Flogarithm

Flogarithm: noun. The word flogarithm denotes flogging at regular intervals. Often used during the Renaissance period when old techniques of punishment met modern ideas about mathematics and music, flogarithms are now no longer displayed publicly, but still remain an integral practice in the bedrooms of sadomasochists. 

Fragment III:

At length, Mr and Mrs Collins made it to Pemberley. As Mr Collins clambered out of the carriage, he fell face down into a pile of dog poo, but this didn’t seem to matter much considering the state he was already in.

“Darling,” Mrs Collins called after him as she pulled a herring out of her heaving bosom, “are you all right?”

“Yes, love,” Mr Collins replied, opening his mouth in a way so stupid that some of the excrement fell onto his tongue, “Although I have eaten better.”

Mrs Collins squeezed herself past the luggage onto the fresh air. The colour immediately rushed back into her cheeks. “Oh Derbyshire,” she sighed with delight. Mr Collins stood up, his round face brown and his hair sticking upwards covered in herring oil, vomit and doggie doo, all making him look rather sporklike. Charlotte did not wish to see and turned her face towards the walls of Pemberley instead.

“Just like on the postcard,” she remarked.

The two began to take out their luggage, restocking all bags that had to be restocked with the herrings that had fallen out. Charlotte opened a secret compartment in her handbag to take out her perfume, which she immediately sprayed all over herself and her belongings, leaving only Mr Collins smelling like a humid fish with diaorrhea. Quite rightly, she concluded that spraying perfume on him would be a terrible waste that wouldn’t really fix anything. She walked up the steps and rang the doorbell, which was soon followed by a slight creeking noise.

“Lizzy, so lovely to see you!”