Marbel

Marbel: verb. To gaze wonderingly at the surrounding world with at least one fake eye. During the age of piracy, it was common for sailors, who had suffered a head wound to marbel at the world they got to sea (sea what I did there (and there)) as they sailed around. It actually became illegal under Henry Morgan, as there was a risk of the false eye falling out as the seamen marbeled, which would render them even more useless then they had been up to that point.

Spritly

Spritly: adjective. Describing someone who is either on a sugar-high from Sprite©, or someone who is unusually active despite their advanced age. The first meaning of the word can only be used for someone under the age of 25, while the second meaning of the word can only be used for someone over the age of 65. For those who are aged between 25 and 65, there is unfortunately very little we can do. Contact the Life complaints desk, if you fell that you've been cheated. They can be contacted at whatdoyouwantnow@wereallydonotca.re

Harmoralise

Harmoralise: verb. To give moral judgment by multiple people, while singing in harmony. This was a technique extremely popular amongst the nuns of the convents of 14th century Holy Roman Empire, who reprimanded their younger nuns using this manner, as they believed that this placed them on a moral high-ground, while also strengthening their connection to the Lord. The technique has since been abandoned leading to the decline of choir-standards globally, so much so, that in modern times nothing compares to the beauty of the nuns harmoralias. 

Antihypochondriasis

Antihypochondriasis: noun. A disease, which leads to a stern belief that one isn't succumbing to any form of disease, even when clearly ill. The early symptoms of this is a staunch denial of a cold or the claim that one hasn't suffered from a disease for over 7 years. Late-stage symptoms include attempts at attempting to continue regular life, while feverish, claiming normalcy while vomiting or attempting to eat food, while seizing. This potentially fatal psychological disorder has no known cure, but it is believed to be caused by overly protective mothers, who manage to protect their children from disease during their childhood, but also create an illusion of invincibility.

Sock-up

Sock-up: noun. The period after Christmas known globally by all operators of waste incinerators. It is the large pile-up of socks, which are thrown away as presents, which were appreciated on Christmas Day, but as the owner realised their 'unique' colour decided to dispose of, for the sake of his entire close family. There have been movements to try and prevent sock-up every year, by destroying all awful socks, while still in stores. However all that this has achieved is the burning down of several Tesco stores, as well as others.

Fragment XI

Everything happened exactly as Lady Catherine instructed. There was an early lunch and afterwards everyone prepared or delegated the preparation of their belongings, so that everyone including Mr. Collins was outside the inn just as Mr. Babbage was walking into the courtyard.

“Ah, how excellent to see you all here! Elizabeth, Darcy how marvelous that you could come to join my little venture. And you must be the acquaintances that I’ve been informed about,”, then with a look of significant anxiety, “and of course Lady Catherine, without whom none of this would have been possible. How will I ever repay you?”

“Well, you can begin repaying me by taking my luggage and leading us to our destination swiftly and without inane detours.” was Lady Catherine’s ‘nonchalant’ reply.

Mr. Babbage immediately rushed over, somehow managed to accommodate all 7 of Lady Catherine’s suitcases and then proceeded to quickly begin walking out of the courtyard. As he did so, he also began to explain. “To those of you, who are new to this journey, I shall briefly explain what will soon begin to unfold. Around a year ago, my experiments lead to me to what I soon realised was a new source of a potentially unlimited source of power, specifically a source of kinetic energy for an object. I knew that this could have many extremely beneficial applications for society, however my inner child got the better of me and I sought out an investor, who would be willing to sponsor a trip into the night, specifically up through the atmosphere and beyond. And that’s how I stumbled upon Lady Catherine.” Babbage finished the last sentence with a shudder, but thankfully Lady Catherine didn’t notice.

Hilfrarious

Hilfrarious: adjective. Describing of the edge of a slope or hillock, which has been worn or strained due to constant rubbing. Essentially a hill that has been frayed. There I've given it to you on a platter. Hopefully at this point you can figure out which two words were combined to make this one; if not, then I am very very sorry. Anyhow, the word was first used by the polar explorer Roald Amundsen, during his time as a mountaineer, when he complained to Edmund Hillary about the state of Ben Nevis. The well known botanist Benjamin Nevis was of course insulted, as he didn't consider himself a hill.

Bloglog

Bloglog: noun. This refers to two similar and yet different things.

1. A record of all the posts published on a blog, beginning with the beginning of recorded time, generally then having a lot of blank space and then actually highlighting the posts of the blog. It is required by the United Nations that these logs begin with the beginning of time, so as to ensure continuity and absence of multiplicity.

2. A congestion of posts on a blog, which are scheduled to be published in the future, but until that happens, they create confusion in the schedule, resulting in the anxiety and stress of the author of such a blog and can even lead to cranial expansion/expulsions.

Gobbledygook

Gobbledygook: noun. Contrary to popular belief, this word does not describe a nonsensical language. Instead it refers to the consumption of a specific root-vegetable, which was grown by the Mesopotamians in the early history of civilisation. One of the earliest crops cultivated by the Sumerians was the 'gook', and once the cooking technique for this was perfected, it became the most popular dish in all of Mesopotamia from Ur to Nineveh. Hence the rapid consumption was of this commodity was referred to as gobbledygook. 

Misodevtera

Misodevtera: noun. A dislike of Mondays. This word comes from Ancient Greek and reflects several interesting things. Firstly it reflects the Greeks' dislike of a certain Japanese soup, as they were willing to make it their 'dislike' prefix. Next it also hints at the original point of Monday, as the second day of celebration, as 'detvera' literally translates as 'second in order'. Finally there is also interesting matter of The Boomtown Rats, who wanted to name their hit song this, however were threatened with a court case by the Greek government, and so had to settle for a far less catchy title.

Disimportance

Disimportance: noun. The state or fact of not being of great significance or value. This word was created by someone, somewhere, I mean who cares...really. There was this clever and very interesting back story that I'd come up with, I mean researched, but suddenly I don't really care if you find out, how unfortunate. I hope you drown in the sarcasm.

Mafeminism

Mafeminism: noun. The advocacy of women's rights by men. An increasingly popular trend, which has emerge in the last decade and is adopted by the majority of men, either to attract women or because it's seen as fashionable. The few genuine mafeminists are often times berated by those around them for being insincere and confused-looking.

Inadverbium

Inadverbium: noun. The philosophy that stresses the disimportance of adverbs in prose writing, as well as writing in general. This was conceived by author Michael Gilbert and the founding motto of the philosophical stance was then uttered by him, when giving literary advice to his daughter, the great Harriett Gilbert, "For God's sake, don't use adverbs." Since then this has been adopted by many literary figures, and some have taken it as far as to use only nouns and verbs in their writing, nothing else. That type of writing is known as "trash".

Fragment X

The sudden appearance of Lady Catherine was quite a shock for the entire party, and put quite a damper on everyone’s mood for conversing, except Lady Catherine’s own of course. In fact she dominated the conversation for the rest of the evening, discoursing at length about such varied topics as silk, skirts, shawls, gowns, gloves, evening wear, satin and tailors.

Everyone retired rather early, blaming the tiring journey, except for Mr. Collins, who was of course enthralled in the lecture, err...conversation. Eventually Mr. Collins must have nodded off, as he awoke in the same place in the morning and to his astonishment, found Lady Catherine in the same seat, with a different dress and a breakfast plate, still talking about lace. The rest of the company soon descended for dinner and when they discovered Lady Catherine still on her lecture tour, decided to move to a different part of the inn for breakfast.

However it wouldn’t be a tour without different lecturing halls, as Lady Catherine marched into the room, where Elizabeth, Charlotte and Darcy were attempting to have breakfast in peace, and continued to talk. However this time, she was discussing the plans for the day.

