Swahilly

Swahilly: adjective. An adjective used to summarise the fact that the six tallest mountains in Africa are all in the zone under the cultural influence of the Swahili language. The word can be used in mundane sentences exchanged among travellers, such as:

"Kenya is very Swahilly"
"That's a rather redundant sentence. Saying that Kenya is very Swahilly is like saying that Portugal is very Iberian."
"Well all right, Mr Smarty pants, how would you use the word Swahilly correctly in a sentence?"
"I wouldn't."

Notice that in the above conversation, the only correct use of the word Swahilly occurs in the last sentence.

Saphire

Saphire: noun. The word saphire, pronounced "sap-high-err," means to hire a sap (otherwise called plant fluid). We are quite unsure why one would hire the fluid circulating in the vascular system of a plant, so we conjecture you may have been looking for the word SAPhire, the hiring of any of the following:
1. Seminal Acid Phosphatase, an enzyme produced by the prostate,
2. Self-Avoiding Polygon, a mathematical object of geometry.
3. Shrimp Alkaline Phosphatase, an alkaline phosphatase from a species of arctic shrimp,
4. Strong Anthropic Principle, the idea that the universe must inherently produce life,

Outertwined

Outertwined: adjective. While being intertwined is the state of being twisted with or closely connected to someone or something, being outertwined is the state of being absolutely separate or disconnected from someone or something.

Fragment XXIV

Mr Darcy grew red. "What do you mean to say, Babbage?" He demanded.

"Merely that I, as head of this cruise, absolutely reject going back to earth before doing some major work in furthering the knowledge of humanity."

Mr Darcy was about to say something but was interrupted by Mrs Hurst's arrival from the toilet. Being a lady, she immediately recognised the tension in the air and froze in her footsteps, thinking that the tension was caused by her. She stood a moment, deep in thought, until she finally realised what she might have done wrong and rushed back into the bathroom. The company was too confused by this dramatic event to return to its previous conversation.

Only when Mrs Hurst came back the second time did Mary make some stray observation about the plans of mice and men often going wrong, after which Lydia snorted and Mr Wickham yawned. It was then that Mr Darcy realised that Elizabeth's wish for her family to be on board with her by default included his most hated adversary.

Mr Darcy turned even redder.

Mr Wickham turned white.

Mr Collins turned green and vomitted.

Dragon

Dragon: verb. A contraction of the words "drag on," describing what happens when an activity spreads out over a tediously long period of time. Fun fact: the word "a" is the word with the highest letter "a" saturation in the English language.

Horsiculture

Horsiculture: noun. The science dealing with the cultivation of horses and like creatures to make them suitable for helping in agricultural practices. Contary to popular belief, breeding unicorns suitable for agriculture would technically be possible, as the creature which the Bible calls a unicorn and about which the Bible claims it will not plough fields is, by most accounts, not a horse-like creature and either refers to the extinct aurochs or some type of rhinoceros. If horse-like unicorns, therefore, were discovered somewhere on the face of the earth (we would recommend scientists to begin searching at the bottom of Richard Dawkins' garden), there is no known objection as to why they could not be used for agricultural practices.

Rheese

Rheese: noun. The lingering remnant of a cheesy smell on an object that isn't cheese. Rheese can be detected even hours after the concerned subject is no longer in contact with cheese, which is to the great consternation of cheese aficionados whose brains react with unrestrained drive for cheese gluttony even after a single whiff of rheese.  

Bluender

Bluender: verb. To make a mistake, whether grave or innocuous, due to or affecting something blue. An example fitting both these requirements would be confusing a grape for a blueberry and proceeding to eat the latter on account of this mistake. An example satisfying only the first of these requirements would be confusing a grape for a blueberry and making a decision (unconnected to this blunder, of course) not to eat either. An example satisfying only the latter requirement would be choosing the wrong pathway and stepping on a blueberry on the account of the mistake.  

Phallusy

Phallusy: noun. To commit a phallusy (sometimes also spelt phallacy, phallucy or phallicy) means to mistake something for a penis when it is, in reality, something completely different. Phallusies are relatively common while stargazing, talking to friends, looking at clouds or visiting restaurants. Objects prone to being the subjects of phallucies include bread rolls, sausages, Bibles and artichokes (for visual as well as linguistic reasons). One of the strangest examples of a phallusy is James Lacan's essay on why men have phalli while women are phalli. 

 : noun. When a word is missing in the dictionary.

Jurosickness

Jurosickness: noun. A medical condition whose main symptom is being sick of jurors. Contrary to popular belief, however, there are many other symptoms accompanying this disease, namely higher levels of hormones causing recidivism, oxytocin deficiency, hearing problems and uncontrollable gas. According to recent studies, jurosickness is most common among lawyers, judges and pregnant giraffes and is spread by the exchange of bodily fluids.

