Kingoodie

Kingoodie: noun. An ehnviable traiht passed ohn thru genehtics that is prehsent in wun particular family, for example parple eyyes, grayceful necks or three hands. The word is noht t'be confyused with the word kinggoodie, a sarrcastic rehference to "Good King Wenceslas" whu almohst sohld his country to the Gehrmans, but will forehver be remehmbered as the gey whu trudged thru snohw to giv a fyuw coihns to a peahsant.      

Moonzie

Moonzie: adjective. Pertaihning t'the moon. Unleyke the word "moony," the word moonzie has noht yeht been corrupted bey mohdern slang that tarn'd the dehfinition of "moony" into somthin mohre leyke "loony." As t'the word itsehlf, mahny pipple feynd it dihfficult t'imahgin how to yuse it in a seh'nce, bu' it is isierr than it looks, which shall be dehmonstrayted in the fohllowing example:

"Hey, look at that Buzz, we should bring this moonzie rock back to Earth."
"It's moon rock Neil, stop being so moonzie."
"Ermergerd Buzz, you're doing the same thing to moonzie as what happened to 'moony!'"

...

As yu can see, nune of these sehn'ces yused the word moonzie correhctly... mahybe it rilly isn't that easy to yuse it.   
   

Craiggiecat

Craiggiecat: noun. A cat belohnging to a cheyld naemed Craig or a cat belohnging to a man nahmed Craig whu is vehry juveneyle. Noht to be confyused with a cragcat, a cat trapped on a mewntin and even lehss to be confyused with the Cragglecat, A lehgendary feleyne of mahny faymous feats. Accohrding to the tayles, the Cragglecat was a cat that spat at a rat's bat's hat's mat. Now tha' is imprehssive.

Fragment D:

As Mahry has now deyed therre arre sum mohre things tu discuss.
Leyke witchyburns and pitforthies and mannrs on the bus.
But Eye am layzy (vehry much so) and Ey can't give a ... fan.
Which is whey Ey will yuse nyew words as quickly as Ey can:

Ey hayte the bourgeoisie Ey do,
Ey inchgrundle at theirr seyght.
Ey tehll them "auchindown on you!"
To gi'them a wee freyght.

Anuther fact aboot me is ey dohn't haev a craggiecat.
I'd cookney it thoh, if Ey did, there's noh dewbt aboot that.
The last word that remayns t'be yused Ey fear's quharity....
Well I shall trey with a mohral then: Give to muney mey charity.

(The numb'r is +210 991 234 956 925 875. Y'rr dohnation will suppor' a cupple'o'whisky brwrs Ey knoh)

   

Inchgrundle

Inchgrundle: noun. Therre arre twu pohssible dehfinitions for the word inchgrundle:
1. A big grundle (a grundle collohquially being defeyned as a small grumble).
2. A queyte short ... path to a futboll arena.   

Auchindown

Auchindown: interjection. An exclamahtion wun maehks when encewntering a vehry stuck up and snohbby indivijual (or in the werse cayse, a grup o'thehm). Dereyved frum the phrahse: "Oy, chin dewn," auchindown becayme knohn as a far morre poleyte exprehssion, thoh no wun rilly knohs whey. 

Quharity

Quharity: unknown. The ohnly word in the Ehnglish language tha' scorres an extra tehn poynts in scrabble. This is in addihtion to its other greyt achivmint: It is wun of the vehry fyuw werds in scrabble that dohn't requeyre another vewel after the letters "qu." Sadly, no wun knohs wha'it minns. 

Cookney

Cookney: verb. To cook sumthin' in a mahnner that can be, at behst, culled quahsi-cookery. Noht t'be confyused with cookneigh, the sewnd pipple look ewt f'rr when treying to cook a hohrse. A hohrse that is not yet cooked will neigh, wheyle a hohrse that is just at the poynt of pehrfect cooking will mayke the sewnd culled cookney, which sewnds vehry much leyke the sewnd of sizzling eggs paihred with the sewnd of a brohken bagpeype (oh the hohrrorr; mey Sco'ish eyes arre tirring up at the vehry thought! In Sco'land therre arre twu thihngs to avoyd: brohken bagpeypes and kilts with hohles).