“Babbage has informed me of the recent developments this morning, before you all dignified u with waking up. He firmly believes that the craft shall be ready to depart in the early afternoon. Therefore I have organised the kitchen to serve an early lunch, after which Mr. Collins you shall pack my belongings and we shall all meet with Babbage in the courtyard to depart.”

Succint

Succint: adjective. Describing something, which is concisely, briefly and clearly explained, but is also incorrect. For example, if the definition for this word had been written as "Describing something, which is complexly explained", then that definition would be succinct. The theory behind the word is that famous lexicographer Anthony Allen once misspelt the word, but to not ruin his reputation, he then created the definition of the word. Really, quite sneaky of him.

Toism

Toism: noun. The school of thought that suggests that any infinitive in the English language must be preceded by the word "to". The English language can thank Richard Cawdrey for this ridiculous philosophical stance, when he decided to incorporate it into his dictionary in the early 17th century. The dictionary was a little bit rubbish anyway. Nevertheless the philosophy became immensely popular, so much so that in these modern days, very few people actually know that it's only a school of thought, rather than a rule or law. And yet wouldn't things be so much simpler if infinitives were as follows for example: Exist: have objective reality or being; live, especially under adverse conditions.

Happarise

Happarise: verb. To make something or someone happier or simply improve the mood of. This word was first introduced by Charles Babbage as part of the Movement for the Rationalisation of the English Language, when he realised that English lacked a word for this uncommon, but helpful action. Unfortunately because the world is such a dreary place, the word has been only used three times since it's creation. Twice in a history book about World War Two, first at the start of the war in relation to Hitler and then at the end of the war in relation to Churchill. The third account of the word is its use under undisclosed circumstances in Oxford, United Kingdom.

Adventageous

Adventageous: adjective. Describing something or someone, who or which takes advantage of the advent season. This can either be a clever marketing strategy to sell what are in fact absolutely awful chocolates, that nobody would eat willingly without incentive, or it can be someone who ignores his diet and personal prohibition because "it's the holidays, after all." The word was first used by market analyst John B. Furter, who made have had some angst built up inside him, because of a famous relation of his.

Staze

Staze: verb. To give such a strong and tantalising stare or gaze, so as to freeze the staree or gazee in place. This technique was frequently employed to an extreme effect by the Gorgons of Ancient Greece, who contrary to myth, were actually a family of highly skilled sculptors, who froze their subjects in place with their stare, while they carved their exact replicas out of marble. The rumour about snake-heads and other such nonsense was started by their rivals, a significantly less skilled family of sculptors. However their clever undermining strategy will soon be eradicated thanks to this blog.

Squeel

Squeel: verb. To create the sound of small wheels grazing against very polished linoleum and the resulting friction emanating an ear-piercing screech. One may say that this is an awfully specific sound, however only in the French part of Belgium, 7 donkeys were reported as having gone mad, due to incessant squeeling from a nearby parrot, who had spent too much time in a school and a supermarket.

Teein

Teein: noun. The chemical that exists in the human body, when during a game of golf the player succeeds in actually delivering the ball into the hole. The chemical is secreted by the pancreas and is essentially an amino acid with an added ketone group, as well as two additional benzene rings. The chemical was first isolated by avid golfer Robert Boyle (chemist in his spare time), after extracting the blood of 345 golfers during their game.

Fragment IX

Lady Catherine emerged from the kitchen looking slightly displeased and Mr. Collins squealed in joy.

“Lady Catherine! But what in the world are you doing here?” inquired Mr. Collins.

“Ah, Mr. Collins, excellent I was looking for you. I am here to oversee the completion of a commission by an employee of mine.” retorted Lady Catherine. A moan came forth from Mr. Darcy as two facts came together in his head. “A much better question, and one you should have answered without me having to ask it, is why in the world you are here Mr. Collins?” Lady Catherine turned her gaze towards Mr. Collins.

“Oh, um, well, you see, ah…” Mr. Collins yet again struggled for coherence.

“I believe I can explain that”, interjected Mr. Darcy, “I had forgotten that I met Babbage at one of your soirees Lady Catherine, but anyhow, we became acquainted and Babbage invited me and Elizabeth to come and see the completion of his creation. Mr. Collins and his wife came just in time to join us. And so here we are.”

“What a tremendously confusing explanation Fitzwilliam. You have much to learn in terms of rhetoric.” reprimanded Lady Catherine and Mr. Darcy did genuinely look hurt by the comment.

At this point Charlotte felt like she needed to interrupt. “Am I the only one, who doesn’t know or understand what this creation or invention is? I must say I’m rather confused.”

“Shush child, we’ll get to that.” silenced her Lady Catherine, “What is much more important now, is that supper is tended to. Elizabeth and Charlotte shall go and help that helpless fellow they call a cook here, while Fitzwilliam shall come and entertain me and my dear daughter, while Mr. Collins takes care of the carriages and horses. That’s why I was looking for you Mr. Collins.”

Quizissive

Quizissive: adjective. Describing someone who is obsessed with doing quizzes, whether that is on the internet, in newspapers, in pubs, with friends, alone, in his mind, out of his mind or elsewhere. This is a serious mental condition, which has been deemed extremely dangerous both to the sufferer and those around him. Therefore, if you or the people around you have been affected by being quizzisive, then do not hesitate to contact the appropriate authorities, i.e. The New York Times.

Spoorious

Spoorious: adjective. Not only being false or fake, pretending to be what it is not, but also extremely impoverished and poor. Essentially this was an example of the highest degree of Victorian insults. There exists one recorded case of its usage and that is by Queen Victoria, when she discovered that Sherlock Holmes was only a fictional character in a story. She used the word spoorious to refer to Doctor Watson and the impoverished part referred to his character development and mental capacity.

Invitus

Invitus: noun. A mostly unknown poem written by William Ernest Henley in 1874 and was meant as a predecessor for his later poem Invictus. However because the world is a dark, miserable and depressing place, only Invictus is remembered, while Invitus has fallen into obscurity. Historical restoration leads us to believe that the poem was about inviting one to share in the warmth of one's hearth. However the information is spurious. We have managed to recover two lines from the poem:

Under the nourishings of love
My head is rosy, cheeks flushed. 

Hoody

Hoody: 

1. noun. A hoodie, which has a design so that when someone puts it on, he appears to be Robin Hood. The only version of this ingenious art of clothing was created by Innovations Very Ltd. earlier this year and immediately went on sale. It was bought anonymously, but was later seen on the estate of a rather eccentric man from Shropshire, as he shot arrows at cows he had catapulted into the air with an actual catapult. 

2. adjective. Describing a story, which has the same story arc as that of Robin Hood, where some of the characters have different names and some minor details have been changed. As of this day, there have been 1,181, 573 cases of hoody films, novels, novellas, poems, epics or short stories.

Partialheimers

Partialheimers: noun. A medical condition, where the symptoms of Alzheimer's disease present themselves in a patient, who is much too young to suffer from the disease and they also aren't all of the symptoms. This particular disease was most prominent in the 18th century, where it happened to plague the majority of the Arabian peninsula and lead to what is known as "The Great Forgetting". It was later discovered that the disease is caused by a particular virus, which is transmitted from eating sand. It was then quite straightforward to eradicate the disease. And that is how the Sahara desert came to be.

Plattered

Plattered: adjective. This word has two very specific definitions, describing things in two different ways.

1. Describes a sound, if it resembles that of raindrops falling on metallic plates, which are made of iron, tin, nickel and copper and have an area of 2x5 metres. If the raindrops fall on anything else, then this word cannot be used to describe the sound. Sorry.
2. Describing something which resembles that plate, that's sort of like a plate for salad, but it isn't a bowl and it's too big to be a regular plate, and yet too small to be a platter. You know, that thing.

