Messyah

Messyah: noun. The prophet of dirtiness, filth and general disorganisation. Most of his followers are children, though it does seem that the Messyah has gained plenty of followers among the newly rich of formerly poor countries, such as Russia, China and Saudi Arabia.

Fragment I:

Due to the disruption of our former story with a weird mini-epic about a certain Mary and an obese lamb, we have fallen behind with obtaining and posting updates about our parallel universe, causing plenty of confusion. After the accidental homicide of several hundred raccoons, we have come to the conclusion that we shall discontinue both of the stories rather than sticking to an earlier proposed plan of fusing the two storylines together, as the other option would require far too much effort and would probably cause an unnecessary cultural clash between Herb from a parallel universe and Mary from the equally puzzling Scotland. We have, therefore, not only decided to change the fragment names from letters to Roman numerals, but also changed the topic of our discourse. Observing the popularity of fan fiction in the recent days, we have been led to vote for that genre and shall stick to it for at least another week. The topic (at least for now), is Pride and Prejudice in Space...

"Mr Collins!" Lady Catherine shouted irately, "I thought I made myself perfectly clear when I said that your quest was to find a shrubbery and not a blubbery!"

Mr Collins began to stutter, "L-l-l-lady Ca-catherine, I am perfectly aware of your most sacred instructions upon the topic of gardening and the planting of small bushes, hedges, flower beds -"

"Then why," Lady Catherine screamed, "did you not follow them?"

"Well, you see, I thought that the effect of the little path down the middle between the one hedge and the other could be better achieved with blubber than with conventional greenery and the fact is that-"

"I have heard enough!" Lady Catherine cut him short, "You have failed, Mr Collins. Your punishment shall be most severe."

"No, no, no, not the soft cushions!!!" Mr Collins pleaded.

"No... your offence was far graver than that... it was even too grave for a comfy chair..."

Mr Collins verdurated in horror.

"You..." Lady Catherine paused slightly, shocked that she should ever utter a punishment so severe as this, "shall travel to Derbyshire and cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with... a herring!"

"It can't be done!" Mr Collins screamed.

At that precise moment, a group of at least eight fairies flew into the room with sparks flying around them as if they were being burnt at the stake (which would still, of course, be a far more merciful punishment than cutting down the mightiest tree in Derbyshire with a herring).

"Of course it can be done," said the blonde one with the tall heels "All you have to do is believe in yourself!"

With those wise words, the fairies flew out again, leaving behind an inspired Mr Collins with glittering eyes and a radiance that he seemed to have borrowed from Buddha.

"And so to Derbyshire I shall depart," He proclaimed.