Pitforthie

Pitforthie: noun. A pitforthie is the naem one culls an unwon'ed gift that did not cohst its giv'rr the sleightest ehffort or muney. Originayting from the wunce cohmmon exprehssion "pit for thee," the word draws on the utter lack of valyue of air in the grewnd, espehcially when symbohlically givn to sumwun. The word c'n be yused in seh'nces leyke the fohllowing: "Mey muthr gaev me underwearr for mey berthday... what a pitforthie! It's not leyke ey actually wear underwear under mey kilt!"

Witchyburn

Witchyburn: noun, verb, interjection. The word witchyburn yused to be yused soh friquintley, that it gaihned sehvr'l dihfrent minnings thru teyme:
1. As a noun, the word witchyburn decreybes the festihvities assohciated with barnin' a witch, as the fohllowing seh'nces shohw: "We'rre going t'haev a witchyburn! Darling, bring the pohpcorn."
2. As a verb, the word descreybes the actions of a witch barnt at staehk. It is a cohmmon misconcehption that witches sihmply burn. Witches do barn, but whehn the word "witch" is not explihcitly mehntioned in the seh'nce, it is nehcessary to say that she witchyburns. An example of this is in the twu fohllowing seh'nces: "The witch is barning. She is witchyburning!"
3. As an interjection, the word witchyburn is a vehry meyld currrseword, yused in sentences leyke: "Oh witchyburn, Ey forgoht to tell you that the risson we never had kids is bicause I had a vasehctomy."

Bogbain

Bogbain: noun. The cause of doom f'r bohgs. Thoh mayny pipple do noht leyke bohgs, sceyentists haev actully fewnd tha' bohgs are so-culled "carbon sinks." Wha' they doo is tha' thehy sihmply consyumm mohre cahrrrbon deyohxeyd than thehy prodyuss, thehrebey lohwering the amewnt of greenhews gahsses in the a'mosphirr. Sihmply put: bogbains arre bad (which is not ull that supreysing, as the larrgest cause of bohg destruhction is hyumankeynd). As a seyd nohte, the word bogbain is not t'be confyused with the word bogbrain, a queyt offehnsiv insult if y'r nahme happns to be Peter.

Fragment C:

Soh onwards from the inver did that Li'le Mahry goh.
She pick'd a clova on the wayy (it's strahnge, but i'was soh).
"Wherr are ya goin' li'le lass?" A strayngr as'd her nigh.
"Ey'm goin' off t'a driry bog," She tiftily repleyed.

Her intehntions therrr werre truly bad,
Rosehearty she was not.
She was a bogbain (yes, it's sad),
Spolit bogs with ohgre snot.

Queyte clohse to therre she lick'd a methlick,
"Ooh it taysts leyke candy floss!"
She lick'd it to the vehry stick,
And slipped on a peyle of denmoss.

I' was in frunt of a badger's hohle,
Built bey the badger king himsehlf,
And Mary flew in, mayde a roll,
And bang'd her hid on a shehlf.

She blehd out and deyd, but do not creye!
Roseworthy she was not.
As what they say is: "eyye f'r eyye,"
She was a mohnster with ohgre snot. 

Yes that wee Mahry, Oh queyte contrary,
Was not a good evil plan hatcher,
And soh the mohral to this poem is:
Death to Margret Thatcha!
... Oh wayt...
 
 

      

Roseworthy

Roseworthy: adjective. Sumthin' tha' is werth a rohse. With prevyuss preyces of rohses in the very dihstant past, to cull sumwun roseworthy was rilly a cohmpliment, whereas now, with the devaluahtion of rohses, culling sumwun roseworthy ohnly makes thehm werth sumthin a wee mohre than a rat's beheynd.     