Calender

Calender: noun. In the early 1910's little notebooks, where people could record their plans for a specific set of days were becoming increasingly popular, however they were also incredibly expensive to produce. Hence a business started up, where a person bought this so called "calendar" and then rented it out to a large group of people, so that they could collectively write down their plans and afterwards rent it again, in case they needed to check what they'd written down. These people became known as calenders. Their business unfortunately went into decline with the invention of the lightbulb and there are currently only two functioning calenders still in the world, one in London and one in Quito.

Fragment VIII

Elizabeth was rather startled by what the haggard woman had spoken, but assumed that an entity was commplacent. She soon forgot about what the woman had said, as the carriages soon began to move again, being driven away from the inn by the wolves, which began to approach too close to the horses to Mr. Darcy’s liking.

The rest of their journey was rather uneventful, and they soon reached Hull. The sky had darkened even further. There was an eerie silence in the town, as lightning crashed across the sky and rain splattered down onto the half-cobbled and half-dirt road. There was a rather run-down establishment, which Mr. Darcy assured them was an excellent place to stay (he had business dealings in Hull and so knew the local area).

Mr. Collins was uncertain about the entire venture. He felt anxious about having abandoned Lady Catherine so, without informing her of his disobedience, and so was even more anxious than usual. However, his qualms were soon quelled, when he spotted a well-known carriage immediately next to the establishment, in which they were planning to spend the night. His suspicions were confirmed, when they entered the inn. Lady Catherine’s voice could be heard emanating from the kitchen, “No, no, no. You simply can’t put that in there, that seasoning would completely ruin the entire meal. Well, of course I’m not going to touch it! You’re the cook aren’t you?”

Waht

Waht: noun. Although commonly thought to be a typo by word-processing software, they are in fact horribly wrong, and it is due to a simple error in the programming of the earliest word-processor that this is the case. The word was incredibly popular in the 1950's and the 1960's, however due to an error while creating Astrotype, the word was omitted from its dictionary. This had such a tremendous impact, that in fact nobody knows anymore what the word actually meant.

Disestiflement

Disestiflement: noun. The act of making someone more comfortable or less stifled. Essentially this means to make one less restrained and more at ease with whatever it is that he may be doing. The word is most commonly used in the theatre and film business, where it is used on novice actors or actresses. For example the well-known Elizabeth Taylor enjoyed shouting: "Will you disestifle already? Goodness me, you look more uncomfortable than a sheep in a wool sweater." Especially at actors, who had never acted with her before.

Commplacent

Commplacent: adjective. Describing a type of person who is very lazy, but also very common, meaning he is sedentary and unlikely to move across a larger area. Interestingly the largest proportion of commplacent people is in this millennium in Mongolia, which is particularly interesting due to the nomadic nature of their ancestors. The word was first used by the explorer of the Arctic regions, who used it in association with a family of seals that he met while exploring, and who he met again 17 more times while going around in circles.

Michaelmasmass

Michaelmasmass: noun. The extent to which a family values and holds in high esteem and importance the festivities of Michaelmas. Essentially if a family has low michaelmasmass then they either don't consider Michaelmas at all important or don't actually know about the holiday. On the other hand a family with a high michaelmasmass is likely to hold Michaelmas in importance equal to that of Christmas or even higher. It is possible for a family, which does not honour Christmas to have a michaelmasmass, as they are not mutually exclusive, despite common sense.

Tealie

Tealie: noun. A tie or bowtie, which is teal in colour. These are particularly popular in Mardi Gras festivals and Christmas/Kwanzaa celebrations. Tealies were declared the fashion accessory of 2014 by the Bhutan version of Vogue. This is particularly interesting, as a recent survey conducted in Bhutan revealed that there had only been one tealie ever recorded or seen in Bhutan. This was by the explorer Marco Polo, who happened to wonder into the Bhutanese royal court while travelling on his hot air balloon with his pet sloth on a journey to Atlantis.

Smoge

Smoge: noun. The smoke created by a smogie. This word was first used in Dublin in 1907, when the concentration of smoge in the city was so high that it forced the majority of the population of the city to flee into the countryside, as well as killing over a million cats, rats and possums. Thanks to a strong-eco-friendly effort on part of James Joyce the city was cleaned and world-wide levels of smoge have since then remained low thanks to a worldwide increase in cigarette quality.

Sipher

Sipher: noun. A cipher created by J. Edgar Hoover, which was decrypted by wrapping paper through and around a sieve in a complex and confusing way, which resulted in the decrypted message falling out of the bottom of the sieve. Many associates of Hoover's saw this in practice, but no one has been able to replicate it since Hoover's death. This suggests two theories, that either Hoover was an alien or he was magic. The commonly accepted theory is that Hoover was magic, which is supported by the fact that he was able to create an openly-existing-top-secret-undercover-agency.

Fragment VII

The group of four departed in two carriages the next morning. Charlotte, Elizabeth and Mr Darcy traveled in one carriage and Mr. Collins had a carriage all to himself, which was understandable, as he was determined to take his herrings with him on the journey.

The goings were slow, as there was unpleasant and stormy weather, which meant the roads were of an appalling quality and they had to stop twice to change horses, as they tired rather quickly. The second time they stopped was somewhere in Lincolnshire on a rather lonely inn next to the road. The inn was named “Ye Olde Marineate”, which was due to an unfortunate sign-making error and was doubly unfortunate, because the word is actually verb.

Inside the inn was a lonely female innkeeper, who seemed excessively bored and utterly indifferent about the arrival of the guests. Mr. Darcy ended up having to harness the horses for both of the carriages, as Mr. Collins was unable to do so for his carriage.

Just as they were about to leave, the innkeeper seemed to awaken, “Are you heading on that foolish adventure, everyone else seems to be going on these days?”

Despite the vague question, Elizabeth immediately understood what the innkeeper was referring to. “Yes, why?” she inquired.

“I warn you! That adventure is not what it seems to be, however if you pay me a large sum of gold, I will cast a spell on you, which will protect you from all the potential dangers of the adventure." the old woman replied.

Demember

Demember: verb. To remove a finger from the hand of someone. This was a form of torture used in by the Mali Empire to punish those, who attempted to drink milk. This was especially prominent during the reign of Mansa Musa II, who happened to be lactose intolerant and so banned the drinking of milk under the punishment of demembering. There were some, who attempted to avoid the punishment and still drink milk, but they were quickly discovered by the world's first form of Inquisition/Police.

Unmember

Unmember: verb. An archaic version of the word "to forget". The word was last used by Chaucer and even in his time it was rarely used in writing and practically never used in spoken word. There are various theories about when the word was first used, but the most prominent and accepted one is that it was first used the year before Bede was born and it was actually an used in association with an accident by Bede's mother.

Antagonism

Antagonism: noun. The philosophy that everyone around you at all times is out to get you and even if there's no one around you, they're still there to get you. There are theories that this word was first coined by a amateur-psychiatrist, who was trying to cover up his paranoia. However the details are sketchy as it is all under the censorship of the US government and it's all very hush-hush and we can't really say any more. How suspicious...

Protagonism

Protagonism: noun. The belief that in one's life one's path will ultimately lead to a successful and happy ending, no matter what choices are taken along the way. This philosophy was proposed by the great Jacques Derrida, unfortunately rather than being accepted as the humorous ridicule it was meant to be, it was taken up by the philosophical community, as a valid 'ism'. This distressed Derrida so much that he withdrew from contact with any and all brass instruments until the end of his life.

