyshire, her family and rotting herrings. Finally, she clutched her stomach in agony and threw up all over her husband’s back.

“Ooh, a warm breeze,” Mr Collins remarked with pleasure, “how delightful. Only it is a little damp - must be the stuffiness of the place.”

And on they travelled for a few more days. All along, Mr Collins never noticed he had vomit on his back, and his wife was only too happy for that as she wasn’t prepared to keep giving him new clothes. At least he served her well as a vomit absorber and in any case, the smell could never be bad enough to overpower that of the fish. 

Plumder

Plumder: verb. To plunder a plum tree, usually for plums. Contrary to popular belief though, plumbering doesn't just happen for the lack of plums. Many plumderers plumder for random articles that may be of value, such as plum leaves, plum wood and the occasional twenty carat diamond. 

Vindictator

Vindictator: noun. A person who claims absolute power over a piece of land or community of people on the basis of being wronged before. It isn't really important whether the vindictator was wronged by the specific group of people he or she is ruling. In fact, it is more desirable for the vindictator to be wronged by someone completely unconnected, as he or she will feel less compelled to randomly take revenge on his or her subjects.

Rocktopus

Rocktopus: noun. A rock guitarist who plays so fast that to the audience he appears to have eight hands. In old English, however, a rocktopus was more often than not an octopus who liked to wear rocks as a fashionable accessory. With the increase in popularity of rock-stars and the decline of octopus fashion sense, the older meaning completely gave way to the new one and the only people who will still call octopi with rocks on their heads rocktopi are pompous old men wearing monocles.  

Shorrow

Shorrow: noun. The melancholy song of a beached whale. It's sad, really. Look into its eyes and see how the salty water is flowing down its cheeks like streams of giant tears - only you know they aren't tears, but it does not lessen the tragedy of the situation in any way. You know the right thing to do. Yes. Gather all your might and push it back into the sea. With the power of its god Poseidon, you yourself can rescue this beached whale... go out there and make a difference!

Parasparagus

Parasparagus: noun. Besides being a popular Roman name, the word parasparagus denotes an asparagus somehow gone wrong. Dysfunctions that would earn an asparagus the title of parasparagus could include overt chewiness, overt woodiness, overt tastiness, overt sugar content and overt ovary productivity within its reproductive organs. In many countries, the proper reaction to being served a parasparagus with overt ovary productivity is ovation.  

Pokesman

Pokesman: noun. An elected official for a group of individuals whose chief duty it is to poke people. This word is not to be confused with the words 'pokemon,' 'pacman' or 'poked salmon' and especially not with the equally obscure word smokepan, an instrument often used to collect and solidify smoke, the users of which run around looking a bit like butterfly chasers.

Messyah

Messyah: noun. The prophet of dirtiness, filth and general disorganisation. Most of his followers are children, though it does seem that the Messyah has gained plenty of followers among the newly rich of formerly poor countries, such as Russia, China and Saudi Arabia.

Fragment I:

Due to the disruption of our former story with a weird mini-epic about a certain Mary and an obese lamb, we have fallen behind with obtaining and posting updates about our parallel universe, causing plenty of confusion. After the accidental homicide of several hundred raccoons, we have come to the conclusion that we shall discontinue both of the stories rather than sticking to an earlier proposed plan of fusing the two storylines together, as the other option would require far too much effort and would probably cause an unnecessary cultural clash between Herb from a parallel universe and Mary from the equally puzzling Scotland. We have, therefore, not only decided to change the fragment names from letters to Roman numerals, but also changed the topic of our discourse. Observing the popularity of fan fiction in the recent days, we have been led to vote for that genre and shall stick to it for at least another week. The topic (at least for now), is Pride and Prejudice in Space...

"Mr Collins!" Lady Catherine shouted irately, "I thought I made myself perfectly clear when I said that your quest was to find a shrubbery and not a blubbery!"