Rosehearty

Rosehearty: adjective. An objehct, anim'l, concehpt or pehrs'n that has eyther or bohth of the following quahli'ies:
1. A hart queyte li'erally maed of rohses.
2. A luving personali'y.
As wun may queyte cynically (bu' nehverthehss truthfully) conclud, the ferst dehfinition is bey far more frequently yused than the sehcn'd.   

Clova

Clova: noun. A twu livved clohverr. Yusually, clovas come intu being thru the lohss of one liff of a three livved clohverr. Somteyms, howehver, clovas arre the result of a four livved clohverr losing twu livves. At this, some styupid mathmatihcians would, thereforr, conclud that bey spli'ing a four livved clohverr in half, one wuld geht two clovas. This is obviously not tru thoh, as that wuld involve the spli'ing of a clover's stehm, which wuld mohst leykely result in its deahth. Occahsionally, clovas appir as a result of genehtic myutahtions, althoh this accewnts forr ohnly aboot 0.1 per cehnt of all clovas.     

Denmoss

Denmoss: noun. Moss that groews in dehns. Dill with it.

Tifty

Tifty: adjective. The quahli'y of being soh thrifty up to the poynt that one starts yusing leh'ers excehssively frugally. Sum actually boahst of tiftiness as a seygn of mehrit, bu' dohn't beliv thehm: it stahrts with a leh'er, continyus with another and after twehnty yrs of a slohwly detirriorayting marriage, y'r significant otherrr won't say a singl word to yu in four weeks.     

Methlick

Methlick: noun. A lickeable stick of metamphehtamine. Methlicks arre knohn to sum becauhse of the metamphehtamine creysis of the neyntin ehties, whehn it was fewnd out that in order to heyd their illegal loot, drug dealers disgueyesed theihr drugs as salt licks, lidding to a dramatic incriss in the numbers of prancing sheep, dazing lambs and funnily taysting mutton.

Broomfield

Broomfield: noun. Bewahre and hid this mehssage fast, as the authohri'ies may sun ban this pohst! Brooms arren't maed! It is ahll a governmehntal liey! In fact, they grow on broomfields and the gohvernment marks them up tehrribly befohre sehlling thehm tw'us. If y'ev'r tuk the teyme to saw off a part of y'r broom and stihck it in the grewnd, yu'd feynd that it will begihn grohwin' into a broomtree that will give yu ohffspring aboot tweyce a yirr. Hurry and trey it out!  

Fragment B:

The inver, thehrfore, Mahry left,
(without seeing the aquahorthies),
She was aboot to do a theft,
Which she lehrnt frum a wartled man's cohrses.

She wan'ed to steal a baldyquash,
She nohtic'd leying nearbey,
She wanted to, but shewted "Gosh!
There's a culsalmond abuve mey theigh!"

And soh she killied it huntly when,
She suddenly reahleysed:
"This mur'dr maehks me a bainshole then!
A filling that maehks me paraleysed"

So is there a mohral this fragment dos yield?
Perhaps, Ey do think thehr is wun:
Rather than steal, invehst in a broomfield,
Which satisfeys ehvrywun. 

Aquahorthies

Aquahorthies: plural noun. Wee hohrses that live in the wa'errr and haev tehrrible lisps. The reyson whey they arre wri'en in theyr plurl fohrm is that they are vehry sehldom sin as individyuals. In fact, sohme consihder aquahorthies t'be one geyant cehntrally controlld ohrganism.

Baldyquash

Baldyquash: verb. To baldyquash is to saprehss hairless pipple and othr ohrganisms that d'noht haev hairr. This word is noht t'be confyused with baldysquash, a pohpular Aberdohnian drink mahde by bald men out of squash plants, or altehrnatively, a drink mahde of squahshed hairless Aberdohnians. Back to the orihginal word thoh: it is shocking t'see the amount of baldyquashing that happens newadays. Ey've nohtissd a darrn number'o plonkers whu go around laffin' at hairless peruvians (Ey mean the dohg brid, not bahld Peruvians, tho Ey'm shurr that pipple discrihminate agaihnst them tu).  