Brider

Brider: adjective. This comparative is a combination of the words broader and wider. It was first used by accident by a Philosophy professor in the early 1970's who was attempting to emphasise the importance of the scope of a work in the evaluation of it's metaphysical impact on the disharmonising postulate of an adept at epistemology. Essentially his focus had to be wider and broader, but the professor succeeded in creating brider. It has probably been one of the greatest accomplishments of his life, even though he isn't very highly regarded for it.

Exchecker

Exchecker: noun. An office of the British government, which is in charge of all dictionaries, vocabularies, syntactics, semantics, etymologies, hermits, eloquentics and other such related preoccupations. The office was established by Henry the VI and was just about the only remarkable act of his reign. The office is headed by the Lord of the Exchecker, which is a hereditary position held by the house of Nym and the incumbent is Armistead Johnoah 37th Baron of Nym.

Nym

Nym: noun. A word which is in no way related to a base word, which has been used as an origin for a search. This is the often disregarded syntactical category, alongside synonyms and antonyms. Nyms are oftentimes the most populated category, but due to a massive campaign in the late 1875's against the category, they are now mainly disregarded by the global linguistic and language-enthusiast community, much to the chagrin of the Honourable Lord Nym, Chancellor of the Exchecker.

Fragment VI

The three enjoyed each other’s company for the rest of the afternoon, while Mr Collins laboured by a nearby tree with a rather large pile of herring and an ingenious device of his construction, which launched herring at a surprising speed in the general direction of up. Despite this brilliant invention, Mr Collins was unsuccessful in cutting down the tree by nightfall and so returned to the mansion quite disappointed.

“Tell you what dear, shall we take a relaxing holiday and go on a small adventure with the Elizabeth and Mr Darcy, rather than immediately returning to Lady Catherine? It will help you take your mind off all of the herring”, suggested Charlotte after her husband had retold his troubles.

“But Lady Catherine will be expecting us back promptly! We can’t possibly let her wait.” lamented Mr Collins.

“Why of course we can. We shan’t be gone for very long and I’m sure she can manage without us. Besides if she couldn’t manage, then why would she send us away in the first place?” schemed Charlotte.

“That is indeed a very good point, perhaps you are right.” agreed finally Mr Collins.

“Excellent, I shall confirm with Lizzy later tonight.” beamed Charlotte.

And that is precisely what she did. Lizzy was thrilled to have her oldest friend accompany her on the adventure and was very much looking forward to it, despite the fact that Mr Collins was coming along as well.

Delikacy

Delikacy: noun. This word has two absolutely fascinating meanings.

1. The efficacy of a deli. Essentially the likelihood that if you enter a deli, you will emerge with what you wanted. There are varying degrees of this, depending on where you are in the world. For example the delikacy of delis in Algeria is quite high, because if you enter a deli you will most likely emerge with something very similar to what you wanted, but not quite there. However in Morocco you will most likely emerge with a awful rash and a leek, no matter what you wanted.
2. Describing a food, which is specific to a region or culture and which also has a pleasurable taste. One may think that the word delicacy already achieves this, however it has been mentioned that the word delicacy is the universal term for something unspeakably awful but rare.

Gourda

Gourda: noun. A combination of the Haitian currency of the Gourde and also the well-known cheese Gouda. Logically it can then be inferred that a gourda is a large block of cheese, which is beige-coloured and tasting distinctly of port wine and jambalaya. This cheese is commonly made in Tenerife and also Sant Maarten, where it is sold as a delicacy, which is the universal term for something disgusting, but rare.

Scrupleton

Scrupleton: noun. A 100 scruples. As everyone knows the scruple is a unit of mass used by apothecaries, hence belonging to the Apothecaries' system. There are 3 scruples in a drachm and 288 scruples in a pound, but more importantly and much more sensibly, there are 100 scruples in a scrupleton. This specific unit of measurement was created by an apothecary from Brighton, who was well known for providing hemlock in the scrupletons. 

Sqrunch

Sqrunch: noun. A more accurate representation or onomatopoeia of the sound made when a bug is stepped on and crushed. This bug preferably must have a thicker shell or exoskeleton, as well as being sufficiently juicy. Only then can the sound that emanates from the broken wreck of a bug be described as a sqrunch. No one is entirely sure, when the word was first used, although there are theories that it was used post mortem by Galileo Galilei, when his theories were confirmed.

Infrustration

Infrustration: noun. The feeling one gets when one loses something, knows that he has lost it and still cannot find it, even though it should be really easy to find and one is looking in the right direction. This happens on varying scales to different people, where some suffer from it frequently and some never at all. The common and accepted theory is that the object that has been lost has been stolen by pixies or leprechauns and can only be returned, once a long enough period of infrustration has been suffered.

Trainge

Trainge: verb. To change train or subway/metro lines. This word was first used and subsequently popularised by a group called the Subways from New York, who spent their days riding various subway lines and trying to determine, what were the fastest routes from a stop to another stop, including various factors, such as people density and frequency of performers. They created the word to simplify their communication to each other, which was semi-pointless as they communicated with each other very rarely, being extremely anti-social.

Scovillity

Scovillity: noun. The measure of the spiciness of spicy foods, based on the Scoville scale. The Scoville scale was devised in 1912 as a scale of pungency of spicy foods and has since been often used by manufacturers of spicy sauces to promote their product. It was Wilbur Scoville himself who coined the word scovillity. He did so in an attempt to popularise his scale and to increase his own ego. The conversation during which the word was first used went something like this:
"Wow, this is a rather spicy chilli pepper."
"Do you know its scovillity?"
"Its what?"
"Oh, you know, scovillity. It's this useful technique I created..."
You can imagine how it went from there...

Fragment V

“So to what do we owe the pleasure of having you as our guests?” inquired Elizabeth.

“Ah, you see I have been sent by the honourable Lady Catherine de Bourgh to cut down the mightiest tree in Derbyshire with a herring. A task I plan to achieve tomorrow, so that we may return to Lady Catherine as soon as possible.” answered Mr. Collins.

The unpleasant odour was still very much presalent around Mr. Collins, hence he was encouraged by the others in the room, to begin his task now, as they believed it may take him longer than he anticipates.

Elizabeth was baffled, “Charlotte dear, how can you possibly bear this atrocious caricature of a man as a husband? He must be so exasperating.”

“Oh, one gets used to him. On the positive side, he is so engrossed with Lady Catherine and his own ego that absolutely everything goes past him, it’s no difficulty for me to keep my own agenda or plans. Sometimes I wonder if he still remembers that I live in the same house as him.” replied Charlotte. “And how have things been here at Pemberley, Elizabeth has only livened the place I trust Mr. Darcy?”

“Oh yes, most certainly. We couldn’t be happier and Georgiana couldn’t have asked for a better friend. However I have realised that we may have to leave you tomorrow morning, as we have a trip planned.” exclaimed Mr. Darcy.

“I absolutely forgot about that, how silly of me!” reprimanded herself Elizabeth, “I’m afraid Charlotte that a friend of Fitzwilliam’s has invited us on an adventure and we’ve been planning to leave for quite some time, it shall be impossible for us to cancel the trip now!”

“Oh that’s quite alright, I’m sure that we shall be on our way quite promptly. Whether we leave with a tree or without, that is yet to be seen.”

“In that case, I propose we summon Mr Collins back and send him to have a lovely fragrant bath, while we enjoy some supper and discuss all that has happened, since we’ve last seen each other.” issued Elizabeth and so they engaged themselves for the afternoon.

Butterflious

Butterflious: adjective. Describing something which is vaguely related to a butterfly and is also most definitely marvellous. For example in 1935 a German constructor named Wilhelm Schonitz constructed a giant butterfly net, which was intended to catch happy emotions, as they floated towards the heavens and then redistribute the happiness amongst the suffering populace. This idea was called butterflious by many, until it was used to aid the Nazi was effort, having been reconfigured to capture idealism, rashness, irrationality and violence. Some believe that the net was actually one of the main causes of World War Two.