Fragment XXIII

"If I may," Said Georgiana, immediately flushing as the attention of the room (obviously with the exception of the fainted Lady Catherine, the drunken Mr Hurst and the defecating Mrs Hurst) turned towards her, "I would... em... I think it would be fitting if we umm... if while we are solving issues concerning bowel movements we could also solve the issue of well... getting back to earth, for a start."

"What a silly idea, child," Said Babbage impetuously, "Ladies and gentlemen, we are the first humans in space! It is our duty as representatives of mankind [note to modern readers: yes, Babbage did indeed say mankind even though the number of females outweighed the number of males in the giant space-box. In the interest of our more gender-sensitive readers, we would advise you to read the word 'mankind' as if it were 'humankind,' as that will forestall obvious misunderstandings concerning this nineteenth century text. Without further ado, therefore, let us let Babbage finish what he was saying] to further our scientific knowledge and broaden the horizons of the human [Ha! He used a genderless word here] mind."

"But what use will this scientific knowledge be," Elizabeth asked, "if we crash into the sun or get consumed by giant space monkeys?"

"Don't be silly," said Babbage in a very patronising manner, "One does not crash into the sun, as it is a sphere made up of gas. We would sooner burn up than crash into anything solid. As for the space monkeys, I doubt that we will run into any of those, for their diet is exclusively made up of giant space bananas and I do not see any of those floating around."

"I say we take a vote," said Mr Bingley, "Those who want us to get back to earth right now shall raise their hands."

Every hand in the room (obviously with the exception of that of the fainted Lady Catherine, the drunken Mr Hurst and the defecating Mrs Hurst) went up. Except that of Babbage.

"Well, then it is quite clear," Said Mr Bingley.

"Yes," Babbage agreed, "Quite, quite clear. You see, the only problem with all of this is that I am the only one on board who knows how to get us back..."

Eyey

Eyey: adjective. While someone who is nosy pokes one's nose into other people's affairs, someone who is eyey uses one's eye(s). For example, while people poking their noses through keyholes to sniff perfume would be referred to as nosy, people looking through keyholes would be referred to as eyey. It might have occurred to some "smart cookie" readers among you that the word eerie also falls, or at any rate used to fall, into this category of words. Indeed, according to the Pseudo-Oxford-Dictionary (POD), 99.99% of the occurrences of the word eerie in modern literature are incorrect, as there continues to be only one definition: using one's ears to spy on other people's affairs.

Rabbitten

Rabbitten: adjective. The word rabbitten has two very different meanings:
1. Someone or something bitten by a rabbit.
2. Someone or something bitten by a rabbi.
The word rabbitten made a famous appearance in the Quentin Tarantino's remake of the film Twelve Angry Men. In Tarantino's version, a court is attacked by a swarm of zombie rabbits and every time a person trapped inside is rabbitten, he is swiftly sentenced to being thrown out of the window to meet his personal oblivion. According to critics, the film "showed the true flaws of the American justice system and consequently the failings of human judgement in a refreshingly unprecedented manner," earning it a rating of 72%. 

Cosin

Cosin: verb. When two or more people partake in the same sin. All cosins are sins, but not all sins are cosins. For example, as far as numerous religious texts are concerned, incest is a cosin, whereas murder can only be a cosin when more people do the killing. However, if an individual is involved in killing someone who is committing suicide, then it is not a cosin, as one of the people concerned committed the sin of suicide while the other committed the sin of murder. A person who cosins is called a cosinner - a label which remains with the person until his or her death in the same way that an ex dies an ex even if his or her relationship was succeeded by many others.

πrate

πrate: noun. The (lamentably fast) rate at which pirates disappear from the world. The π in the word πrate, we were informed, comes from the radius of the world - the equator - around which the majority of pirates is found. According to our sources (the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster), the πrate is an indispensable component in the equation for calculating the rate of global warming, as scientists have found a very strong negative correlation coefficient between pirate numbers and rise in global temperatures. 

Pastignorance

Pastignorance: noun. Contrary to popular belief, pastignorance is not lack of information about the past, but lack of information about pasta. The 'a,' as they say, got lost on the way. People suffering from pastignorance will call their penne spaghetti and will swear on their mother's grave that lasagna is a type of shredded wheat. The best remedy to pastignorance is locking its victim in one room with an Italian for seven days. After seven days, a priest of the Flying Spaghetti Monster will check up on the victim and, as is written in the book of Leviticus, "when the hair in the plague [of ignorance] is turned white ... the priest shall pronounce him unclean." As for obtaining the Italian, the book of Leviticus leaves it to our invention.   