Mr Collins began to stutter, "L-l-l-lady Ca-catherine, I am perfectly aware of your most sacred instructions upon the topic of gardening and the planting of small bushes, hedges, flower beds -"

"Then why," Lady Catherine screamed, "did you not follow them?"

"Well, you see, I thought that the effect of the little path down the middle between the one hedge and the other could be better achieved with blubber than with conventional greenery and the fact is that-"

"I have heard enough!" Lady Catherine cut him short, "You have failed, Mr Collins. Your punishment shall be most severe."

"No, no, no, not the soft cushions!!!" Mr Collins pleaded.

"No... your offence was far graver than that... it was even too grave for a comfy chair..."

Mr Collins verdurated in horror.

"You..." Lady Catherine paused slightly, shocked that she should ever utter a punishment so severe as this, "shall travel to Derbyshire and cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with... a herring!"

"It can't be done!" Mr Collins screamed.

At that precise moment, a group of at least eight fairies flew into the room with sparks flying around them as if they were being burnt at the stake (which would still, of course, be a far more merciful punishment than cutting down the mightiest tree in Derbyshire with a herring).

"Of course it can be done," said the blonde one with the tall heels "All you have to do is believe in yourself!"

With those wise words, the fairies flew out again, leaving behind an inspired Mr Collins with glittering eyes and a radiance that he seemed to have borrowed from Buddha.

"And so to Derbyshire I shall depart," He proclaimed.

   

Blubbery

Blubbery: adjective or noun.
1. As an adjective, the word blubbery refers to something with the qualities of blubber, the thick layer of vascularised adipose tissue found under the skin of cetaceans, pinnipeds and sirenians.
2. As a noun, the word blubbery refers to an outdoor garden display of thickly planted blubber. It is advised to purchase two blubberies and place one only slightly higher so it gets a two level effect with a little path going down the middle.

Germophone

Germophone: noun. The word germophone has several possible meanings:
1. One who speaks germanely.
2. One who speaks the language of germs.
3. One who speaks to the Austrian dish called germknödel.
Clearly, it is possible for a person to fullfil more than one of these criterions, as it is very easy to have a pertinent conversation with a giant plum filled dumpling.

Spikeful

Spikeful: adjective. The quality of being full of spikes. It is a common misconception that hedgehogs are spiky rather than spikeful. In fact, they are both, as spikes tend to grow from the inside to the outside, meaning that most spikes are both in and out of a hedgehog at the same time. What people also tend not to realise is that baby hedgehogs are spikeful rather than spiky, since it takes a few days for their spikes to actually start coming out from under their skin after birth.

Nunununununiumisation

Nunununununiumisation: noun. Recalling the good old days when we posted our first word ununununiumisation which, with its good nature and childhearted simplicity, we now see almost as a baby´s first word, we have to fill in a gap that must have left our readers wondering: can a nun undo unununium? Our answer to this is: yes. A nun can undo unununium - or ununununiumise - if she happens to be the fortunate person who does come up with a new name for it, in which case she will be the first and probably last person to Nunununununiumise. 

Bisickle

Bisickle: noun. The most powerful weapon of a dedicated Communist. A bisickle is a sickle that faces both sides, enabling increased efficiency in reaping. While many evil Capitalists have suggested that bisickles are dangerous to their users, it is obvious that they are only jealous, as the following testimony of Ivan the farmer proves: "The reason why I lost my whole arm while operating a bisickle is not due to its dangerous potential but due to the fact that one day, I was working on my field when an evil Capitalist came up to me and tried to steal it from me, saying that Uncle Sam needs it for his country. I saved it, but lost my hand... glory to the Motherland!"