Oligobatics

Oligobatics: noun. To counteract the popularity of acrobatics in Ancient Greece, as well as Ancient Texas, and the inherent discrimination of acrobatics, the Celtic Dwarf/Little-People Society created oligobatics, as a discipline much more accessible to the general public. In fact the discipline was a huge success and the originators were praised for their excellent, and much more inclusive idea. However the Greeks simply couldn't accept this, so they sabotaged the 100th annual oligobatics championships, thereby sending the sport into obscurity and almost extinction, except for a small group of practitioners near Basel, Switzerland. The word originates from the Greek word "oligos" meaning small, few or little.

Efamiliate

Efamiliate: verb. Cause (someone) to become close or affectionate to someone; befriend. The Movement for the Rationalisation of the English Language created this word in the early 1827's as a direct antonym to the word estrange. However in their desperate plight to create a suitable word, they overlooked the trend of society at the time, which would have clearly shown them that society at the time did not require positive-minded words, rather looking for words with a similar connotation to estrange. Hence the word quickly fell into obscurity with some people openly criticising it. Since then it has been called one of the greatest mistakes of the Movement.

Diadrammatic

Diadrammatic: adjective. Describing something, which in some way represents a theatre work, a dilemma, a perplexing situation or unusual event. This very wide definition was first proposed by the French photographer Nicéphore Niépce, who enjoyed incorporating dramatic scenes into his photographs and daguerrotypes, hence making them diadrammatic. It is likely that we shall never run out of diadrammatic things, as there will always be dramatic events happening, that is unless the great Platypus-Cat of Salem takes over. Of course. 

Electraumatic

Electraumatic: adjective. Describing something, which can cause trauma using electricity. For example repetitive use of a Van de Graaff generator can lead to severe psychological trauma and hence can be described as electraumatic. This is a recognised medical condition, and hence there are several medical abbreviations associated with this term. For example LOLSBOEE (Little Old Lady Suffered Because Of Electraumatic Experience) or EEIP (Electraumatic Experience Induced Paranoia) and also SLEEP (Sudden Latent Electraumatic Experience Paralysis).

Trespassment

Trespassment: noun. The action wherein one trespasses into a different one's property, while under the influence of a herb of some sort. For example when one enters a military facility, while under the influence of coriander can be considered an act of trespassment. In 2011 this word was voted by the British public of Adelaide to be the 2nd hardest word to spell in a spelling bee. It came second only to the word 'aardwolf'. This is particularly interesting, because aardwolves can often be perpetrators of trespassment, due to their frequent ingestion of thyme, while hunting.

Vocabulistics

Vocabulistics: noun. The study of vocabulary, one who studies this is a vocabulist. The two branches of vocabulistiscs are psychological vocabulistics and historical vocabulistics. The first branch is the study of the effects of specific vocabulary words on an individual or how one's vocabulary develops over time or under different circumstances, while historical vocabulists study the development of the average vocabulary throughout history and how new words have influenced historical events. Pastism shows that this veer blog will be the most important subject in all of historical vocabulistics.

Fragment IV

Elizabeth Darcy emerged from the mansion doorway in an exquisite, yet simple and utilitarian dress. She was ecstatic at getting to see her oldest friend once again, less so about the olfactory sensation that was Mr Collins.

“Why Charlotte, you could have written to let me know you were coming! Come right in.” announced Elizabeth excitedly. As Mr Collins began to follow his wife she turned to him, “I’m afraid Mr Collins that you shall have to enter through the back door, we recently had new carpets installed.”

Hence Mr Collins collected his bearing and his herring and went on the 15 minute walk to the other side of the house. In the mean time Elizabeth showed Charlotte the room, she would be staying in (conveniently far away from Mr Collins’ room), while they talked about motherhood and Charlotte’s plans once the baby arrived.

Later that afternoon they were joined by Mr Collins for tea and even Mr Darcy turned up. Mr Darcy had recently been suffering from schizofernia due to an unfortunate gardening incident and so was sticking to the parts of the house, further away from the garden. Mr Collins in the mean time had managed to partially remove the stench from himself and Elizabeth had him surrounded by so many flowers, incense and myrrh that he was actually bearable for shorter lengths of time.

Prevalencia

Prevalencia: noun. The famous town that once stood, where modern day Valencia, Spain stands. No one remembers the name of the original town anymore, hence the scientific and archaeological community agreed upon the term prevalencia and then further conjugated this term to include for example the prevalencian society, the prevalencian bronze ages, the prevalenciar people and the prevalencio-basque wars.

Obesimum

Obesimum: noun. A particularly offensive and impolite term, usable when referring to a mother suffering from obesity of some form. This word is considered unacceptable in all levels of society. There is a story of a man uttering the word in the 1990's to a group of friends, who promptly reported him to the police and the man was excommunicated by the Pope to the island of Elba three days later. He died of a walking-jellyfish attack and his last words were reported to be "Some friends I've got..."

Obesidad

Obesidad: noun. Not to be confused with the Spanish word for 'obesity', this word refers to a parental figure in a family, who can be described as big-boned. Some consider obesidad as a euphemism, however the Oxford Society for the Mystical Interpretation of Euphemisi and Various Wordly Paraphernalia clearly states that the word is a meta-euphamism, with a strand of allegorical chiasmus on the 'a'.

Tyrannosaurexia

Tyrannosaurexia: noun. A disease caused by malnutrition, specifically the severe lack of neon in one's diet. It is often confused with Kwashiorkor, however the distinct symptom of Tyrannosaurexia is the shortening of the upper limbs of the infected, as well as a prolonging of the snout...er...face. The disease was first named by the famous explorer David Livingstone. In fact the medical missionary shouted it to H. M. Stanley during a famous conversation, which went something like this:

"Dr Livingstone, I presume?"
"Tyrannosaurexia."

Bulimia

Bulimia: noun. The lost country in the middle of the Amazon rainforest, which has been speculated about. There are various theories that claim that the officials of Brazil hide from the rest of the world an entire country, which exists within the Amazon rainforest, so as to increase their own borders and thereby their sense of self-worth. Bulimia was searched for by Francisco Pizarro, Vasco de Gama and others, however they all mysteriously died of an unknown illness, I'm sure that doesn't mean anything. Brazil hopes that continued deforestation will rid it of the problem of Bulimia. 

Overweightness

Overweightness: noun. The degree to which one is overweight, as well as the degree to which one is being weighed down by a problem, burden or in-law. This word became very popular in the vocabulary of doctors in the 1960's, especially after the baby boom in Europe and Asia. The sentence: "Overweightness was high in the city due to the overweightness of the population" appeared in many different satirical comics and cartoons of various newspapers, along with caricatures of various family members.

Parently

Parently: adverb. Describing something, which resembles the actions or behaviour of a parent. Used often by kids of an age below 8 years old, who imitate their parents, they use the word to justify their actions to their fellow sand-pit comrades as they drag around a miniature shopping cart shouting, "Why the hell is everything so expensive these days?!"

Forgy

Forgy: noun/adjective. This word has two very different meanings, which should not be confused even in the most dire circumstances.

1. A food orgy. These were very popular in the halls of Ancient Rome, especially in the halls of well to-do citizens, emperors, senators and clergy. A forgy would be held within a convivium, and there were three lavish courses served to the guests reclining on couches. The courses were in order gustatio, mensae primae and mensae secundae.
2. Relating to a forge. A forge is a type of hearth used by blacksmiths, and the word forgy has oftentimes been incorrectly used to describe hearths, which in fact weren't forges at all. There are various types of forges including coal, gas and finery forges.

So what that this post is only educational and not funny?! Deal with it!