Dogcome

Dogcome: adjective. While the word doggone describes something gone so awry that it does not even look like a dog anymore (hence "dog gone" reflecting the state of moving further from resembling a dog), to be dogcome means to become good enough to be reclassified as dog-like. The word can be used in sentences like "I really used to hate my ex, but now she's pretty dogcome."

Progeneration

Progeneration: noun. The widening of the gene pool through a selection of partners with few genetic similarities; the opposite of degeneration. Contrary to popular belief, interracial marriages are not the epitome of progeneration. In fact, neither is fornicating with potatoes. The closest example to the epitome of progeneration (in reproduction with living species) would be producing offspring with comb jelly. As for inanimate objects, progeneration can well be achieved by producing offspring with a brick.

Fragment XXII

The company soon realised, however, that the problem of jam was not the greatest problem while trapped in a box somewhere in the orbit of the Sun. The first person who dared open this topic was Mrs Hurst.

"I do not know about you," she said, "but despite the presence of so many bottles which have pacified my husband, my own bodily pleasures do not seem quite satisfied."

"What exactly are you trying to tell us?" Mrs Horst inquired.

"Merely that I am in serious need of bowel movement after which I hope my husband will still be willing to quench my other bodily thirsts."

"Well I never!" Exclaimed Lady Catherine at such an overt display of nineteenth century sexuality.

"If you will," Interrupted Babbage, "I have equipped this box with a wonderfully elaborate latrine system which flushes faeces through a trombone-shaped set of pipes after which your excrement shall be fired into space at the speed of an unladen swallow. I have made this calculation right now, allowing for the lack of air resistance. In the presence of air, the speed of your faeces would be that of a swallow laden with the weight of a hollow coconut."

At that comment, Mrs Hurst swiftly moved towards the room Babbage had indicated, skipping over the body of Lady Catherine who had fainted about halfway through the explanation. 

Apostmanist

Apostmanist: noun. Someone who denies the existence of postmen. Most apostmanists base their belief system around the fact that hardly anyone ever sees postmen because of how early in the morning they deliver the news. When confronted with the evidence in the form of a newspaper on their doorstep, apostmanists thank random particle movement and go on with their daily lives.  

Forkspooner

Forkspooner: noun. A person who eats spaghetti with a fork and a spoon. An ancient battle is fought between forkspooners and the more numerous forkers, people who eat spaghetti only with forks. The third party in this conflict, forknivers, would seem far too small to make any difference in this battle, but its weaponry - forks and knives - is far deadlier than the weaponry of either of the two sides. Due to this balance between the three, there is no direct conflict and third world countries are divided into spheres of influence to do the fighting amongst each other instead.

Crewde

Crewde: noun. A coarse group of people working closely together (usually on a ship). According to the USA's top secret information on the server Wiki-leaks, the most common exchanges among crewdes are:
"Hey, how are you?"
"Your mother."

and

"Dude."
"No, duuude." 

Candied

Candied: adjective. To be candied is to be frank and brutally honest with regard to questions concerning candy. The word can be used in sentences like the following: "The American Association of Candy-makers was particularly candied in its answers to the tactlessly intrusive questions of the press. In response to the accusation of adding rat poison to mints, the AAC's spokesman candiedly asked the reporter what she would recommend them instead to give the mints a good kick."  

Gnudle

Gnudle: noun. The word gnudle has two commonly confused meanings:
1. The offspring of a gnu and a poodle. Gnudles tend to be hoofed and horned, but their other attributes are markedly similar to those of dogs.
2. A noodle made out of a gnu. Most commonly used as a hyperbole rather than referring to actual noodles meant for consumption, unusually slender gnus are called gnudles.

Dedestalinisation

Dedestalinisation: noun. The return to Stalinism in countries formerly under Stalinist influence, involving the slow reestablishment of the cult of personality, the Stalinist political system and the gulag system of labour camps. Nine out of ten randomly selected Russian politicians claim that Dedestalinisation is a hoax. One out of the ten randomly selected Russian politicians is currently dead. 

Antidote

Antidote: verb. To bestow or express excessive hatred or lack of fondness upon someone or something in a habitual manner. The word antidote can be used in sentences such as the following: "Cain truly antidoted Abel," or "God truly antidoted the people of Sodom and Gomorrah."

Fragment XXI

It was not long before Mr Collins was hauled back in by his wife, who had - to the great disapproval of Lady Catherine - undressed herself and tied her numerous garments together, forming a rope to throw to Mr Collins. Mr Collins was very alive and well by the time he was inside the giant box, which was to the great consternation of Babbage who was convinced that Mr Collins' head should have turned into a giant turnip according to all laws that had been formed about the universe so far. In fact, Babbage had secretly wished that upon the opening of the door, everyone would be sucked out into space, earning his crew the title of the first space-murdered crew in human history.