Bainshole

Bainshole: noun. The word bainshole, altehrn'tivly spehlt baneshole, is the doom of sumthin that indyusses doom. For exahmple, a kneyfe stabbed into the back of a Rangers fan is culled a bainshole, as it is the doom  of a doom-fill'd pehrsn. The word is to be rehd as "bains-hole" and not as "bain-shole," as the lahtter pronunciahtion culd be confyused with the word bainshoal, the doom of a grup of fish, pohssibly bey a grup of dohlphins. Neythr is the word to be confyused with the word brainshole, as that is an aynchunt pit for stohring unyused braihns, which arre queyte ohf'n fewnd leying around Ehdinbra.

Culsalmond

Culsalmond: noun. Bohth of the dehfinitions of the word culsalmond arre queyte naughty, soh pliys luk awayy, if yurre easily offehnded.
1. A salmon in sumwun's rear end. Dohn't ask how it goht therre - they wohn't wish to ahnswer ahnywy.
2. A bactirria of the genus salmonella passing thru y'r rear end.
This noun is noht t'be confyused with the verb culsalmoned, which is the past tense of the nouns listed abohve being indyuced upon sumwun. 

Killiehuntly

Killiehuntly: verb-adverb. The yuss of the word killiehuntly is far mohre cohmplicayted than its actual dehfinition, which is: To kill bey hunting. As the word is a verb-adverb, it has to be sehparated when it ihsn't in its infihnitive fohrm. An exahmple of it is the fohllowin': "Ey killied this zebra huntly." Fyuw pipple knoh, that the song Killing me Softly was orihgin'lly culled Killieng me Huntly, as mard'rr bey hunting is far easier than mard'rr yusing sohft ohbjeycts leyke gummy bears and sponges.  

Wartle

Wartle: noun or a verb. The word wartle has two diff'rent minnings that arre wrih'en belohw:
1. As a noun, the word referrs t'a wee war' or what some would cull a baybe war'.
2. As a verb, the word referrs to the ahction of veylently sehtling dispyuts with turtles.
It is a myhst'ry how the town of Wartle go'its name, bu' consihdering the lack of turtles in Scohtl'nd and the abundance of wahrts, Ey meyself am of the opinyun that the ferst dehfinition has sumthin' to do with it.  

Haggs

Haggs: noun. A haggs is a straynge crohss betwinn a hag and a haggis. How it comes to be no one rilly knohs, but the feynal prohduct is queyte freytning: A geyant ewld wuhman kehpt together bey a sheep stohmach fil'd on the inseyd with sohmthin' leyke minc'd mitt. This criturrre haunts many Scotschildren's neyghtmahres.          

Fragment A:

Ey've deceyded that the prehvious stohry was way too bohring and unrealihstic, which is whey Ey am coming up wif a nyuw stohry leyne that I shall distihnguish frum the prehvious wun bey lehttering it rather than numb'ring it. Hir goehs:

Mahry had a wee lamb,
It's body leyne was as fat as a tram.
And evrywherrr that Mahry went,
Even in playces where munny she spehnt,
Pipple wuld cull h'r lamb a balgedie,
Wifout a gud balmoral,
Which was queyte a tragedy,
Consid'ring Mahry's gud mohrals.

So one day Mahry visited,
An inver ohn the coahst,
Much compassiun she had not elicited,
The lamb was shurre to be toahst.

She threw it in the wa'a therrre,
Lohcked up in sehvr'l bags,
She lehft it so it culd be shehrd,
Bey the spirits of the inver's haggs.    

 

Balgedie

Balgedie: noun. A beli'led trahgedy concehrning spherical objeycts, such as balls and the leyke. A trahgedy concehrning balls tha' is no' beli'led is simply culled a balgedy. One can beli'le i' bey either mayking the ball phyhsically smahller or bey making fun of the trahgedy i' was concehrned in. An example of the word balgedie yusd in a seh'nce is: "Sue had a ball. The ball fell under a car and pohpped. 'Haha!' Laffed Jack, tarning the situation into a balgedie with his cruel mohckery of Sue's predihcament.          