Rapitalism

Rapitalism: noun. The word Rapitalism is central to two very different ideologies.
1. The belief that all wealth should naturally belong to the better rapper.
2. The belief that all women naturally belong to the better rapi - I mean rabbit.

Soakialism

Soakialism: noun. The belief that everyone must be of the same degree of wetness. Many attempts have been made to promote Soakialism around the world. For example, it used to be the law in Scotland that whenever it started raining, everyone had to run out into the streets naked to get equally wet. However, this law often came under attack as the different shapes of people always led to some degree of inequality.

Xpearience

Xpearience: noun. An experience concerning pears. It can be used in sentences like:
"What's your favourite Xpearience?"
"Well, there was this one time that I found a pear and I -"
*snore, snore, snore*
"Never mind"

Sodamasochism

Sodamasochism: noun. Sodamasochism is what happens when soda starts to flog itself, whether the sode concerned happens to be baking soda, soda drinks or baking soda volcanoes. Sodamasochism is also quite common among dyslexic people, although it is quite unclear how much pleasure they can gain from it.

Flagjellant

Flagjellant: noun. A person who likes to flog himself with a flag. The most painful form of flagjellantism is the one practiced in Nepal, as flagjellants from Nepal use their own country's spiky flag, which digs into flesh far more effectively. Contrary to popular belief, a flagjellant is not a flagellant who whips his flesh until it effectively becomes jelly, but we do hope that you have understood this fact prior to us pointing it out.   

Flogarithm

Flogarithm: noun. The word flogarithm denotes flogging at regular intervals. Often used during the Renaissance period when old techniques of punishment met modern ideas about mathematics and music, flogarithms are now no longer displayed publicly, but still remain an integral practice in the bedrooms of sadomasochists. 

Fragment III:

At length, Mr and Mrs Collins made it to Pemberley. As Mr Collins clambered out of the carriage, he fell face down into a pile of dog poo, but this didn’t seem to matter much considering the state he was already in.

“Darling,” Mrs Collins called after him as she pulled a herring out of her heaving bosom, “are you all right?”

“Yes, love,” Mr Collins replied, opening his mouth in a way so stupid that some of the excrement fell onto his tongue, “Although I have eaten better.”

Mrs Collins squeezed herself past the luggage onto the fresh air. The colour immediately rushed back into her cheeks. “Oh Derbyshire,” she sighed with delight. Mr Collins stood up, his round face brown and his hair sticking upwards covered in herring oil, vomit and doggie doo, all making him look rather sporklike. Charlotte did not wish to see and turned her face towards the walls of Pemberley instead.

“Just like on the postcard,” she remarked.

The two began to take out their luggage, restocking all bags that had to be restocked with the herrings that had fallen out. Charlotte opened a secret compartment in her handbag to take out her perfume, which she immediately sprayed all over herself and her belongings, leaving only Mr Collins smelling like a humid fish with diaorrhea. Quite rightly, she concluded that spraying perfume on him would be a terrible waste that wouldn’t really fix anything. She walked up the steps and rang the doorbell, which was soon followed by a slight creeking noise.

“Lizzy, so lovely to see you!”

Rakeoon

Rakeoon: noun. There are two very different definitions for the word rakeoon, which are listed below (however, we were asked to put a space in between them so as to not stir up conflict between the users of each):

1. A giant sporklike rake used for raking as well as for digging. Its usefulness is disputed for both of these purposes.

2. A raccoon employed as a leaf cleaner.

Sporklike

Sporklike: adjective. An adjective denoting the qualities of a spork. Not to be confused with the words porklike, sportlike, corklike, forklike and especially not with the word spoonlike - one can see how easy it would be to make such grave mistake. The question that usually arises though, is what exactly about a spork is sporklike. Is it the merging of forklike and spoonlike qualities or is it a wider range of qualities like being spiky, round and metallic at the same time? That truly is a question.

Blalnd

Blalnd: noun. A bald blonde. One of the most tragic things you could ever see. In fact, according to Forbes' list of the most tragic images, a blalnd is 5102nd right after an eagle with its head stuck in a blow-drier and a raccoon stuck in a washing machine. Flagellant blalnds will be happy to note though that they are considered more tragic than topless mushrooms, unemployed monkeys and wet kittens.

Stanism

Stanism: noun. The belief that Stan is the answer to life, death and everything in between. The notable exception to this rule is pumpkin pie, as no one can be powerful enough to hold down the power of something so glorious. A person with such belief system is most commonly referred to as a Stanist. An example of the word used in a sentence would be "Stanists have firm stances on Stanism."

Compear

Compear: verb. There are two commonly used senses of the word compear.
1. To make a comparison between a pear and something that is not a pear.
2. To make a comparison between two pears.
3. To make a comparison between an apple product and something that is not an apple product.
The word can be used in sentences like: "You can't compear pears to apples, because they are so different. If you want to compear something properly, do it with pears and pears. Alternatively, you could also try compearing Apple products to those of Samsung.

Appel

Appel: verb. The act of pleading in court on behalf of an apple. The most famous occurrence of an appel dates back to twentieth century USSR. To sum up the court case, a former official of the Communist party was blamed for assaulting an apple without doing so in the name of the proletariat. As the apple could not sue him by itself because of how bashed up it was, the case was taken up by an agent of the KGB who presented a very convincing appel that led to the arrest of the former official, followed by his execution and hard labour in Siberia.

i

i: pronoun. Unlike I, i is a pronoun that could best be summed up as the first case of the halfth person. The halfth person is used almost as the first person, only by people who are missing a half of their body or a half of their mind; the latter occurrence could be the result of fatigue or simple lobotomy. The only difference between the halfth person and the first person is that the aforementioned "I" takes the form i and is read as the "i" in "in."

Part II

It took about two weeks for Mr Collins to depart from his sweet wife, who rejoiced at the fact that she would finally have some time for herself. This joy did not last too long though, as Lady Catherine’s severe punishment was soon extended to her too by association. And so the two packed their suitcases with several herrings and left for Derbyshire, somewhat reconciled with their fates and yet hopeful that they might return by the time that Charlotte’s baby, which she was carrying for three months by then, could be presented on its first day to its glorious future patrons, Lady Catherine and her daughter.

“I didn’t tell Lizzy that we were coming, my love,” Charlotte moaned in the carriage, slightly worried and feeling very sick.

“Do not worry, my dearest,” Mr Collins attempted a consoling tone, “my God, you are as green as an olive branch! Here, have some gascream.” Mr Collins handed his wife a container he had brought along, but Charlotte did not seem too happy. She looked around in deprivation until Mr Collins finally broke the silence with the words, “Oh dear me, I didn’t give you a spoon.”

As he bent forward amidst the luggage and rotting herrings that had been spillt over the floor to look for the spoon, Charlotte’s face twisted and turned. The smell of herrings was as thick as her husband’s skull and her head reeled in confused thoughts about her husband, Lizzy, Lady Catherine, Derbyshire, her family and rotting herrings. Finally, she clutched her stomach in agony and threw up all over her husband’s back.

“Ooh, a warm breeze,” Mr Collins remarked with pleasure, “how delightful. Only it is a little damp - must be the stuffiness of the place.”

And on they travelled for a few more days. All along, Mr Collins never noticed he had vomit on his back, and his wife was only too happy for that as she wasn’t prepared to keep giving him new clothes. At least he served her well as a vomit absorber and in any case, the smell could never be bad enough to overpower that of the fish. 

Plumder

Plumder: verb. To plunder a plum tree, usually for plums. Contrary to popular belief though, plumbering doesn't just happen for the lack of plums. Many plumderers plumder for random articles that may be of value, such as plum leaves, plum wood and the occasional twenty carat diamond. 