Unbeknown to Babbage, however, the box was just drifting through an area of high oxygen concentration surrounded by a relatively thick layer of ozone. Thanks to this absolutely unlikely explanation the writers of this story have just pulled out of their rear ends, it happened that no one died and that the crew was able to shut the box door before a swarm of angry Kamasutras could attack them. 

The entire episode left utterly no impact on the crew's morale and, after Mrs Collins was persuaded to dress herself again, the crew returned to the trouble plaguing everybody's mind: jam.

"I do not understand," Lady Catherine orated, "How anyone could dare to dip baked products into jam instead of smearing it on top. It is almost as indecorous as salmon harlotry."

"I couldn't agree more," said Mr Collins.

With that remark, the conversation was ended, as no one dared to raise their voice against Lady Catherine in such a confined area. 

Thingy

Thingy: adjective. Something possessing very material qualities as opposed to abstract ones. To be thingy is to be concrete as opposed to being nebulous. As for quite concrete objects, even they themselves have their own degrees of thinginess. While the air is very unthingy and a sponge is relatively unthingy, a Bible is relatively thingy, a rock is very thingy and a diamond is uberthingy. 

Anticarbonics

Anticarbonics: noun. A maniacal movement set up by Al Gore to combat carbon dioxide in the atmosphere through the strategy of PRRR: Prevention, Remedy, Reeducation and Reversal. The Prevention aspect of Anticarbonics entails the complete annihilation of carbon dioxide releasing substances, objects and organisms or their exclusion from natural systems. As part of this, humans (such as passengers on aeroplanes) are given plastic bags to put on their heads by the Al Gore foundation. The aspect of Remedy relies on removing already present carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, which is sucked up by giant vacuum cleaners. Reeducation relies on educating people about how their sheer existence poses a threat to their sheer existence (each participant of Al Gore's reeducation programme is then given a revolver with one bullet). As for Reversal, the Al Gore foundation expects that if its three earlier points are fulfilled, the world will be completely rid of its evil carbon dioxide and it will be a much cooler place.  

Canniballistics

Canniballistics: noun. The science of designing and accelerating cannibals so as to achieve a desired performance concerning their launching and travel through air. 

Cannibalist

Cannibalist: noun. A person who discriminates against cannibals in any way, shape or form. The name of the movement cannibalists adhere to has long been the subject of heated debate, as the more logically oriented wing espouses the use of the term cannibalism, which would, incidentally, also denote the phenomenon it was set up against. This is why other cannibalists prefer to call their ideology cannibalismism, but since the ending of the word is unprecedented in English, the rest of the movement prefers not to call itself anything at all.

Mermelade

Mermelade: noun. A very popular fruit preserve among merpeople.

Lemonate

Lemonate: verb. To cover something with a firm protective layer of lemons. A rather antiquated antecedent to the modern practice of laminating paper with plastic, lemonating remains a popular birth control device in the bedrooms of numerous masochists. 

Hiacinth

Hiacinth: interjection. The word hiacinth is a relatively uncommon greeting formed by the contraction of the phrase "hiya Cynthia," which is itself a contraction of the phrase "How are you, Cynthia?" Because of the specificity of the target audience for this greeting, even the most qualified linguists have not come across the word without having a Cynthia and a relentless innovator in their social circle.

Fragment XX

Lady Catherine looked at Lady Catherine. Neither of them could believe themselves. In fact, neither of themselves could even believe either of themselves. Mr Bingley watched as Mr Collins floated towards the Lady Catherine in her space-mansion, unable to control his own movement due to the mansion's (or was it Lady Catherine's?) gravitational pull, but unwittingly able to contradict almost all the laws applicable in space that should have turned his head into a giant turnip.

Just at that moment, the entire company froze again as they noticed another Mr Collins floating from the other Lady Catherine's porch in their direction. He was wearing a clown costume and had a pineapple instead of a nose (although the latter detail did not make him markedly distinguishable from the former Mr Collins anyway). The two Collinses were floating towards each other, the expressions of each reflecting some sort of new-found divine love and just when it looked as if they were going to crash into each other, they both thumped into some invisible barrier, making them look like two unintentionally perfect mimes.

A crack went up, down and sideways throughout the barrier, spreading out as far as the eye could see in a matter of seconds. Charlotte looked at Mr Collins reproachfully.

"Now who's going to pay for this?" She demanded, "Don't you know that even in space, the most holy rule of all is 'you broke it, you bought it?'"

But she did not even finish speaking when the cracks filled the entire plane in front of Mr Collins and it burst with a giant crash. Babbage laughed.

"It appears we have ran into a magical-mocking-mirror," He explained, "It reflects whatever is on the other side in a particularly grotesque manner."

Mr Collins looked at a shard drifting off into space, reflecting the earth off in the distance. But, to his absolute horror, the reflection was completely accurate...