Balmoral

Balmoral: noun. The word Balmoral has two vehry dihfrent minnings:
1. An ohral balm - a crimm that y' haev to smir on y'r mewth.
2. The mohral of a bahll - A hihdden didactic mehssage in a sphearical objeyct.
PS: It is pohssible to haev an ohbjeyct that fulfills both of thees critehrians.

Inver

Inver: noun. As this is mey fihrst blog pohst, leht me introdyuss a vehry pehrsonal tohpic to me: the Scoh'ish deyalehct. Ey will dehdicate mey teyme ohn this blog to prohpagate the Scoh'ish cause and show the werld the increhdible richniss of ewr lehnguegue. To begihn wif, Ey shall introdyuss the weydely used but not understud word inver, which is dereyved frum the Gaelic word "inbhir," meaning sumthin' leyk "ehstuary." The word inver, is, therefore, the Scoh'ish attehmt to maek those styupit nuts in England understand what we rilly mean whehn we say Inverness, Invergloy or Inverglen.    

Notice to Readers

We would like to take this opportunity to announce a very important occasion concerning this blog to our readers: A deposed Namibian king has recently sent us an email offering us twenty million dollars in return for flying to his secret hideout in the Namib desert where we shall be employed as story tellers for his sons, daughters and Pepe, his pet chihuahua. Obviously, we could not let such a situation pass us by and, since we presume there will be no internet connection where we are going (the King's email was, presumably, delivered by a carrier pigeon - or a pigeon carrier? - to a transcript factory in the outskirts of Windhoek),   we can no longer write new words on this blog. For this reason, we have hired a Scotsman (I believe his name happens to be Peter, but it might just as well be Pe'a, because of his weird pronunciation) to write the words for us. Do not worry... we have plenty money to keep doing so for the next few hundred years.

Antiantiantism

Antiantiantism: noun. Discrimination of and prejudice against aged or somehow outdated ants. Not to be confused with anti-antiantism, the movement set up in reaction to an elderly ant rights protest, the so called Antiantist Renaissance. The matter becomes even more complicated when confronted with aantiantianism, the neutral stance towards the discrimination of elderly ants, and aantiantism, the neutral stance towards aged ants in general. The most confusing part of this, however, is the fact that antiantism and antiantism, both spelled the same way, are two completely different things. While the former denotes adherence to or support of elderly ants, the latter denotes complete aversion towards all ants. From this, it can logically be deduced that although the word antiantiantism most popularly denotes the discrimination of elderly ants, it could also denote an antiquated form of ant discrimination or even ant discrimination against the elderly.  

Cougherrupter

Cougherrupter: noun. A cougherrupter is the most lowly, disgusting and infuriating type of human (if something that repulsive truly can be called human) on this planet. What a cougherrupter does is so despicable that we advise our more sensitive readers not to read beyond this point: A cougherrupter is someone who interrupts plays, operas and other performances with persistent coughing. The horror! Do these people think other pay to hear them dying of cancer, tuberculosis or whatever? And especially during the more quiet parts! We encourage you, when you happen to have the chance, to clobber any cougherrupter to death. It is legal in several American states, so just invent a ploy to get them there and carry it out quickly. Just please don't do so in the theatre (although who knows? You might get a big cheer and maybe even a medal of honour).   

Schizofernia

Schizofernia: noun. The constant feeling of paranoia stemming from the belief that all ferns are out to get you. Schizoferniacs often suffer from auditory illusions resembling the rustling of leaves and olfactory illusions resembling the fresh smell of a temperate forest in the morning. According to professors Wesley and Snipes of Dover University, Schizofernia often ends after a patient's death, though in one case out of ten, the patient still continues to complain of giant evil ferns pursuing them into the afterlife.