Vindictator

Vindictator: noun. A person who claims absolute power over a piece of land or community of people on the basis of being wronged before. It isn't really important whether the vindictator was wronged by the specific group of people he or she is ruling. In fact, it is more desirable for the vindictator to be wronged by someone completely unconnected, as he or she will feel less compelled to randomly take revenge on his or her subjects.

Rocktopus

Rocktopus: noun. A rock guitarist who plays so fast that to the audience he appears to have eight hands. In old English, however, a rocktopus was more often than not an octopus who liked to wear rocks as a fashionable accessory. With the increase in popularity of rock-stars and the decline of octopus fashion sense, the older meaning completely gave way to the new one and the only people who will still call octopi with rocks on their heads rocktopi are pompous old men wearing monocles.  

Shorrow

Shorrow: noun. The melancholy song of a beached whale. It's sad, really. Look into its eyes and see how the salty water is flowing down its cheeks like streams of giant tears - only you know they aren't tears, but it does not lessen the tragedy of the situation in any way. You know the right thing to do. Yes. Gather all your might and push it back into the sea. With the power of its god Poseidon, you yourself can rescue this beached whale... go out there and make a difference!

Parasparagus

Parasparagus: noun. Besides being a popular Roman name, the word parasparagus denotes an asparagus somehow gone wrong. Dysfunctions that would earn an asparagus the title of parasparagus could include overt chewiness, overt woodiness, overt tastiness, overt sugar content and overt ovary productivity within its reproductive organs. In many countries, the proper reaction to being served a parasparagus with overt ovary productivity is ovation.  

Pokesman

Pokesman: noun. An elected official for a group of individuals whose chief duty it is to poke people. This word is not to be confused with the words 'pokemon,' 'pacman' or 'poked salmon' and especially not with the equally obscure word smokepan, an instrument often used to collect and solidify smoke, the users of which run around looking a bit like butterfly chasers.

Messyah

Messyah: noun. The prophet of dirtiness, filth and general disorganisation. Most of his followers are children, though it does seem that the Messyah has gained plenty of followers among the newly rich of formerly poor countries, such as Russia, China and Saudi Arabia.

Fragment I:

Due to the disruption of our former story with a weird mini-epic about a certain Mary and an obese lamb, we have fallen behind with obtaining and posting updates about our parallel universe, causing plenty of confusion. After the accidental homicide of several hundred raccoons, we have come to the conclusion that we shall discontinue both of the stories rather than sticking to an earlier proposed plan of fusing the two storylines together, as the other option would require far too much effort and would probably cause an unnecessary cultural clash between Herb from a parallel universe and Mary from the equally puzzling Scotland. We have, therefore, not only decided to change the fragment names from letters to Roman numerals, but also changed the topic of our discourse. Observing the popularity of fan fiction in the recent days, we have been led to vote for that genre and shall stick to it for at least another week. The topic (at least for now), is Pride and Prejudice in Space...

"Mr Collins!" Lady Catherine shouted irately, "I thought I made myself perfectly clear when I said that your quest was to find a shrubbery and not a blubbery!"

Mr Collins began to stutter, "L-l-l-lady Ca-catherine, I am perfectly aware of your most sacred instructions upon the topic of gardening and the planting of small bushes, hedges, flower beds -"

"Then why," Lady Catherine screamed, "did you not follow them?"

"Well, you see, I thought that the effect of the little path down the middle between the one hedge and the other could be better achieved with blubber than with conventional greenery and the fact is that-"

"I have heard enough!" Lady Catherine cut him short, "You have failed, Mr Collins. Your punishment shall be most severe."

"No, no, no, not the soft cushions!!!" Mr Collins pleaded.

"No... your offence was far graver than that... it was even too grave for a comfy chair..."

Mr Collins verdurated in horror.

"You..." Lady Catherine paused slightly, shocked that she should ever utter a punishment so severe as this, "shall travel to Derbyshire and cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with... a herring!"

"It can't be done!" Mr Collins screamed.

At that precise moment, a group of at least eight fairies flew into the room with sparks flying around them as if they were being burnt at the stake (which would still, of course, be a far more merciful punishment than cutting down the mightiest tree in Derbyshire with a herring).

"Of course it can be done," said the blonde one with the tall heels "All you have to do is believe in yourself!"

With those wise words, the fairies flew out again, leaving behind an inspired Mr Collins with glittering eyes and a radiance that he seemed to have borrowed from Buddha.

"And so to Derbyshire I shall depart," He proclaimed.

   

Blubbery

Blubbery: adjective or noun.
1. As an adjective, the word blubbery refers to something with the qualities of blubber, the thick layer of vascularised adipose tissue found under the skin of cetaceans, pinnipeds and sirenians.
2. As a noun, the word blubbery refers to an outdoor garden display of thickly planted blubber. It is advised to purchase two blubberies and place one only slightly higher so it gets a two level effect with a little path going down the middle.

Germophone

Germophone: noun. The word germophone has several possible meanings:
1. One who speaks germanely.
2. One who speaks the language of germs.
3. One who speaks to the Austrian dish called germknödel.
Clearly, it is possible for a person to fullfil more than one of these criterions, as it is very easy to have a pertinent conversation with a giant plum filled dumpling.

Spikeful

Spikeful: adjective. The quality of being full of spikes. It is a common misconception that hedgehogs are spiky rather than spikeful. In fact, they are both, as spikes tend to grow from the inside to the outside, meaning that most spikes are both in and out of a hedgehog at the same time. What people also tend not to realise is that baby hedgehogs are spikeful rather than spiky, since it takes a few days for their spikes to actually start coming out from under their skin after birth.

Nunununununiumisation

Nunununununiumisation: noun. Recalling the good old days when we posted our first word ununununiumisation which, with its good nature and childhearted simplicity, we now see almost as a baby´s first word, we have to fill in a gap that must have left our readers wondering: can a nun undo unununium? Our answer to this is: yes. A nun can undo unununium - or ununununiumise - if she happens to be the fortunate person who does come up with a new name for it, in which case she will be the first and probably last person to Nunununununiumise. 

Bisickle

Bisickle: noun. The most powerful weapon of a dedicated Communist. A bisickle is a sickle that faces both sides, enabling increased efficiency in reaping. While many evil Capitalists have suggested that bisickles are dangerous to their users, it is obvious that they are only jealous, as the following testimony of Ivan the farmer proves: "The reason why I lost my whole arm while operating a bisickle is not due to its dangerous potential but due to the fact that one day, I was working on my field when an evil Capitalist came up to me and tried to steal it from me, saying that Uncle Sam needs it for his country. I saved it, but lost my hand... glory to the Motherland!"

Notice to Readers 2

We have come back from Nigeria to verify for ourselves what has only gotten to us through rumours: that the insane Scotsman we left in charge of the blog and gave money to for doing so was growing more insane every day and, what is more, no one understood him. A quick google search also revealed that he was only using already existing names of towns and giving definitions to them, which is the most terrible display of a lack of imagination on his part. For these reasons, we have come back to restore the blog to its former glory. (the fact that the Nigerian king's email was a fraud and we only had enough money to buy plane tickets back had absolutely no impact on our decision)

Cowdenbeath

Cowdenbeath: verb. To cowdenbeath is to baythe a cow in a den. Wheyle the porpose of doihng somthin leyke this is dispyutable, the ohrigin of this word is lehss soh. Linguists have trayced the word cowdenbeath back to an ahncient, humbly brought up king whu belivved that cows werre the incahrnation of Sahtan. At beying ohffered veal, the king wuld always shewt: "Cows, dem beasts!" but becauhse he had a lisp, it sewnded mohre leyke "Cow, dem beath!" The hard-of-hirring sehrvants thought that the king was vehry heyginnick aboot his fud and wahn'ed his cows bahthed beforre beying sehrved. How the den helped, no one rilly knyuw, but they saw that the king was beying vehry persihstent aboot this detayl and so theyy chohse to obeyy on that matterr.   