Notice to Readers 2

We have come back from Nigeria to verify for ourselves what has only gotten to us through rumours: that the insane Scotsman we left in charge of the blog and gave money to for doing so was growing more insane every day and, what is more, no one understood him. A quick google search also revealed that he was only using already existing names of towns and giving definitions to them, which is the most terrible display of a lack of imagination on his part. For these reasons, we have come back to restore the blog to its former glory. (the fact that the Nigerian king's email was a fraud and we only had enough money to buy plane tickets back had absolutely no impact on our decision)

Cowdenbeath

Cowdenbeath: verb. To cowdenbeath is to baythe a cow in a den. Wheyle the porpose of doihng somthin leyke this is dispyutable, the ohrigin of this word is lehss soh. Linguists have trayced the word cowdenbeath back to an ahncient, humbly brought up king whu belivved that cows werre the incahrnation of Sahtan. At beying ohffered veal, the king wuld always shewt: "Cows, dem beasts!" but becauhse he had a lisp, it sewnded mohre leyke "Cow, dem beath!" The hard-of-hirring sehrvants thought that the king was vehry heyginnick aboot his fud and wahn'ed his cows bahthed beforre beying sehrved. How the den helped, no one rilly knyuw, but they saw that the king was beying vehry persihstent aboot this detayl and so theyy chohse to obeyy on that matterr.   

Gargunnock

Gargunnock: verb. To man a piess of leyght armamehnt atop of a veyicle. A pehrson who ohperaytes this machinn is noht culled a gargunnocker but a gargunner, which is vehry lohgical, as we also happen to cull a certain bird a "roadrunner" rather than a "roadrunnocker" - theh'res rison in ehvrything. Farthermohrre, the word gargunnock is noht to be maddled up with other things that ahlso start with the le'ers "gar," as for some rison, they yusully happen to denohte fictional characters, such as Garfield, Gargamel and Gargantua. Wun particularrity aboot these characters is that they'rre rather large in sohme way or another (Gargantua in heiyght, Garfield in width and Gargamel in comparison to the Smurfs), which is an ehxtra (and I daresay queyte valid) rison whey not to confyuse thehm with ohperayting a piess of leyght (and theref'r small) machin'ry.  

Fragment E:

Thohse plohnkers whu stahrted this trahdition of maehking spehcial Sundy pohsts must haev been out of theyre meynds treying to come up with something soh tediyus. The thought of which mayde me realeyse: Since they profehss to haev no interneht connehction, they will hardly feynd out if Ey dohn't do the Sundy story... well thats an ehxtra half an hour to drink whisky and Irn bru!

Moneydie

Moneydie: imperative verb. The word moneydie is queyte yunique as it ohnly exihsts in the impehrative form. Taeken to minn somthin leyke "oh perish thou veyle form of currency," it is vehry yussful when assehssing the twisted valyues of mohdern materialist sohceyety, the discuhssion of which can ahlways be wehll concludded bey uttering the phrase "moneydie!"

Cowie

Cowie: noun or adjective. Behohld the pow'rr of the greyt hornid word that hohlds such plehntiniss of diffrent fayces:
1. Noun: A small cow.
2. Noun: An infanteyle cow.
3. Noun: A small infanteyle cow.
4. Adjective: Leyke a cow.
5. Adjective: Leyke a small cow.
6. Adjective: Leyke an infanteyle cow.
7. Adjective: Leyke a small infanteyle cow. 

Wormit

Wormit: verb, noun or interjection. The word wormit has sehv'ral pohssible dehfinitions, the mohst friquintly yused of which arre the fohllowing:
1. Verb: To ruin somthin with the prehsence of worms, as in the seh'ence: "He snickily wormitted the flewer."
2. Noun: Sleymy, wreything and disguhsting vermin, such as worms.
3: Interjection: An exclamahtion utt'rr'd in shohck ov'rr somthin spoiyled, as in "Oh wormit! Mey piey has gohne bad!"  

Teasses

Teasses: plural noun. The word teasses has the fohllowing twu minnings:
1. Tea-leyke dohnkeys (whuse resehmblance to tea culd be caused bey tea-bag-string-leyke taihls or perhaps tea-leaf-leyke irrs).
2. Tea-leyke buttocks.