Gargunnock

Gargunnock: verb. To man a piess of leyght armamehnt atop of a veyicle. A pehrson who ohperaytes this machinn is noht culled a gargunnocker but a gargunner, which is vehry lohgical, as we also happen to cull a certain bird a "roadrunner" rather than a "roadrunnocker" - theh'res rison in ehvrything. Farthermohrre, the word gargunnock is noht to be maddled up with other things that ahlso start with the le'ers "gar," as for some rison, they yusully happen to denohte fictional characters, such as Garfield, Gargamel and Gargantua. Wun particularrity aboot these characters is that they'rre rather large in sohme way or another (Gargantua in heiyght, Garfield in width and Gargamel in comparison to the Smurfs), which is an ehxtra (and I daresay queyte valid) rison whey not to confyuse thehm with ohperayting a piess of leyght (and theref'r small) machin'ry.  

Fragment E:

Thohse plohnkers whu stahrted this trahdition of maehking spehcial Sundy pohsts must haev been out of theyre meynds treying to come up with something soh tediyus. The thought of which mayde me realeyse: Since they profehss to haev no interneht connehction, they will hardly feynd out if Ey dohn't do the Sundy story... well thats an ehxtra half an hour to drink whisky and Irn bru!

Moneydie

Moneydie: imperative verb. The word moneydie is queyte yunique as it ohnly exihsts in the impehrative form. Taeken to minn somthin leyke "oh perish thou veyle form of currency," it is vehry yussful when assehssing the twisted valyues of mohdern materialist sohceyety, the discuhssion of which can ahlways be wehll concludded bey uttering the phrase "moneydie!"

Cowie

Cowie: noun or adjective. Behohld the pow'rr of the greyt hornid word that hohlds such plehntiniss of diffrent fayces:
1. Noun: A small cow.
2. Noun: An infanteyle cow.
3. Noun: A small infanteyle cow.
4. Adjective: Leyke a cow.
5. Adjective: Leyke a small cow.
6. Adjective: Leyke an infanteyle cow.
7. Adjective: Leyke a small infanteyle cow. 

Wormit

Wormit: verb, noun or interjection. The word wormit has sehv'ral pohssible dehfinitions, the mohst friquintly yused of which arre the fohllowing:
1. Verb: To ruin somthin with the prehsence of worms, as in the seh'ence: "He snickily wormitted the flewer."
2. Noun: Sleymy, wreything and disguhsting vermin, such as worms.
3: Interjection: An exclamahtion utt'rr'd in shohck ov'rr somthin spoiyled, as in "Oh wormit! Mey piey has gohne bad!"  

Teasses

Teasses: plural noun. The word teasses has the fohllowing twu minnings:
1. Tea-leyke dohnkeys (whuse resehmblance to tea culd be caused bey tea-bag-string-leyke taihls or perhaps tea-leaf-leyke irrs).
2. Tea-leyke buttocks.

Kingoodie

Kingoodie: noun. An ehnviable traiht passed ohn thru genehtics that is prehsent in wun particular family, for example parple eyyes, grayceful necks or three hands. The word is noht t'be confyused with the word kinggoodie, a sarrcastic rehference to "Good King Wenceslas" whu almohst sohld his country to the Gehrmans, but will forehver be remehmbered as the gey whu trudged thru snohw to giv a fyuw coihns to a peahsant.      

Moonzie

Moonzie: adjective. Pertaihning t'the moon. Unleyke the word "moony," the word moonzie has noht yeht been corrupted bey mohdern slang that tarn'd the dehfinition of "moony" into somthin mohre leyke "loony." As t'the word itsehlf, mahny pipple feynd it dihfficult t'imahgin how to yuse it in a seh'nce, bu' it is isierr than it looks, which shall be dehmonstrayted in the fohllowing example:

"Hey, look at that Buzz, we should bring this moonzie rock back to Earth."
"It's moon rock Neil, stop being so moonzie."
"Ermergerd Buzz, you're doing the same thing to moonzie as what happened to 'moony!'"

...

As yu can see, nune of these sehn'ces yused the word moonzie correhctly... mahybe it rilly isn't that easy to yuse it.   
   

Craiggiecat

Craiggiecat: noun. A cat belohnging to a cheyld naemed Craig or a cat belohnging to a man nahmed Craig whu is vehry juveneyle. Noht to be confyused with a cragcat, a cat trapped on a mewntin and even lehss to be confyused with the Cragglecat, A lehgendary feleyne of mahny faymous feats. Accohrding to the tayles, the Cragglecat was a cat that spat at a rat's bat's hat's mat. Now tha' is imprehssive.

Fragment D:

As Mahry has now deyed therre arre sum mohre things tu discuss.
Leyke witchyburns and pitforthies and mannrs on the bus.
But Eye am layzy (vehry much so) and Ey can't give a ... fan.
Which is whey Ey will yuse nyew words as quickly as Ey can:

Ey hayte the bourgeoisie Ey do,
Ey inchgrundle at theirr seyght.
Ey tehll them "auchindown on you!"
To gi'them a wee freyght.

Anuther fact aboot me is ey dohn't haev a craggiecat.
I'd cookney it thoh, if Ey did, there's noh dewbt aboot that.
The last word that remayns t'be yused Ey fear's quharity....
Well I shall trey with a mohral then: Give to muney mey charity.

(The numb'r is +210 991 234 956 925 875. Y'rr dohnation will suppor' a cupple'o'whisky brwrs Ey knoh)

   

Inchgrundle

Inchgrundle: noun. Therre arre twu pohssible dehfinitions for the word inchgrundle:
1. A big grundle (a grundle collohquially being defeyned as a small grumble).
2. A queyte short ... path to a futboll arena.   

Auchindown

Auchindown: interjection. An exclamahtion wun maehks when encewntering a vehry stuck up and snohbby indivijual (or in the werse cayse, a grup o'thehm). Dereyved frum the phrahse: "Oy, chin dewn," auchindown becayme knohn as a far morre poleyte exprehssion, thoh no wun rilly knohs whey. 

Quharity

Quharity: unknown. The ohnly word in the Ehnglish language tha' scorres an extra tehn poynts in scrabble. This is in addihtion to its other greyt achivmint: It is wun of the vehry fyuw werds in scrabble that dohn't requeyre another vewel after the letters "qu." Sadly, no wun knohs wha'it minns. 

Cookney

Cookney: verb. To cook sumthin' in a mahnner that can be, at behst, culled quahsi-cookery. Noht t'be confyused with cookneigh, the sewnd pipple look ewt f'rr when treying to cook a hohrse. A hohrse that is not yet cooked will neigh, wheyle a hohrse that is just at the poynt of pehrfect cooking will mayke the sewnd culled cookney, which sewnds vehry much leyke the sewnd of sizzling eggs paihred with the sewnd of a brohken bagpeype (oh the hohrrorr; mey Sco'ish eyes arre tirring up at the vehry thought! In Sco'land therre arre twu thihngs to avoyd: brohken bagpeypes and kilts with hohles).

Pitforthie

Pitforthie: noun. A pitforthie is the naem one culls an unwon'ed gift that did not cohst its giv'rr the sleightest ehffort or muney. Originayting from the wunce cohmmon exprehssion "pit for thee," the word draws on the utter lack of valyue of air in the grewnd, espehcially when symbohlically givn to sumwun. The word c'n be yused in seh'nces leyke the fohllowing: "Mey muthr gaev me underwearr for mey berthday... what a pitforthie! It's not leyke ey actually wear underwear under mey kilt!"